Janmadatri

This post was long overdue.

This is about the lady who has known me longer than anyone else. She knew me since the time she felt my first kick in her belly. Once I was out I was enthralled with my father more than anyone else. Became totally a daddy’s girl. They say men are from Mars and women are from Venus. My parents,to me, seemed like they were from two different galaxies. Totally different personalities but charming in their own ways. Both were very much social , could make friends with anyone they met and nurtured the friendships lifelong. They were kind to the poor and needy and ran to help anyone who needed them at any hour. Both worked extremely hard all their lives. Both lost their fathers early.Both became doctors.And yet they were poles apart. I have written about my father after he passed away in November. But mom deserves her dues now. 

She and her 4 siblings were much young when my grandfather passed away. My grandma was not educated or working for a living. So they were suddenly thrown into hardships with the demise of my grandfather. Aai was the second of 5 and the brightest in academics. My mama who was younger to her quit school and took up a job to support the family. He ensured that my Aai did not have to give up her dream of becoming a doctor. Within the meager income they learnt to spend on necessities and prioritize things. Aai used to walk several blocks to catch the bus to her medical college even though the bus stop was right next to their building. Walking 3-4 stops would save some money for the ticket. Even in harsh summers they endured without fans to save on electricity bills. Through all this she made it through medical college.

She met my dad at medical college and they got married right after graduation, took up jobs as medical officers in the Khopoli Grampanchayat hospital and soon thereafter opened their own clinic . It didn’t take time for Aai to get a loyal following of patients. She had the patience of a saint, smile of an angel, unmatched confidence and skilled surgical hands of an obstetrician. Her smile could ease the anxiety and pain of her patients. They saw her as a close family member and she reciprocated the same way. There were no fixed work hours though the sign board on the clinic stated opening and closing hours. If the doors were closed people came home and knew they would not be turned away no matter what the problem was. No matter how long her day had been she would get up in the middle of the night to personally deliver the baby of her expectant patients. Multiple generations from families would proudly proclaim that their babies were delivered by Joshi bai. So much was the adoration that their babies were named after me and my siblings. She earned it all with her unflinching commitment to her patients. 

Just as much as she was respected and loved for her work, she was admired for her beautiful sarees. Mostly crisp starched and ironed cottons, impeccably draped and carried all day long, a stylish boy cut and her tall body stature made it all look statuesque. I definitely imbibed my fascination for sarees watching her.

As she flourished in her career she gave back to her siblings and her mother. Their education, their weddings , everything she generously supported financially. She was the youngest daughter-in-law of the 9 sibling family of my father. She charmed her way into the heart of her mother-in-law who had initially opposed the marriage because it was inter caste. Within a few months of the wedding my paternal grandma started singing a different tune and for the one and only time in her life conceded that she was proven wrong in her judgment of a person. Aai’s charm did not spare rest of the in-laws clan. She became the favorite Kaku, mami , vahini of a huge family and still remains the undisputed favorite. 

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The later years were not all rosy. Her life was marred by a lot of pain and suffering in various forms. She endured it all in the way that only she knows. 

One fine day she had just come home from a bike trip with my dad and out of the blue she had a seizure and cardiac arrest. Fortunately my dad had the presence of mind and was able to revive her. He insisted she get a checkup, much against her wishes ; only to discover a tumor in her brain. She recovered from the daunting surgery and came out unscathed. 

Wish that was the last hurdle to pass . The worst was yet to come . The most painful of all was when she lost her only son and she was away from him to take care of my sister’s new baby. Such were the circumstances that she couldn’t even reach India to caress his face with her hands one last time. Dad had to cremate him before I could take her to India. I thought after this calamity I would never see that smile on her face again. Devastated is an understated expression of her condition at the time. The heart was shattered into a million pieces. And yet she gathered them slowly but surely, all for the sake of her daughters and grandkids and put back the smile on her face bravely. 

Last November my dad suddenly took ill and was stranded in India in the midst of the pandemic. History repeated itself. She couldn’t be with him. I went alone and bid farewell to my father. She watched helplessly from my home in the USA,her heart breaking for her dying husband and lonesome daughter at the same time. 

It’s been 8 months and the majestic and gracious lady, now 83, has neatly folded her pain into her secret vault and goes about her day waking up early, doing yoga and pranayama,collecting flowers for Pooja, making compost and other concoctions for the plants in the garden, knitting sweaters for nieces , learning various things from YouTube videos, drying figs and grapes from the garden and even helping me in the kitchen.  She is my most ardent saree fan and ever ready photographer. A good part of her day is spent chatting on video calls with her siblings in India and exchanging messages with extended family,friends and old time patients.The list of her friends is huge.Many of the patients and the kids she delivered are in the USA and they not only keep in touch with her regularly but make arrangements for her to attend weddings and other important occasions in their family.

Despite everything, things were never smooth between my mom and me. Me,a roaring lioness,impatient ,perfectionist, type A personality who wants anything and everything taken care of right here and now and mom is the soft compassionate easy going Cancerian . We were more at odds with each other than as seen in a typical affectionate mother-daughter equation. It wouldn’t take much to spark an argument , disapprove of something the other person does or openly criticize. I often thought that her career commitment did not allow me to have my mom when growing up. The emotional distance was difficult to close despite the love we had for each other. The pages of history remain where they are.

I am reminded of the poignant last scene from the old Hindi movie Mausam with Sanjeev Kumar and Sharmila Tagore. The past for them is painful. And the only link between them, her mother, is no more. She has grievances against him that because of his absence she had to endure a lot of sorrows. His guilt and her grievance finally have come face to face. They can’t turn the clock back. All they have is each other and the present day. They drive away together, seemingly putting behind the past. The audience is left to believe that it will be a better tomorrow built on mutual respect and love between the parent figure and daughter.

That is the juncture where we are now. There is only tomorrow to look to. And each other to hold on to. 

A lot of us think of God and we are thankful for the blessings HE has conferred upon us . But not often does it dawn on our minds how big the blessings in our lives truly are. Each parent, each teacher, each friend , our spouse, our kids…..each person is a big treasure by themselves. We just take life for granted. 

I took it for granted that I have my parents. But dad’s going has made me awaken to cherish these treasures so much more. I pray for my mom to keep good health for many more years and live each day in happiness and comfort and surrounded by love and only love. 🙏🏼🙏🏼💕💕💕💕

A footnote:

The saree mom is wearing is nearly 40 years old. It was a gift from a prominent family in town. I am sharing the incident to highlight professionalism within the medical fraternity. 

The family was known to us but they were patients of my mom’s contemporary at the time . Their daughter in law was pregnant and it so happened that the day she went into labor her obstetrician as well the assistant were both out of town. In desperation the mom-in-law came to my mom seeking help. My mom didn’t waste a minute and rushed to the other hospital to deliver the baby in the wee hours of the morning. Despite their repeated pleas she would not charge them fees. To show their gratitude they showered her with gifts and this saree was one of those gifts. She has taken care of it until this day as a memory of them.

Incidentally we had both worn our same sarees 3 years back one evening for a dinner at a friend’s home. Dad was with us and we posed with him before leaving our home for the dinner. We decided to drape these again on eve of my birthday . His absence is glaring but this is the reality to live with now and look back in gratitude for the life we had together.