Judging a book by its cover

 

This morning I chanced upon a post from a friend on social media about her encounter with a salesperson at a market in Mumbai. Judging by the very casual dressing, the salesgirl rudely implied to the potential customer that the item she was enquiring about was beyond her means( a la-Pretty Woman- Julia Roberts kind of scenario). Needless to say it did not sit well with the customer and a heated exchange followed.

Judging a book by the cover ! That’s what it’s all about. As I was reading through the narrative I could connect the issue with what’s been my personal realization unfolding over last several weeks. Inherent subconscious biases that interfere when interacting with people we come in contact with under various circumstances! I have started recognizing these within myself of lately. Which is embarrassing because it implies I have been through life so far this way ! But glad I am discovering it now instead of never. These are the biases which lead one to arrive at judgments. And when you reach a judgment, your demeanor, tone of voice and ultimate decision is influenced by that judgment. 

In my day to day work common scenarios where I tend to be lacking empathy is when someone is seeking too many narcotics or asking for too much time off work or despite repeated education and counseling neglecting their medical issues such as diabetes or other conditions. 

My new found understanding of these personal deficits has made me step back and think. The issue is about not understanding where each individual is coming from and why they are how they are. I had to formulate a strategy to look at these people differently. Rather than identifying the person simply with their particular name and history I make a conscious choice to identify them as a human being. It seems simplistic yet the truth is that in actual practice the mind forgets to recognize individuals as human beings! Shameful but true ! 

When I recognize them as a human being it puts anyone at equal standing with others. Whether they are drug seeking, negligent of their own health, rude, shabby, deceitful or whatever, they become equal in my eyes as compared with the more responsible and well behaved individuals that I know or meet. Now I stand a better chance to do justice when I offer my service to them, although I must concede that despite this preparedness some individuals still prove to be challenging. For a large number however this awareness and preparedness helps inner judgement and bias to be set aside. I can be more objective with the situation rather than allow other personal reservations to cloud the assessment. And this simply by putting them in a general category of human beings !! 

Somehow miraculously empathy, compassion and a desire to understand them makes an appearance when bias is pushed aside. It cannot be ignored that this requires more time, more effort, more patience and not always does one have the luxury, especially for time. But between all the circus it still allows for better quality of interaction, outcomes and personal satisfaction. One more important thing to remember is to ascertain that the empathy you feel from within is communicated in words to the person, not just body language. 

Taking one step further, above and beyond acknowledging individuals as “human beings”, when I was pondering over the spiritual learnings such as from the Bhagwad Gita ( seeing God in all and everyone in God) or isha vasyam idam sarvam( God pervades everything) it made me pause and think. If indeed one could get this vision, where would that lead in terms of interpersonal relationships? Would it not have a greater impact in terms of mutual respect, understanding and compassion? Unfortunately I do not have the actual lasting/ permanent experience of this vision as yet. It has been sporadic at best. It is said it requires divine intervention or blessings of one’s Guru to get this vision. Until then it is just contemplating on that state of mind and yearning for it. 

While I Iinger at stages much below this ultimate goal I do value some interim realizations that have come to me. One of them is to discover that not everything that my mind concludes is accurate! It takes diving deeper, asking more questions and understanding circumstances in a broader context to reach reasonable conclusions. I need to question my mind until the answers are satisfying. Aberrant behaviors may not be without some cause. It is important to find those causes before putting labels on people. As it may turn out you may end up not putting any labels after all if you make an attempt to understand the cause for why they are how they are. The exercise is freeing up so much junk from my mind, I can’t even express fully. 

Gaining insights into the workings of the mind brings a new responsibility. That is to remain vigilant for reflex actions and exert a check on them in the nick of time. These are reflexes that have become conditionings over a long period of time. They constitute the material what ego is built upon. It’s not at all an easy task. Before I am able to recognize when some individuals begin to press my hot buttons the ego has already kicked in response and the higher mind is left with regret for not being in control. I could have done better I realize but that opportunity is lost! 

Yet I hold on to hope. These failures from day to day will eventually lead up to better self control and success in navigating through challenging situations. I do not dispute the reality that more efforts, more humility, more vigilance is required from me. That is the only direction I have. I must trust the Good Lord that HE will each day put forth for me situations that I NEED to advance in these goals. 

Going back to the incident that led me to this long note of contemplation, the salesgirl and my friend ( the customer) were each in their respective realities. The girl had preconceived notions in her mind that she relied on to judge whether a customer is of the stature to afford the product. My friend expected everyone to disregard her outward appearance when estimating her capacity for pay. There was an obvious mismatch between the understandings in the two minds. 

How often does that happen ? The more people we meet, more often it is likely to happen! There is really no right or wrong here. If one wants better outcomes one must step back and understand where the mismatch happened ! That exercise I have found to help me grow. I may still make mistakes, but more likely they will be new mistakes, not the same as before 😃

Saree is a weave from northern Karnataka. A thick cotton with pastel shade of turquoise on the body with fine checks in yellow that give an overall appearance of sea green. There is gomi teni design in the Ganga Jamuna borders. This motif is inspired by jowar grains (seeds) which is symbolic of prosperity in rural Karnataka. Like most weaves from north Karnataka the saree has pallus at both ends and thus can be worn in more than one direction.