My lessons learnt in saree groups

 

Some of the readers who are on Saree Speak may know that I was restricted from posting or commenting for last six days. I checked with Vini( our administrator). Got immediate response from her. She told me it wasn’t from the admins. It was from

Facebook. She told me she couldn’t intervene, I had to wait it out. And so I did. I really couldn’t do anything.

Some time before the pandemic I had run into a spat with the admins. Some of you are aware of this. The theme of the month was to write about the place you live in. It inspired me to write about my journey in the USA from beginning till current. In one of the posts I discussed my personal experiences with race. These weren’t opinions but rather my real life experiences. Soon after that post I was restricted from commenting. When I checked with Vini I was told that many had found the references to race to be offensive. 

My restriction was later lifted but my displeasure had not been wiped out. I believed that the admins or readers who were offended had not truly taken time to understand my post. Fiesty as I was ( still am) in the next post I wrote this line: whoever objected to my post on race and found it offensive needs to go get a life !!

😄

Vini approved the post but asked me to edit out that particular sentence.

I wasn’t prepared to do that. 

I told her you are the admin. You have the right and powers to approve or reject my post. You can delete it if you want.

But I am not going to remove that sentence. 

I distinctly remember I was visiting my son in Miami at the time and this heated argument went back and forth for quite some time. 

I told Vini that by telling me what to say and what not to say she was clipping my wings. I couldn’t fly with wings clipped.

What she said in response stung worse than a bee sting. 

She told me “ fly on your own wall.”

That day I realized that one needs to have their own home even in virtual space. 

It led to me writing on my personal blog that my daughter had helped create for me much before the incident.

Next question before me was whether I should leave the group or stay?

I did a self search. Why do I want to leave? 

Because I felt I had received unfair treatment. Majority of people who had read the post in question had not found it offensive. The select few who did had restricted commenting on that post.

On top of that Vini had insulted me by telling me “ fly on your wall”. 

The implication in that sentence was “ this is not YOUR wall. Not YOUR space.”

Who wants to live where you don’t belong?

I searched deeper. 

Who is offended?

My ego.

I did not want to leave because my ego was hurt. Then I would let my ego win.

Despite the insult and hurt I decided to stay. 

I had created my own blog and had the space to breathe and say whatever I wanted. 

The SS forum wasn’t essential for me anymore.

But I learnt big lessons in the process. 

The most important was how to live in a community.

It is going to continue that people with authority may overstep and be rude to you. They may not realize what comment can pierce your heart. What comment may make you feel unwanted.

It is you who can learn from there what not to say to someone else. To be watchful of your words, your language and tone and also to watch your interpretation of words and context of things. 

This is your chance to rein in your ego.

Your opportunity to rise above praise and criticism, approval and censure.

Popularity is a double edged sword. It feels good but inflates the ego. If you don’t simultaneously learn to deflate your ego, the good work will be done by someone else. And that will cause more pain. More misunderstandings and rifts.

In a community when differences escalate invariably the worst of behaviors come to surface. Normally civil people start using harsher language and tone. 

And love just takes a back seat.

It is not gone away. 

It never goes away. 

It just watches silently.

The egos continue to battle.

And love watches silently. 

It doesn’t even get hurt.

No one can hurt love.

The minute the egos take a break 

Love can be heard. Love can be felt. 

Again today I am simply narrating my personal experiences. 

Vini can correct me if what I narrated in the above incidents is inaccurate. To her credit she spent a very long time arguing with me at the time. And the one thing she said that had a lot to do with me staying is “ would I spend so much time on this if I wanted you to leave ?”

It is not easy on Vini to manage a group of so many hundred thousand members. 

Although she is not perfect I don’t think we can blame everything on her. 

I don’t think she is always right. But neither is any of us. 

Every member in a community is precious. But they may not always feel valued.

However, unless you learn to value yourself and rise above petty incidents and recognize the love in your heart you will continue to be hurt wherever you go. 

Bade bade deshon mein aisi chhoti chhoti baatein hoti rehti hain.😄

Mere ghar mein bhi hoti rehti hain 😄

Ghar chhodkar thode nikal jaana hain? 

Jayenge bhi to kahan? 

Sabhi taraf apna hi ghar hain!

Joyce C. Hamilton, just for you:

Such minor incidents keep happening between big nations!

They happen in my household too.

But why should we leave the home because of these? 

Even if we leave, where would we go? 

Whichever direction we look it is our home.

I reiterate what I told my mom recently.

Mind is a cheat, an imposter, a criminal, a troublemaker. Don’t believe everything it tells you. 

Learn to give another person the benefit of doubt. 

If in person communication fails, try WhatsApp.

If WhatsApp fails, try in person communication.

But communicate. Because there is love. 

Egos are defeated. Love can’t be defeated.

Saree is a Katan silk Benarasi with a wider lower border.