Uncovering Imperfection

 As I started writing the last part of the planned Trilogy summarizing the teachings of Sant Tukaram I reached a point where I had to stop. Question arose should I  pause or stop completely from writing any more about Tukaram‘s teachings? I am not sure. I can say so much that in the process of attempting it I realized what a daunting task it is. 

Reading one page each day and trying to absorb the message was one thing. Summarizing the message in its entirety is more than I had imagined I could swallow.

I am truly at a loss for words right now to convey the dilemma inside. Can I say that I could feel the pulse of his message ? I will say yes, to a fair extent I can feel it. Have I absorbed it sufficiently? If I must be honest with myself, answer is a resounding no. And that raises the ethical question: Am I qualified to write this post? 

The one thing spiritual quest does is it gradually starts wiping dust off the mirror of the mind. The clearer it gets the more it reflects light on the faults and weaknesses. The new visibility of these is both surprising and frightening, not to mention embarrassing. The last 3-4 days as I worked on the post compiling various abhangas that carried Tukaram’s message for ideal living I went through these rather rude awakenings about myself. Undoubtedly it was disturbing initially. Yet somewhere deeper I feel grateful that it is happening to me. The dirt in the mind needs to be unearthed and aired if true cleansing must occur. Only I know how polluted I am ! And how much work needs to be done to get even remotely comparable to the ideal person described by Tukaram. Every pointer from Tukaram Maharaj shines light on how far I am from that goal of an ideal life. 

Ego stands like a ghost at every juncture.
My life. My worries. My problems. When am I going to truly surrender to Krishna and live worry free ? When is every action going to be 100% honest with zero self interest ? 
When will expectations of results be nil ? 
When is criticism not going to hurt ?

A funny thing happened today as I was driving home from work. I suddenly realized that me,the body,is just a highly perishable object made out of the elements which is going to reduce to dust one fine moment.
Did I not know this before ? Of course I did. But knowing is not the same as realizing ! We know a lot of theory. A tiny fraction of theory ever becomes first hand experience or sinks in as realization. 
That’s what happened today. I didn’t just know ! I realized! 

The next thought that came was who is that one who is claiming to be “me” inside this body? That me has pretended to be the owner, master over the body ever since memory can go back in time. 

Indeed this has been the biggest fraud ! I have lived this fraud for this long!! 

And the speed of life is so fast that I am not sure if I will even remember this truth moving forward ? Will the motions of day to day existence reinforce old paradigms and bring forgetfulness to this precious revelation? Or will honesty prevail ? 
I surely hope that honesty will stand tall and not sink under the sands of habit. 

Even if I were to make the assumption that this realization is here to stay for rest of this mortal life, by no means it makes me qualified to speak about Tukaram’s message. I understand I have a long way to go.

Yet there are choices to make. As mentioned above, the inherent faults within are laying bare one after another. Accepting them and working on them earnestly is one option, living rest of my time doing not much about these faults is another. Neither is going to be easy. Yet one is right and other is wrong. I can say so much that I know the difference. And there is no turning back from here. The only way for me is forward. There is no doubt that the direction pointed out by Tukaram and other saints is the best one. Their words carry significance and validity because they have come from their experiences. Whatever is in store for me ahead is inevitable. And so I will keep walking. 

I am going to make an attempt to write about what I read from the book and understood out of that reading. But I must submit a disclaimer again and again that not all of what I think I understood has sunk into my bones. I can only hope that someday it will sink into my being. But until then I can only take the credit of a desk clerk. Not a teacher. I am writing this as a favor to myself more than anything else ; because every time I read or write Tukaram’s words I automatically am forced to think over it and each reading hammers the truth deeper and paves the way for better understanding. May be the exercise will create a fertile soil to ultimately transform thought and action in a lasting way to bear some semblance to the ideal living that Tukaram envisioned. 

Saree today was a Sambalpuri with intricate bandha work ( tie dyed yarn followed by handloom weave)depicting jungle theme. It was around sunrise on a misty and cold morning today when the pictures were taken. 








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