The changing landscape of mind

Arthashoonya bhaase maj haa kalaha jeevanaachaa….

Even as I was enjoying the trip in Mexico I had been feeling very fatigued mentally for a couple of days and had thoughts about abandoning everything I’ve been doing or working toward…..my job, my book, my plans to enter into the field of palliative and hospice medicine ! Everything seemed worthless, unnecessary and beyond what I can handle. Wanted to just become a recluse. Allow myself some rest. Look for peace.

My mind kept going back to this song from the Marathi stage drama Matsyagandha where Satyavati is in a rather dark phase of mind, not sure of what is right or wrong and which way to proceed. It paints the picture of someone who is surrounded by gloom.

अर्थशून्य भासे मज हा कलह जीवनाचा
अर्थशून्य भासे मज हा कलह जीवनाचा
धर्म न्याय नीति सारा खेळ कल्पनेचा
अर्थशून्य भासे मज हा कलह जीवनाचा

ध्यास एक हृदयी धरुनी ध्यास एक हृदयी धरुनी
स्वप्न रंगवावे स्वप्न रंगवावे
वीज त्यावरी तो पडुनी शिल्प कोसळावे
सर्वनाश एकच दिसतो नियम ह्या जगाचा
अर्थशून्य भासे मज हा कलह जीवनाचा

दैव ज्यास लोभे त्याला दैव ज्यास लोभे त्याला
लाभ वैभवाचा लाभ वैभवाचा
दैव कोप येता भाळी सर्वनाश त्याचा
वाहणे प्रवाहावरति धर्म एक साचा
अर्थशून्य भासे मज हा कलह जीवनाचा
धर्म न्याय नीति सारा
खेळ कल्पनेचा खेळ कल्पनेचा
अर्थशून्य भासे मज हा कलह जीवनाचा

I find this chaos of life to be entirely meaningless.

Duty( religion), justice and righteousness all seem to be figments of imagination.

One runs passionately after the dreams held close to the heart. 

Yet in a moment lightning strikes and the sculpture collapses instantly.

Devastation seems to be the only rule in this world.

One who is the favorite child of destiny is bestowed with great riches.

In contrast, one who invites the wrath of destiny is completely destroyed.

The only true religion is to flow where life takes you.

And then one fine moment, as I sat in the plane flying home from Dallas after the trip, it occurred to me that whatever work I do could bring meaning and happiness in the life of someone else. There was a joy to do it after all! How can I abandon everything I’m doing?

Perhaps just like there are deserts in this world and also flowering fields and gardens, such is the landscape of our mind. It all looks barren at some point and then there is color and vibrancy to everything you see around. And all sorts of situations between these two. There is something to dream about and another time it appears to be road’s end. Sometimes you realize your creative space and another time the mind is vacant and tired. Life is what happens as we move through these wide range of landscapes. Just got to be there and feel it all. When you feel low know that it is a temporary feeling. When you feel elated also remind yourself that this too is not forever. Perhaps this is the first lesson to acquire equanimity that the saints and sacred texts talk about.

Kadhi soshilaa unhaalaa 

Kadhi laabhalaa visaavaa 

Swapnaatlyaa kalyaanno umalu nakaach kevhaa…..

 

May there be something to dream about, to work, to achieve, to fill someone’s life with joy. 

Or is this portrait of dreams and hopes superimposed on a blank canvas ? Is it to be assimilated as one whole ? 

Is that what Shri Krishna was talking about when describing the stithapradnya or Dnyaani ( man of knowledge )? One who rests in peace inside the body with 9 gates and knows that the body parts, mind, intellect and sense organs are each doing their part?  He is not fettered by anything that goes on outside? He can swallow and digest the poison of sorrows and strife like Shiva ? 

It seems doable if one can learn to unidentify from one’s mind !! Stand as witness only!! 

Why does it seem like one is handed the questions on the final exam as well as all correct answers and still feels insecure of passing ? 

Picture is a file photo from February 1,2023. It is poly cotton Jagatsingpur saree from Odisha.