Kunaachyaa khaandyaavar kunaache ozay

March 11, 2023

Kunaachyaa khaandyaavar kunaache ozay

It’s been just over a week when the phone rang past midnight waking me up. I ignored the first call. It rang again. This time, noting a familiar area code, I answered it. And it opened a dark cave. A familiar cave that I first walked into as a child and had tried to avoid at every step thereafter. The horror of that path never stopped visiting me. The wrath of a man coming down on the woman he was supposed to protect. So sensitive it made me, I remember fainting in a movie hall watching this kind of abuse. I learnt to simply leave the movie theater since then when any kind of violence or abuse is portrayed. Many incidents come alive in my mind and I just freeze in place.

About ten twelve years back I received a jury summons and was picked for a case where the defendant was an alleged perpetrator of domestic violence. All potential jurors were asked if we had any personal bias about the case. I was one of those who raised the hand. In a private session the judge asked deeper questions. When I told my experience the defense attorney asked that I be excused from serving on the jury. He had rightly sensed that I was not likely to be sympathetic to his client.

Throughout my career as a primary physician I have met women who shared their personal traumas. Some young, some older. Some white, some black, some brown. Some educated, others not. Some employed, some self employed, others stay home moms. They had become habituated to a partner who would betray them at every level, in every way. Their self esteem was washed away in their tears. Intimidation, hurt, insecurity and hopelessness had become a way of life. Leaving that wretched life behind was scary for them. For multiple reasons. Sometimes it was the kids, sometimes parents. Lack of confidence to stand on their feet often discouraged them. Fear of being hunted down weighed on their minds. Pressure from family wasn’t easy to ignore for others. At some point these women had stopped thinking about what’s right or wrong. They were filled with guilt and shame. Even after me counseling them and getting the social worker involved they were not ready to report the abuse to the police. When police arrived at their home they denied the abuse. The horror in the cave never ceased for most of these women until some catastrophe occurred.

The phone call that woke me up last week came from a dear couple who are not too much younger than me in age. I wouldn’t have in my wildest dreams imagined that the disease of domestic violence would touch them. Like many stories I had heard or witnessed before them, here too they had managed to cleverly conceal the dark corner of their home until the broth boiled over, the steam could no longer keep the lid on the kettle. The wife had walked to the police station, naively asking them to simply warn her man to control his anger ! She was angry because he had slapped her during a heated argument(which incidentally she had started and escalated). She asked that he not be arrested, just given a warning ! Little did she know how the system works! And nor did I, not until I got the phone call from the incarceration center where her stunned husband found himself that night!

I thought by now I knew how things work in the USA! Wrong ! I have learned so much in the past week that I never knew before! Not only was the guy arrested and kept there overnight, the charges against him could not be dropped even if the wife wanted to. Her phone numbers were blocked out. They were forbidden to contact each other. Each would get their advocate and there would be a court hearing in 1 week when the guy must choose between pleading guilty or not guilty. If he pleaded not guilty it would go for further hearings and if found guilty he could be behind bars. If he pleaded guilty he would have to complete a diversion program. As per this program the couple would have to refrain from any contact, even through a middle person, for three months. At the end of the three months a parole officer would decide if they can begin virtual contact ( email, phone call) . Another month later they could be eligible to meet in person in the presence of a third person but not live under one roof till 6 months were completed. The guy would have to attend a weekly class for a total of 12 months for his arrest record to be erased.

Becoming a witness to the ordeal that started that fateful night made me think of so many things that I had never thought of before.

This was the first time I realized that it is not always the man’s fault. But the law does not take into consideration the full picture. It only recognizes the actual act of violence. Not the cause behind it. Emotional and verbal abuse when relentless can drive even the most well behaved person to impulsively raise his hand in the heat of the moment.

From there on it becomes a self perpetuating cycle where bilateral abuse continues and at one point explodes as it did in this recent case.

Yet, it is true that in majority of instances the woman is a true victim. Why do women, more often than not, not take firm action after the very first time the man raises his hand on her? Why do they not confide in someone that first time, someone who can confront the man and stop him from repeating the mistake?

I truly felt that this is one of those few instances where Mother Nature’s wiring in the women’s brain is faulty! They fail to see the downward spiral that is starting from that point unless they take prompt action!

The incident made me realize the fact that corrective measures against wrong behaviors need to be supported by a wise judgment of how much force individual circumstances call for. I was reminded of Shri Krishna’s words in the second chapter of the Bhagwad Gita, verse 62,63. A mind that runs after material pleasures becomes a victim of anger when the desires are not fulfilled and the anger clouds the intellect, impairs judgment, destroys wisdom and ultimately leads to the downfall of the person. I realized how accurately this sequence of events becomes a reality in situations of domestic disputes. Where anger has clouded judgment how would the person know when to use a compassionate discussion, when to change the tone to a verbal warning, when to hold a stick( figuratively speaking), when to draw a knife(figuratively) and when to pull out a gun(also figuratively)? How would that person retain a clarity of their goals for being in the marriage as also the possible consequences of their actions at every juncture?

To correct the dysfunction both parties must have a good amount of insight and realize where they were wrong! And that can be the biggest hurdle in the path to healing. Egos are often so hardened as we get older that it is hard to reconcile our own internal conflicts. The sparring partners don’t want the marriage to end but they don’t want to accept half the responsibility for the relationship’s degradation. They are not ready to let go cumulated grievances from past years. I did so much all these years for you, but I can’t see everything you did for me! This visual field defect has become reality for one or both of them. No friend or family member can easily serve as mediator in such cases where the roots of discord have gone deep down. It really calls for a professional family counselor to help them. A friend or a family member as counselor runs risk of being accused of taking sides and also themselves being emotionally drained in the process.

When family intervention is sought I have observed a broad spectrum of reactions. At one end of this spectrum are parents who don’t hesitate to admonish their adult child when he/she is at fault. There are parents who stay neutral when they can’t decide what to do. At the extreme end I have also seen parents who put the entire blame on the spouse who is a victim of their own offspring’s glaring faults.

Here in the USA, more than in India, we have a unique set of problems arising from isolated nuclear families. Husband and wife are going through immense stresses of keeping their jobs, running the household, coping with illnesses of kids without any support from parents or society. The stress brings them to a melting point and they only have each other to explode at. No elder in the home to buffer the frustrations, counsel the young minds and protect the kids when the parents are at odds with each other. The effects on children who are caught in the middle of a parental conflict and domestic violence is a big topic in itself and deserves a separate discussion.The society at large is apathetic and therefore conducive towards a culture of divorces, remarriage and broken families. That makes marriages more vulnerable to falling apart. There is really nothing and nobody to measure which marriage could be potentially saved and which is beyond saving. When the truth is, not all marriages are equally damaged or need giving up on. The risks and benefits of saving a marriage are not the same in every case. But who has the time or inclination to intervene and help? And if they do, how many times are their words given an attentive ear?

Recently I had a telephone appointment with a 75 year old woman who tested positive for Covid the day before. I told her I would order paxlovid( a antiviral medication designed to treat Covid) for her. She was happy about that. But I needed her to go do a blood test to check her kidney function at the lab to make sure this medication is safe for her. When she heard that she started yelling at me. I told her calmly “ Don’t shout at me please!”. She said she is just frustrated, she lives alone, does not drive, needs some friend to take her. Shouting is not at you, she said. Then paused . George Washington! Let’s just pick on him today, she added..We ended the visit on a friendly note. And I had learned a lesson from her. Next time I am pulling my hair in frustration, instead of yelling at the person closest to me, I can pick out of 46 Presidents of the USA! Jokes aside, such tools can save escalations of domestic disputes to violence. Indeed most domestic disputes arise because unrelated stress erupts in front of people closest to you. And we fail to see this. We take it personally. And allow it to brew and boil instead of nipping it in the bud. There also needs to be a basic sensitivity within us to recognize the humanness of the other person. And also a habit to talk about these incidents before the end of the day, apologize, and have a closure on them. Not carry them forward.

Law enforcement is rigid and often lacking common sense. They horribly turn a blind eye in serious cases that need more surveillance and intervention while coming down unnecessarily hard on cases that are benign and occurring out of occasional loss of restraint between man and wife, where there is no threat of life or injury to either of them.

Raising awareness among young people regarding domestic violence, giving them the right tools for prevention and early intervention and resources for counseling is essential for the society to mitigate the symptoms if not entirely cure this disease.

As much of importance is the spiritual practice of individuals to sustain a healthy relationship within their family. Earlier the wisdom of the holy books is grasped, lesser will be the damage done. Words of wise men and women who lived before us become pertinent to ponder upon.

Arey sansar sansar dona jeevaancha vichar

Detaa dukkhala hokar ahe sukhaalaa nakaar

Bahinabai in her simple words gave us the essence of marriage. Marriage is where there is consideration of two people at every turn. When selfishness enters the relationship and happiness is denied from one to another, sorrow and hurt become inevitable.

Poet Aarti Prabhu penned the famous song that was rendered in the deep, poignant and haunting voice of Ravindra Sathe for the Marathi movie Saamnaa.

Kunaachyaa khaandyaavar kunaache ozay

Kunaache ozay

Whose burden is it really and whose shoulder is it being carried on?

Kashaa saathi utaraavay tambu thokun

Kona mele kunaa saathi rakta okun

Jagataat yethe koni manaat kujoon

Tari kasay fulataat gulaab hey taajay?

Why do we set up a tent and settle down in one place? For who? Who cares if someone suffered all their life, bruised, bloodied and died for others sacrificing their own happiness?

How many live such a life strangling their own aspirations and burying their own thoughts, feelings, hopes and dreams?

Despite this how does life thrive and roses bloom freshly each day? (That’s a matter of surprise)

Deep saaray jaati yethe viroon vizoon

Vriksha jaati andhaaraat gothoon zadoon

Jeeavanaashi gheti paijaa ghokoon ghokoon

Mhanti hey vede Pir tari amhi raaje!

So many lamps here are dulled and/or extinguished continually, either because they run out of oil or are exposed to blowing winds of adversity.

So many trees stand unseen, uncared for in the forests, braving freezing temperatures in the dark and eventually succumbing to decay.

Some self declared saints( Pir) preach about transformation, about turning lives around and changing destinies. Their words are mechanical, meaningless and forced repetitions of things they have heard, read, memorized but never understood, experienced or put into practice. They call themselves Kings( experts) despite this.

Here the reference is to recognizing the less fortunate souls who have no voice for their suffering. To support them, guide them and let them see some light of hope, change and meaning in life. Not pass judgements, not misguide them when you lack qualifications or understanding of their situation, and not remain ignorant about their pain and suffering. If you can’t help at least don’t become their problem.

I always find the particular line referring to the fresh blooming of roses very poignant. Tari kasay fultaat gulaab hey taaje? So many victims of domestic violence( for that matter any kind of abuse in this world) suffer in silence for their kids. Sacrifices are made by so many so others can see better days. Those battered souls and the tears and blood they shed goes down to nourish other lives and to let them flourish and blossom. If only every fresh rose that blossoms could see those tears and realize that today they are standing fresh and glorious because of it !

One can only pray that the society will learn from its mistakes and humanity will evolve. 🙏🏼🙏🏼