Action, Inaction and Reaction

 

Action-Inaction-Reaction

A recipe for trouble or opportunity to grow?

I shared on the blog the happenings from the recent wedding of our son. It is obvious that the joy and sense of fulfillment occupied a large part of the mind after the event. Yet the portions that brought discomfort didn’t easily cease to prick. Perhaps there is a good reason for this. Those are the corners that beg for a closer look because that’s where lies room for improvement. It is, however, important to first acknowledge that, in comparison to what went well, these incidents where things didn’t go too well are very small. That should help to not tilt the scales towards undue misery and to not deviate you from the basic sense of peace as you dissect through the imperfections. 

While every guest at the wedding showered greetings of congratulations, kind blessings, generous compliments and words of gratitude, there was one guest whose demeanor all through that morning stood out from the rest. There was no joy, no smile on the face. No eye contact for the most part. Answers to any questions were curt and leaning on the premise of “ I don’t want to make a conversation with you “. As if the person preferred to be some place else. There was an unease. There was grumpiness. A palpable hostility that was difficult to miss. 

Several days before going into the big event I was aware of my own vulnerability to making mistakes. My mother- in-law would often say when she was taking leave from our home or my sister in law’s home “भूल चूक माफ करा” !! Forgive my mistakes. 

What is bhool? And what is chook? Bhool is error of omission. Chook is error of commission. What you should have done and didn’t do is bhool. And what you did but didn’t do right is chook. 

So here I was facing this guest who was obviously unhappy with me and I knew there had to be something I had done or failed to do that was the cause of the wrath. It was awkward and just not appropriate to ask a direct question at the moment while so many people were around. Despite my discomfort I didn’t probe or say anything to provoke any unpleasant exchange of words. The guest had called a taxi ride to take her to the airport along with her father. I helped them to the car and bid them a cordial goodbye while thanking them for coming and letting them know over and over again how much it had meant to me. 

The following morning I sent a text message checking on her that their journey had been smooth, they had reached home safely and had time to rest. I reiterated in that text that I was grateful that they had come despite how challenging it was for her to care for her elderly father. I also gently asked her to excuse me for any errors of omission or commission on my part. Four days passed and I got no response from her. I knew there had to be something. Now I was getting restless to understand her grievance. 

Her father had been in touch with me through the week and I finally asked him. Is there something she is upset about? He told me” don’t worry about it”. 

How could I not worry about it? She was my guest and it was obvious that I did something that she didn’t like. How could I know unless I hear from someone what it was? Sunday was the wedding. Monday went by. Then Tuesday and Wednesday. Thursday her father said to me “ she hasn’t said anything. Can you send her a text saying I am sorry if you feel I did something wrong ?” 

I shared with him my earlier text sent Monday that essentially said I am sorry for anything I may have missed or said and thanked her for coming. I also had planned on sending another message of apology even before he requested me to do so. And I did. 

She replied to this second message saying she is “not upset at all. Was working night shifts and rested during the day. Had no time for anything else”. 

The relief was that she had written back. But my question still remained unanswered. What did I do to upset her? 

It was Saturday when I was speaking to my sister Minal and told her that this person seems to be miffed at me for some mysterious reason. At that time Minal told me the background. The night before the wedding we had arrived in Los Angeles and stayed in a hotel and come to the wedding venue early morning. The guest and her father had stayed back in our Bakersfield home and got a ride from our friends that morning to arrive at the venue. As soon as I had arrived I went upstairs to the room where the bride was. The makeup artist was just about completing the bride’s makeup and summoned me to take the seat next. The room was packed with other people, their bags, purses and what not. Just so my phone would not get misplaced or lost I promptly put it in my purse and stowed it away. I had valuables in my bags and had to watch out for them. I got down to removing jewelry for the bride before she proceeded for her saree draping from a friend. And then of course getting my own makeup and hair done. Once I was done there were other girls who called out for help. Amita wanted the jewelry she was to wear. Shikha( the bride’s sister) wanted my help to drape her saree. Abhay and Adwight needed help to wear their dhotis. I was all over the place helping all of them one after another. It was past 10: 20 am and I was yet to drape my own nine yards saree. We had to be downstairs for the groom arrival ceremony by 10:45 am. So I was shoved away to get dressed.

Unbeknownst to me, the guest in question had sent me a text earlier around 9:30 am only stating they had arrived from Bakersfield. She didn’t write that she needed help with her saree. My mom had helped her drape at home but apparently she wasn’t happy with the way it sat on her. The fact that I had not responded to her text irritated her. She asked if Minal could help. Minal suggested calling another niece who she sincerely thought would do a better job than herself. That irked the guest even more. She thought Minal did not want to help. The niece was busy upstairs helping out Abhay with his dhoti after I had to leave and get my own saree draped. So Minal called another family member to help the guest. She was already resisting but her father urged her to go to the bedroom and get help from the ladies. She went. They adjusted her pallu and pleats. But nothing could cheer her up. She was still grumpy. She had concluded that I didn’t care and that I had ignored, neglected her!! 

I could now see why and how everything went wrong! Me not having access to my phone, she not able to tell me directly about her needs had created a misunderstanding and made things fal through the crack when they shouldn’t have. 

After much deliberation I decided to write back. I had failed her by my absence in her time of need even though it wasn’t intentional. First of all I acknowledged and validated her feelings and apologized for my faulty communication that morning. I wrote about the circumstances which had prompted me to stow away my phone. I asked for forgiveness for my oversight and pleaded for her to stay in touch as we moved on. She responded saying “totally understand. Please do not worry at all. Truly already forgotten and moved on. 💕”. I closed the exchange with a “ thank you 🩷”.

What the incident highlighted for me was the phenomenon of misunderstanding and grievances !! Our human brain perceives action and/or inaction and responds with a reaction. Unless there is a filter between perception and reaction it can lead to unnecessary misery for the people concerned.

I am human too and when I heard the reason why she was upset with me I had my own raw emotions. How thoughtless of her to expect I would have time that morning to attend to her! How immature to get upset over such a trivial act of omission! How rude to not respond to an earnest message from someone who had tried her best to be a good host for you? These internal reactions, whether reasonable or not, would be of no use to keep a relationship in good standing. They were also inappropriate for a host to harbor for a guest. They smelled of arrogance and disrespect for the other person’s feelings and brushed off personal responsibility. 

Above all, they were completely blind to the understanding of the bigger picture of the other person’s life. She was a woman about the same age as me who had witnessed her husband lying in a pool of blood from a self inflicted wound about ten years back. With that trauma she was holding on to life, working as a professional, being a single mom raising her two daughters who had also witnessed the same traumatic events. Emotional stability was not something that could come easily given her circumstances. If I didn’t have a filter of understanding and empathy I would cause more pain to her and in turn to myself. There would be no winners in this situation. Now at least there is a chance we can move forward as friends and lend a hand if and when the other person needs. If it is meant to be she may gain insight into her meltdown and do better in future times. 

There was a good reason my mind experienced the discomfort that day and for the few days subsequently. I had the opportunity to understand my own reactions and affirm my filters. It is the grace of the good lord to have the insight and the tools. No amount of formal education or money can bring these gifts in life. 

Saree is a cotton weave from Assam with ghicha and eri silk work on the pallu.