Reflections on life: A personal diary

 #USA

Post #32

A very long post alert !! Read slowly if you will 🙏🏼 🙏🏼

Reflections on life: A personal diary

When Amita was a few days old she would be seen smiling in her sleep. Aai would say she is remembering her past life and smiling about who she may have tricked in that life 😂 . I distinctly remember making a solemn comment to Aai that thank goodness we don’t remember our past lives in the next one or we would carry sorrows from there into this life. She was silent for a moment and just nodded in agreement.

Until now life was constantly on the go and me along with it. Never had time to sit down and think about it or look back .This month’s theme suddenly inspired me to write about the years in America. And to be honest, when I took to writing I had no idea how much down memory lane it would take me. At every step I was surprised at myself and also at the vastness of the life that was. I am too small and so would any scale be to measure it. In fact more than a few times as I went on writing I wondered , was it really me who walked this road ? Was this really my life ? 

Vast experience yes, but by no means it was extraordinary.Many of you from time to time have acknowledged how you can relate with the situations, whether it was setting up home , going through immigration, going through the career training , juggling job and kids or dealing with racism and unfair treatment. So you would agree my life is really ordinary, one of many who come to a foreign land with dreams and hopes. 

I truly never came with the dream to stay on forever away from my motherland. For the first time in over 5 decades I have a home now of my own in Khopoli as well as in Pune with the blessings of my parents and my MIL ( and FIL who I could never meet as he passed away 2 years before I got married). Ironically this became a reality after MIL and Baba were no more. In 2019 when the Pune Apartments were ready I insisted they be named Prabha after the tall woman ,whose foresight, sacrifice and love laid the foundation of this building. 

And despite having homes in India now and knowing for sure that I would be comfortable there,I’m not sure if I can go there for good . Many factors with family would decide that. Paraadheen aahe jagati putra maanavaachaa, dosha naa kunaachaa!

What the future holds for me, I know not.

I have made many mistakes along the way. Too many to list and I remember nearly all of them as if they were earlier in the day today . I wouldn’t say I dwell over them but sometimes I do wish I knew better at the time or had been more sensitive to others at those junctures.

I also see now what a confusing bundle of contradictions I am. Shy and reserved intrinsically but outspoken when provoked, seemingly brave under many circumstances but inherently fearful of treading into the outside world, compassionate most of the time but impatient and short tempered when dealing with something that contradicts my freedom or lacks good reasoning , ambitious for everyone around me but totally without ambition for myself, perfectly poised for my own death but afraid of anything happening to someone else I know, knowing well that death is an inevitable reality for all living beings yet feeling  sadness even when my elderly patients pass away. I cannot reconcile within myself these paradoxes. 

If I were to summarize the journey,here are a few things that came to mind :These are meant for me to reflect upon ,not a sermon for anyone else.

These are the lessons I learnt in my life, most of them the hard way. If they could help even one other person that would entirely be a bonus.

1. Leaving India gave me an opportunity to see beyond the Indian way of life . USA is a melting pot of cultures. Nowhere else would I see people from such diverse countries come together,to enrich myself with that experience through interaction from close quarters. 

2. There are racial and other discriminations in many forms wherever you are across the globe. You have to deal with it as well as rise above it.  On the same note there are good and bad people wherever you live or go. With bad ones you need to know when to take them up and when to avoid. With good ones you need the wisdom to value them more than your cars and bungalows, gold and diamonds.  

3. If I have thrived for the last 30 years in the USA ,despite the racial bias that exists, it is because there are more good people here who want others to succeed. No other country in the world that I can think of is this generous towards its legal immigrants as the  USA. It goes as far as bestowing on people like me the right to vote for its government. If my husband and me could grow in our professional lives it was because this land opened its arms to us. When USA is criticized I tend to get hurt and become defensive like a mom would if someone pointed a finger at her kid. She can scold her child but it hurts when someone else does !

4.If you think your grandchildren are going to look anything like you, you are living in a bubble of delusion. It will burst someday and no one knows how hard you will hit the ground. From the beginning of my career cultural competency was emphasized and one feature of it was this truth. I am grateful for it and I think my kids are grateful as well. We are living in an open society and it should be that way. There is no reason to think it is a bad thing.                                                        

5.I had learned much early in my life that a mother must make her kids her priority and there would be no regrets. Kids need her time, not her  money. While money is necessary to get basic needs, it does not supersede quality time. This I had learned from my own childhood. If you are not close to your kids, someone else will be. If they don’t learn from you when their minds are impressionable, they will learn from someone else and that may not be always good.

6.I learned also that money when in excess or given when not truly needed by its recipients invites the devil in many forms. This I learned from my mother in law who lived her entire life with so much thrift and saved up for her kids. When it came time to give away the savings of a lifetime it almost threatened the trust and goodwill between siblings. 

7.Thrift is good but don’t forget to live your life while being thrifty. One needs to seek a good balance.

Let your kids learn to swim early in life while you stand watching like a lifeguard on duty.

Once they’ve learned to swim leave them alone to enjoy the freedom in the vast ocean of life. From that point onwards give only enough that would count as a token of your love. Rest of it use to live your own life and give it to a cause where it would be more useful.

8.No family is perfect. Despite the differences keep everyone together to the best you can. Sometimes you may not succeed and you may even have to fight for the right thing. But at the end of the day let there be forgiveness in the heart . Both for others and yourself. Love is the best glue for hearts.

9.You are not going to take a single penny (or saree 😉) with you to the other world, let alone your beauty,body or position in life. So keep the perspective clear in the mind at all times

10.Some favors cannot be returned. They have to be carried forward. From one stranger or friend to you and from you to another stranger or friend. Gyandev my dear friend taught me this as did so many other kind souls I met in my life.

11.Every dark tunnel has a light beyond it. You just need to pass through to see it. I learned this from my Baba.

12.Your parents’ achievements are not going to take you too far. Nor are your achievements going to take your kids too far. Each generation must work for themselves while caring for the generation before and after .

13.I was not and am not the one who had to work the hardest to be where I am. When I was doing residency I had an intern who had come from China. All her life she had studied in Mandarin and started studying English only in her 30s when she started studying for FMGEMs. She was suddenly in a county hospital in California talking to patients ,taking their medical history and giving them discharge instructions in English. I knew I lacked that much grit.

There were Medical students, interns , residents and later colleagues who were burdened by student loans . I had none because my motherland had given me the best education for almost free and let me go free like a true Karmayogi of the Bhagwad Gita would.

14.No matter how faint you think your voice is, don’t lose it. Speak up for yourself because no one else will. 

15.Even if every Indian who leaves India does not do anything disgraceful it is a big help to India. You don’t need to be a hero every time or everywhere. Just honesty and compassion are enough. This applies also to every Indian who lives in India.

16.To become useful for India or to be a true Indian you don’t need to live in India. There are many ways you can be useful despite living in another land. 

Being Indian implies more than holding its passport and it is more than just an emotion. It means living its essence in your daily life.

Somewhere in my early 20s when I was passing through some really difficult times I wrote a poem. The lines came out spontaneously and unknowingly at that moment when someone very dear and close to me criticized India. Essentially the criticism was how India will never improve, how western countries are “more civilized “, how life is more meaningful in these civilized societies  etc etc.

  Over the years  I have pondered over these lines again and again. There are some things that spring out of you that make you wonder how in the world did I put this in words? I didn’t have the qualifications to write this. Certainly not when I was barely 22.

Here are those lines:

भारत समिधा सत्य अहिंसा एक असे असहाय

करी वदनी परिचय तव आता सत् शोधून तव काय

Bhaa-rat the Sanskrit name for India is a composite of two words. Bhaa (भा)means divine light. Rat( रत) means to revel in or delve into.

Samidha ( समिधा) are the offerings made to the holy fire during yadnyas and pujas. Basically they represent or symbolize sacrifice.

Satya(सत्य) or Sat( सत्) is Truth or Reality.

Ahimsa( अहिंसा) is non-violence.

Eka( एक) is ONE.

Ase असे means is

Asahaay(असहाय) independent, without extraneous support !

Kari करी is to do

Vadani वदनी through speech, by asking questions 

Parichay परिचय familiarize/ familiarity 

Tav (तव) you

Aataa( आता) is now

Shodhun ( शोधून) through search or investigation

Kaay(काय) what 

One who Revels in the DIVINE LIGHT (Bharat/ India) will find upon investigation that Sacrifice,Truth and Non Violence are NOT SEPARATE from it. Not only is Divinity a single indivisible Reality, but Sacrifice,Truth and Non Violence, though they appear to be distinct entities on the surface, are all inseparable aspects of the SINGLE DIVINITY.

With deeper search( within your inner self )and with experience you will also realize that these principles STAND  STRONG  ALONE without needing anything to support them. 

For me this is what India had been then and has been forever. And you can probably see now how my journey was guided by its essence. Just like the tricolor is not India but an iconic representation of India , so is the saree. That is my identity in a multicolored global society.

Through my entire journey I searched for my Krishna , through quiet naam smaran (chanting), bhajan( devotional prayers) and manan( meditation). I talked to Krishna when I was alone like I talk to my kids. And I heard his voice inside me at every step. I had two mothers in the human form but I had this Mother unseen from the world who never forsake me when I needed HER the most. I refused to accept a spiritual Guru in the human form and made this Mother my Guru.

In recent months, probably since my Baba passed away last November, I have become more aware of the fact that this mortal body is meant to do its duties with devotion and then handed back to Krishna. It doesn’t matter anymore where it ( the mortal body) spends its years of existence. The globe is one and it is only a small part of an infinite universe. Just like when we live in a building it doesn’t matter much ( for an observer) if the home is on the ground floor or top floor ,in Pune Shivaji Nagar or Karve Nagar, if in India whether it is in Delhi or Mumbai, similarly from the larger perspective it matters not if it is in India or the USA. I tried to take the good things from both places and held them in my heart with pride. I tried to make my kids realize this unique heritage and to value it. My job is nearly done. 

One disclaimer I think is important here : Despite repeated use of the word I as well as my to describe some actions,decisions and things in all the posts so far , their use is only for practical reference points. I do not and cannot take the sole credit for any of the successes in life. The inspirations at every juncture including whatever I am writing now have come from a power above me and the people around me. Every action was and will be surrendered in the spirit of Krishnaarpanamastu. 🙏🏼🙏🏼

Sharing a few poignant lines that express my state of mind these days.

Thevile Anante taisechi rahaave 

Chitti aso dyaave samadhan 

( Wherever and whatever situation the infinite Lord puts you in, live there according to HIS wishes. Let there always be contentment in your heart). _Sant Tukaram 

Jaahalyaa kaahi chukaa, soor kaahi raahile

Tu dilele geet maaze, aawadine gaayile

( My dear Creator, I made some errors, and missed a few notes,

Yet I tried to sing the song you gave me with love and devotion  )- Mangesh Padgaonkar

Haachi nema aataa na phire maaghaari 

Baisale shejaari Govindaache- Sant Tukaram 

I am determined not to turn back from my spiritual journey. I have earned a place next to my Mother,my Creator, Govinda.

And lastly my favorite poet Bhaa Raa Taambe’s immortal lines:

Madhu maagasi maazyaa sakhyaa pari

Madhu ghatachi rikami padati ghari

Dear patron of my poetry, my writings, you seek more honey( juice of my writings) but my kalash of that juice lies emptied in my home now. I am not sure how much more I have that I can offer you.

Aaj vari kamalaachyaa droni

madhu pajila tula bharoni 

Seva hi poorvichi smaroni 

Kari na rosh sakhya daya kari 

I have offered you the best of all I had in the best of forms I could ( honey served from a cone of lotus flowers ). Please keep the memory of that service in your kind thoughts and have compassion for me when I can’t provide the same service any longer.

Naivedyaachi ekach vaati 

Aataa dudhachi maazyaa gaathi 

Dev puje stav hi koranti 

Baalgi angni kashi tari 

All I have now in my possession is a small bowl of milk as offering for my Creator

And a humble koranti flower ( in contrast to the grand lotus) for puja offering ,which too I am caring in my garden with much difficulty. 

Tarun tarunninchi salajja kujbuj

Vriksha zaryaanche goodh madhur guj 

Sansaaraache marm havey tuj

Madhu pilnyaa pari bala na kari 

There is much to learn about the essence of life from the beauty around you, right where you are. For example, from the age appropriate bashful conversations between young lovers or the sound of the running waters of a spring. I have gathered the essence by living my life, please don’t insist on squeezing it out of me forcefully.

Dhalalaa re dhalalaa din sakhayaa

Sandhyaa  chhaayaa bhivaviti hridayaa

Ataa madhuche naav kaa sayaa

Laagale netra he pail tiri….

The sunset (of my life) is here.

The shadows at dusk are beginning to cause anxiety in my heart.

At such a time please do not ask for more (honey) from me ( as it is beyond my means). My hopes and eyes are now set on the life beyond. 

The only thing different I feel from how Tambe described is I have no anxieties about heading into my sunset. I have reached a sense of peace for that destination. Whenever it is time I am ready to go. My heart is content 🙏🏼🙏🏼

For this last post I chose the White Paithani ( Shirodak) that I received from my parents on occasion of Advait’s munja. White for me stands for the spiritual journey that has been at the core  of my existence and red for the colorful physical life that ran parallel to it without interfering or contradicting it. The tiny golden stars or flowers that are spread all across the white are the infinite vibhutis or forms of the Lord that are to be seen everywhere around us if we look for them closely.  We are sure to miss them if we are not aware. ( waiting to post picture)

Hari Om 🙏🏼🙏🏼

Shri Krishnarpanamastu 🙏🏼🙏🏼💕💕

Om tat sat Brahmarpanmastu 🙏🏼🙏🏼💕💕

I offer all my actions,whatever I did with selfish motive or unselfishly, to the Divinity that pervades the universe. 🙏🏼🙏🏼💕💕