Strained relationships

 

A part of this was originally posted in the saree group on 12/19/22 as a reflection on a recent post by another member of the group. This senior lady had expressed lament that her first born daughter who is an architect settled in the USA had cut off all ties and communication with her for the past three years after a WhatsApp forward (meant to be in lighthearted humor) from mom offended her. 

Today’s post by Rizwana Didi was sad and thought provoking at the same time. It made me dive deep into the inner recesses of mind and try finding so many answers. I read the comments on her posts coming from different people on the group. Of course a common sentiment was of support and sympathy for Rizwana Di. There were solutions offered. There were judgments passed. There was analysis of the situation made. There were some off line conversations I had with a few who have been through similar situations.

There can never be standard solutions in such cases. But there are surely a few thoughts I felt I should write down. Generation gaps and disagreements between parents and offspring are nothing new. In large proportions these are overcome by underlying mutual love and respect. But in a few cases ,like one in discussion, perhaps love falls short. At least from one end, if not both. 

And when the relationship is fractured like this, pain is inevitable. We have heard only one side of the story here. The other side holds the controls and we don’t know what the thinking is at that end. But there is a high likelihood that there must be pain on that side too. Whether consciously felt or repressed under the cloak of denial and assertiveness of the ego. 

I am a mother of an strongminded adult daughter and I am also the daughter of a strong minded mother. 

 Unlike a somewhat dysfunctional relationship I have had with my mother since my formative years I have had a good relationship with my daughter. There was investment of time and not just emotion, where me and my daughter’s equation is concerned. In case of my mother, there was investment of emotion but not time when I was growing up and that is the root cause of a communication gap between us. But despite that glaring deficit we remain under one roof because the sense of duty and underlying mutual love is stronger than anything else.

There was an incident nearly a decade back when I had a heated argument with my mother. My daughter must have been in her early twenties at the time and she was upset with me over the incident. She sympathized with her grandmother and stopped talking to me completely. This went on for three straight days and I couldn’t take it anymore. I wasn’t used to the experience of emotional distance from my daughter until then. I don’t recall how we overcame the stalemate at the time but the memory of my pain under that situation is ingrained into my mind. It is therefore unfathomable to me how Rizwana Didi must be coping under such trying circumstances.

I have been a lifelong student of the Bhagwad Gita. Today’s incident made me reflect from various angles in the context of the principles discussed in this ancient text. When the question arises in the mind about pain like in this situation, why does there need to be pain ? Can’t we avoid pain ? Turns out pain has a role after all ! One of the four driving forces that makes a person seek the path towards enlightenment is pain.  Aart( आर्त  person enduring suffering) , arthaarthi( one seeking material gains), mumukshu( one seeking liberation from cycle of birth and death) and lastly Dnyaani ( a self realized devotee) these are the four kinds of people who turn to God. Of these the last one Shri Krishna has declared to be of the highest order amongst devotees because he seeks nothing. He is at perfect peace and state of equanimity with loss and gains, happiness and sorrows, success and failures, honor and insults. 

These four stages of maturity in a person will also dictate how that person will react under the situation that Rizwana Didi finds herself at present.  Only she would know what she is ready for. The mind will try to get rid of the pain arising from the situation. What route it will take to achieve that end result will depend on the starting point. From what I am hearing from her post and comments in response to suggestions is that she has tried every way to communicate with her daughter, even apologized. We all hope there will be reconciliation between mother and daughter. But what is perhaps more important is that they find peace within themselves. It will remain to be seen whether outer reconciliation happens first or inner attainment of peace leads to outward extension of the olive branch. Whichever way, paradoxically pain will lead the way to relief. That’s the universal rule. 

I pondered today also on the interplay of three gunas discussed in the Bhagwad Gita. Tamas and Rajas( Ignorance, pride and ego) are cause of conflict. It is with spiritual pursuit that these can be weakened and replaced with satva to bring back peace, joy and harmony. Interpersonal relationships cannot improve without a good dose of satva. Indeed as the Lord has described in the text, our lives, our emotions our experiences are summed up by the interplay of these three gunas. None of us can escape these experiences. Our responses and reactions to the interplay will depend entirely on our spiritual progress. The more we are able to gain a distance from identifying with our physical existence the more we will be in a position of advantage to remain unswayed by the sorrows that come our way. 

No matter what stage each of us is at any given time, it is the empathy for the pain of our sisters that will keep us together. It will help us get through the difficult times. We can only pray that we gain wisdom as we live in this mortal body. 

O saare jag ke rakhwaale 

Nirbal ko bala dene waale 

Bala waalon ko 

De de gyaan 

( O protector of this universe, one who brings strength to those who are weak and helpless, may you bring wisdom to those who are strong and mighty). 🙏🏼🙏🏼

Saree, a mul cotton with Ajrakh print from Sufiyan Khatri. Paired with a printed cotton blouse. I had bought the fabric from my dear friend Jayesh Patel, owner of Dekhani matching center in Dadar. It’s been a few years he passed away unexpectedly. I miss this kind hearted man.