Modesty and Humility

 

Modesty and Humility 

We often use some terms alternately believing they are the same thing. Yet when we take a closer look the differences are stark. More recently I chanced upon an interview by the American poet-writer Maya Angelou where she famously stated “ When a modest person is slammed to the wall by life, modesty will drop off faster than a G-string from a stripper.” She continues “ Modesty is a learned affectation. You don’t want modesty, you want humility. Humility comes from the inside.”

There are some things that you don’t think about until you listen to someone who has given a thought to it. And that person has given a thought to it because they have experienced something significant that most other people have not.

Modesty is a learned affectation!! Who do we learn it from ? What shapes modesty ? People who raise us? Society at large? Why do they teach modesty? 

First we must understand what is modesty? 

One definition is “ the quality of being unassuming or moderate in the estimation of one’s abilities”

Or “ not being too proud or confident about yourself and your abilities”.

Another definition is “ propriety in dress, speech or conduct.”

Propriety in dressing, speech and conduct is easier to understand. But why would a parent or guardian want us to not be confident about ourselves or our abilities? 

I remember the days in my early twenties when my parents were actively seeking grooms for me as per the Indian tradition of arranged marriages. Most often we were invited to the guy’s house for the meeting, though occasionally we would meet at a restaurant or some other place. My father set down rules of dressing up during those meetings. No make up ! Decent saree, no bling! Saree took care of not showing excess skin other than face and hands. Simplicity was considered appropriate for not just a young girl from a middle class family but also for a medical professional. Anything more would be looked upon as a show off and impertinent.

Yet dad was not blind to the reality of the harm of rejection. At every turn he affirmed confidence in me. “ If there is a no from the guy, it doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you. He is simply undeserving of you.”

 At every stage dad had beamed with pride when I achieved anything. The day I got my 12th grade result and qualified for admission to the prestigious medical school in Mumbai I had seen that pride written on his face. And with every subsequent milestone in my life. Whether it was starting or completing my residency in Los Angeles, becoming a mother, getting my home or a new car or getting applause for singing or recognition at work. Whenever I lacked confidence he was there to boost it.

And yet the ghost of modesty has haunted me my entire life. The day I was scheduled for my residency interview at USC a kind professor who was known to one of my friends came up to me and told me specifically to ‘brag’ about my top achievements in internal medicine in India. We were never taught to brag about anything. Bragging rights were restricted to our family on our behalf. But that was of no use here. In the USA each person was his/ her own salesman. Modesty was not only useless it was actually a disadvantage. 

To think about it, modesty is looks elegant and charming. Modesty gains admirers. In a society where race, gender, affluence and such things are structured in hierarchies, modesty allows for these hierarchies to continue as they are. Conversely, for any change to occur in existing strata, modesty can be a major hindrance. For people who have been marginalized it becomes a matter of more consequence to profess modesty. Indeed modesty can be afforded by those with more privileges, not by the underdogs. The latter will continue to linger in obscurity if they don’t abandon modesty. 

Yet, I know firsthand how easier said it is than done. The deep marks of conditioning take time to erase. In fact, if I am correct in interpretation of the Bhagwad Gita, modesty is explicitly advocated when elucidating how Prakriti is the real performer. Any person who believes he is the doer and claims the achievements as his own, is ignorant, says Shri Krishna. For a person who has followed this doctrine earnestly all life long it is going to be tough to change the tune deep inside and begin to assert one’s achievements. Intellectually I can see that there needn’t be a contradiction to do this and still be faithful to the teachings because the claim to personal achievements is part of the world stage performance. At the spiritual level you can still NOT own those achievements. One should be able to have sound judgement about when it is necessary to assert one’s capabilities and triumphs. Nevertheless it would take a lot of courage, deep understanding and conscious effort to give up practicing modesty when called for.

 A good start is to acknowledge that it( modesty) is certainly dispensable!

What is not dispensable at any level and any time, human or spirit, is humility. It becomes all the more important to be able to recognize that humility is not the same as modesty. As I understand these concepts, being modest is to say “ I am not that good as you think “ whereas, being humble is to say “ I am as good as you say, but I can see much goodness in you and other people too. There is also a lot of room for me to do better.” Humility doesn’t dismiss one’s strengths while simultaneously acknowledging the strengths of other people. 

Giving up modesty is essential to protect oneself from insults. Holding on to humility is essential to refrain from insulting others. Both are necessary to remain true to yourself. Retaining modesty betrays your true self in many ways. The message : Stand up for the underdog. Dont nurture an underdog within yourself. 

Another reminder that charity must begin at home.

It is a work in progress.

Saree is a cotton Dongoria weave from Odisha. 

I did not say this to mom or anyone at home but three days back , on Sunday, as I took a short nap in the afternoon I saw Baba in my dream. Ever since he has left the mortal world I haven’t seen him much in my dreams even though he is in my thoughts all the time. Sunday afternoon Abhay had thrown a major tantrum over a minor thing and I had made a final plea to him to let me take a nap. As I fell asleep with that tortured mind Baba sneaked in through a partially open door. He was dressed quite different from his usual manner. He was wearing a traditional Marathi topi ( white cap) on the head and a jacket over his shirt. In his hand he carried a small bag which he had brought for me. Reminded me of my days at KEM when he would come by with food that he had cooked for me. Anyways. In the dream he placed the bag on the bed next to me and enquired “ when are the people coming from Los Angeles?” ( probably a reference to Roshni’s family, my son’s future in laws.) Then he reached out to wipe a tear from the corner of my right eye. And left as quickly as he had come. 

I hadn’t realized I was lonely dealing with Abhay’s random outbursts. Baba made sure I wasn’t lonely afterall. Parents and grandparents do watch over you even after they are out of sight. How beautiful is that !