Hands-on Mom to Empty Nester

#USA

Post#31

A Period of Transition:

From hands on mom to an empty nester:

Before we knew, the kids went from elementary to middle school to high school. 

We being immigrants to the country everything was new for us . Especially with the first child. At social gatherings I would talk to the women whose kids recently went to college. What do they have to do in high school to get admission to a good college ? What classes did their kids take ? What extracurricular activities did they do? How and when are applications to be submitted? How many colleges to apply ? I had a million questions.

Then there were other pressures these kids endured at school. The high school kids would party hard. Every weekend night was party time.Some kids got into alcohol and drugs. Some already were dating since middle school ( 7-8 th grades). 

Amita came home crying one day. You don’t allow me to party so those girls don’t mix with me . She would be isolated at school and eat her lunch alone while other girls socialized. It was sad to see her like that , abandoned by her “friends”. But I did not think partying, just to feel included ,was the right way to go. I talked to her. I said, I know it is so hard on you right now. But if you focus on your studies today, tomorrow you can see where you will be and where they will be. A good girl that she was ,she listened. She learned to be happy on her own. 

The young man on the other hand was a bit more difficult to tame. In freshman year in high school he got a girlfriend . I was not against dating but I was surely against dating at such an early age( 15-16). I told him so. His answer to me : This is not India. I’m not Indian. I’m American. 

Ok, I said . So you are American. Your American classmates have parents who are divorced and remarried .( He had told me about that earlier). They live with mom and stepdad during the week and shift in with dad and stepmom on the weekend. Let me and your father list our names on a dating site and find a boyfriend and girlfriend to go out with in the evening.  That way you can live the same lifestyle as your “American” friends.( This was in no way a taunt for people who got divorced for genuine reasons and remarried, but a reference to fickle relationships in the western culture where infatuation and infidelity were glorified and defended, sanctity of marriage was disrespected and replaced by frivolous excuses for divorce ). 

That did it . He went to Amita’s room and said did you hear what she just said ? She told him you know she has a point . He agreed.

He broke up the next day. And agreed to wait till the age limit of 23 I had set for dating to find a girlfriend 😀

Years at high school went by fast. Amita got the National Merit Scholarship and a tuition reprieve at a good private university and was ready to move into college . As I drove her to her dorm I told her I expect 6 things from her :

 1. Honesty , in whatever she does. I do not want to hear of any corruption any day.

2.  If you want to drink, you can. But remember how much in moderation your parents take alcohol, if they ever do. You will not exceed those limits.
3. Drugs are out of question 
4. College is not high school. It is not going to be a breeze to get an A in every class. If you get a B or a C or even lower it is OK. As long as you have put in your best efforts.
5. Communication with your parents must remain open at all times. If you are happy I must know. If you feel low I must know.
6. Taking your own life is not an option. We need to talk if that thought crosses your mind.

The same rules were repeated to her brother 2 years later. 

They both completed undergraduate studies. Abhay and me tried to suggest them to pick careers other than Medicine simply because we knew what a long road it was , much longer in the USA than it is in India. Gave them so many suggestions for alternative careers like teaching in a university, journalism, and if they preferred health sciences then something less demanding like dentistry or pharmacy school. 

Both said they have always dreamed of becoming doctors. Once it was clear that this was their choice I told Abhay we should not discourage them now. They have to work at it  knowing they have our full support. They worked for their MCAT and got accepted to good medical schools although far away from home on the other coast. But both followed the six rules faithfully. Abhay and me would take turns to go meet them frequently during their stay in New Jersey and Florida respectively.

Today Amita has graduated from medical school and is a second year resident in internal medicine in San Francisco. Her sincerity was acknowledged by her peers last month by choosing her as the Intern of the Year.

Advait is almost completing his fourth year medical school in Miami and getting ready to apply for residency next month, hoping to return to California. 

One is off our payroll and the other will soon follow suit. 😊

More important to me than their academic achievements is the fact that these two young people are kind,compassionate,humble, polite and respectful to everyone. That is their biggest achievement. Please let your blessings be upon them always.

After 25 years of dedicated service towards cancer patients,the best part of my life, my partner through all highs and lows since leaving India, my sounding board, my anchor and the one to make me retain faith in goodness,peace and stability, my husband, Abhay finally retired in January this year. On my insistence he continued to work part time two days a week since the retirement but even that is proving very stressful. So as of September 2nd he is set to hang up his boots for good. For ten years since joining Kaiser Permanente in Bakersfield in 1996 he was their sole oncologist, triple American Board certified in internal medicine, hematology and oncology with a spotless and much respected career. Patients chose to come to Kaiser when they were diagnosed with cancer because they heard he was the best in town. His work was his religion and took priority over his family. He has more than earned his retirement.

I will share a photo of a letter from one of Abhay’s  patients that he brought home this week. It is one of many such letters he has received. This is the true certificate of his career. 

Some common patients who learned about his retirement are worried and ask me if I’m retiring anytime soon. I don’t know when I will retire but definitely not for two more years. After that my guess is as good as anyone else’s. 

The month is coming to an end and with it the theme. A theme that flooded open the gates to my memory lane and landed me in a soup yesterday. 

I will follow today with a bonus post concluding my thoughts about life in America. 

Whatever I shared starting from post #1 in this series till today’s last post is an honest narration of my journey. Not a single event described is a figment of my imagination or exaggerated reality. At the same time whatever I shared with you is just the tip of an iceberg. The travails and turmoils of life cannot all be put into words. 

Kalaa jyaa laaglyaa jeevaa, malaa ki ishwaraa thaavyaa,

 kunaalaa kaay ho tyaanche, kunaalaa kaay saangaavyaa ! ( Bhaa Raa Tambe, Marathi poet )

( Only God and I know all the pain the heart endured. Who else would care ? Who else is there who can understand if I share?)

  I owe my heartfelt gratitude to all of you who would take the time to read my blabber for 30 straight days and consistently encouraged me to write. I had no idea I would recall as much as I did. I never thought I could put into words what I went through in the last 30 years. It was the warmth and trust I felt in this closed group that gave me the courage and inspiration to pour out at least some of my heart.   My flaws , my heartbreaks, my failures are all laid bare in front of you. I wouldn’t say I feel lighter because I never felt suffocated within myself to start with when I took up writing. I had absorbed the experiences as I had kept walking through my life. They shaped me without crushing me. The sense I get now is of giving away everything back to the world what I got from the world. My sincere namaskar to all of you 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼💕💕💕💕

The saree is a gold colored Berhampuri patta I had bought in 2018 during my visit to Bhubaneswar. I picked this to represent the golden years.  It has glorious color but with the dark lining. It is exquisite,it is beautiful and yet simple. Just like my life was.