Lessons from Adult Children

 

Lessons from Adult Children 

The past month or so has been like sitting in a boat. When another boat approaches you , even if you have paused in still waters the motion from the arriving boat rocks your boat. A couple of conversations with my daughter Amita regarding some important decisions of her life pertaining to finding the right job and right life partner caused enough turbulence in my mind to search for landing gear. It motivated self search. The findings were truly precious. 

We as parents really don’t realize the invisible privilege we enjoy of being decision makers while the kids are growing up. It is something that we take for granted. Until the kids develop adult egos and become assertive in situations calling for decisions. And one fine day it hits hard. My way of thinking is not the only right way of thinking!! They open your eyes to this big reality in a way only they can. 

Yesterday during a casual phone call we were talking ( mom and daughter) and she told me about something she confided with a friend. My first reaction was “ I think that was unnecessary”.  Her response was “ I disagree. I think it was important to share.” And then she added “ I’m not going to let you make me feel bad”. 

It wasn’t the fact that she disagreed that really bothered me. It was the comment that followed. 

 “ I’m not going to let you make me feel bad”. 

It hit me because I read in it an implication that I am making her feel bad with the stand I’m taking. I was only trying to be protective. Additional information could be used against her by the person she shared it with. 

The day was busy at work and I was quite engaged in it so forgot about all this temporarily. Yet in the evening my mind glided uncomfortably over that single comment. 

Then I spoke with my other kid over the phone. He had the day off after returning from a weeklong trip to India. During a relaxed chat I brought up the topic of a puja we were going to have at home to welcome our daughter in law formally into the home. They were so busy with work after the wedding in February that this puja was postponed until they were available. The next part of the wedding celebration is going to be farther from home and not many people from town are going to able to make it there. I thought it may be good to invite them home for the puja so they get to meet the newly weds and give them their blessings. Afterall these people had a hand in teaching my kids when they were young. As soon as I spoke the idea aloud my son objected to it. “ Why are you complicating it? “ 

It was a wake up call. The kids are grown up!! They have their own way of thinking. There is a power coming each day to their voices. And my voice is going to get drowned out. 

What should I be doing under these circumstances ? Shout louder to be heard? Or allow them to shut my voice permanently? 

As a mother I definitely want them to find their voices. I want to be the ear they feel they can turn to when they want to be heard. I want them to gain the confidence to speak up in the world even if the world may not always be inclined to hear them. But in this process would I be responsible to see them getting gradually deaf to my voice and other voices of sanity? 

Should I bother to make my voice audible? When should I make my voice audible? Where do we draw the lines while making decisions that involve family? 

I think these are important questions to ponder upon. Definitely a turning point for a parent where he or she is no longer the sole person making decisions. But equally a critical point for the kids who are assuming full fledged adulthood to consider their scope while making decisions. 

I think, like most people, I missed this conversation (both in silence with myself, and aloud with my parents) when I attained adulthood and independence. And the result of that oversight was a significant dysfunction within the family that has carried on to the present day. 

A poignant reminder of this dysfunction sprung up recently. We were going out for breakfast on a Saturday. It was my husband Abhay’s birthday coming up on Monday and our daughter Amita was home to celebrate. Mom was with us as we drove to the restaurant. While we pulled the car from the garage we saw our neighbors were out in their yard. There were grandkids playing on the lawn while they waited for a pick up, their bags sitting on the side walk and grandpa ( our neighbor) waiting with them. 

Once we hit the road Amita asked what’s up with the neighbors lately. I told her they had been spending some time in Minnesota and few months here. Seems like their daughter has moved in here with her family. One day the neighbor had run into Abhay a few months back and offered to buy our basketball hoop that sat in the driveway. Abhay wanted to donate it to them but I knew Adwight ( our son) loved to throw some shots into the hoop whenever he came home. So I planned on talking to the neighbor that they could have our stand and hoop in their front yard for her grandson to play but let our son come throw a few shots whenever he was home. We were not going to take money from them for using our hoop. I had not even finished saying this when my mom began to counter me. Abhay joined in the chorus. I found myself pushed back by them without understanding where I was coming from. So I simply asked mom ”do you really need to have an opinion about everything?”. That flew right back in my face. She just lost it and went on a rant saying how I was rude to her, how she felt neglected, and made to feel like it is not her home etc etc etc. 

It was just a very ugly moment with the tantrum she threw. 

What was good about it was that her pent up emotions came to surface.  For me, it opened windows to investigate within, whether truly I was  neglecting her. As mildly and jokingly as I had tried to put it by saying “ do you need to have an opinion about everything?” , it certainly could be perceived as a rude thing to say. But at the heart of it was a feeling within me of being undermined of the authority to make decisions in the household. Of having too many people challenging simple decisions when there was no need to. 

I was not greedy and certainly not expecting money from the neighbor for that hoop. I was simply having a strategy where their young grandson could enjoy playing and my son could still access the hoop whenever he was here. I thought it would be a win win situation. Instead I was made to feel like I was hoarding the hoop. I was subjected to defending my decision without them trying to understand my rationale. Honestly, I have been in the shoes of decision maker for so many years and getting tired of such frequent and repetitive questioning from people who are unwilling to stand in my shoes and take control of decision making. They simply pose objections without sound rationale or solutions. It is getting to be very tiring fighting the objections and getting work done. 

Beneath all this is the fact that we have never really sat down and talked about boundaries. Who is the decision maker? What does every person in the household expect to be their role when decisions are called for? What kind of decisions must involve every person in the family to weigh in? What is best left to just one person? I think it is time to have this talk so every voice is heard, no one feels neglected or undermined or not understood. It is time that decision makers are clearly identified for specific tasks and circumstances and everyone has some guidelines about when to weigh in and when not to. It gives each one a sense of control even to think that they are approving another person to take the decision. The decision could prove wrong or right, but it would not be any longer unilateral if there is approval from all members of the family.

 The shoes of a lone decision maker are getting worn out and she is a lonely soldier. But her battles are not done and cannot be done as long as the mind and body are capable. 

Saree is a thick cotton Kotpad from Odisha. The temple motifs on the border are called phoda kumbha. This is one of those sarees I tend to wear more often than others due to its comfort, hardiness and convenience, whether to work or travel or just a casual day at home.