Tum Chale Jaaoge To Sochenge

Today this line from Jagjit Singh’s ghazal reverberates in the mind. The original lyrics by Javed Akhtar begin with Tum ko dekha toh yeh khayaal aaya. But in the context of this day it feels like the song should begin with 

Tum chale jaaoge to sochenge….

The Tum (You) here for me is my career. The last time I sat down and reminisced something fondly yet tinged with sadness was when I sat under a banyan tree at Uddhar Rameshwar near my home town when I went to immerse the mortal remains of my dear father in the kunda (holy hot springs ) at the place. My friend told me to close my eyes and think of whatever I can from the lifelong memories of my father. Today is the day of my formal retirement from my job. A job I took since October of 1997 and held through good and not so good times until today. I had nearly the same solemn feeling today as I did after my father passed away.

My career truly began in June 1983 when I joined medical school in Mumbai. Entering into medicine was more of an assignment to fulfil my father’s dream than my own, at the time. The period during the earliest training at medical college in Mumbai was rather rough. After four years, there arrived a point where I was almost ready to quit. Yet something held that delicate thread from breaking. I really believe it was my father’s strong will that stopped the thread from breaking. Life barely managed to scrape through that narrow path intact at the time.

The kite soared again in the sky held by an unknown hand. The days in Chicago in the early 1990s when I was glued to the couch with books and notes, preparing for FMGEM exams come to mind. Then on the actual days of the exam, shuttling between writing the exam in the exam halls and feeding my infant daughter in the hotel room ….everything seems like it was just yesterday. There was no complaining, no overwhelming feeling in those days. It seemed like I could do everything. Soon arrived the second baby and by the time he was crawling around on fours, I was ready to start the next phase of my training, the residency at USC Keck School of Medicine. 

Three years of this training at a large county hospital was both a challenge and a blessing. The HIV pandemic was still going on, but there was hope shining by then, with several medications on the horizon to treat the multiple opportunistic infections that came with the virus. On the human side, I got to see some of the poorest people battling the worst of medical conditions. These people had nowhere else to go and their eyes greeted us amateur doctors with great trust, hope and gratitude. The sight of abandoned gay men dying like flies in the HIV ward still remains fresh in my mind after nearly three decades. The opportunity to be in the company of some of the most brilliant brains in the country and learn from these professors during those three years was perhaps the reward of good karma from a previous life. Between tough schedules, that held me in the hospital for over 36 hours at a time every third day and the returning home to my two young children, I did not realize how the three years had swept by. 

A whole universe of possibilities stood in front of me at the end of those three years, waving dreams about getting more time with those remarkable professors, those men of knowledge, whose company was the fortune of not many on Earth. Yet, I had to be content with what I got thus far, and put a full stop to education under an academic institution for the sake of my young family. 

Career entered its next phase from that point. It was just me now, one on one with each patient, extending to them whatever my teachers had taught me. Whatever was beyond my scope, I sent out to the specialists. The initial years were wrought with some basic challenges. Challenges about being a person of foreign origin, foreign accent and foreign appearance. There were patients who left the room saying “ I don’t understand a word she says “. This, despite the fact that my entire education was in English!! This cohort of patients was far different from the grateful lot I was used to seeing at the county hospital. Here people seemed to be entitled  more than being trusting about the care they received. They were weaponized with the know how about ways to file complaints and give unfavorable surveys, even threatening to malign publicly if they didn’t get what they asked for. There were more than just a few days when I felt like I am in a battle I could never win.

Yet giving up was not an option for me anymore. That junction was left far behind. So I marched on. 

When patient challenges seemed to subside, and they began to accept me, there arose challenges with biased and power hungry administrators who did not tolerate a voice of dissent. There were many nights when I tossed and turned and woke up wondering how I was going to fight if they try to get rid of me. That unsettling situation lasted a good decade or more. Then that too became a thing of the past. Basically it was a victory because the wrong people were thrown out by people who stood up for ethics and fairness.

In the midst of this I didn’t realize when those little kids of mine were ready to fly out of the nest. In a blink of the eyes they were gone on their own paths. Now my career got more undivided attention from me. There were patients who remained loyal from the start of my job till the end. Whether the end came because they had to move out of town, or because they lost their insurance or their battle with life. Or now because it was my time to retire. 

Until now there wasn’t time to sit and think about what this career gave me. And now that I stand on its far side Javed saheb’s words ring in my ears.

Tum chale jaaoge to sochenge….

Humne kya khoya

Humne kya paya

( When you are gone, I will take time to think. What did I lose and what did I gain.)

It is hard to measure what this career gave me. This career is what Krishna calls Yadnya in the Bhagwad Gita. It was my sacrificial fire for sustenance and evolution. It was my bridge to meet the universe. The many people of knowledge and wisdom that I met due to becoming a part of this profession and the many people who gave me the opportunity to serve them, both taught me things I couldn’t have learned from books. They widened my perspectives each day in ways I never imagined. My patients especially taught me what love and gratitude means. The tears that I saw in their eyes in these last few weeks when they were taking leave of me made me understand what terms like “immeasurable” and “priceless”really mean! 

What did I lose because of my career? Nothing that I consider as a lamentable personal loss. Here are those things that were at stake.

Youth? 

May be if you count the gray on my head, then my youthful years are gone. But at heart I still feel as young as I did on the first day at my job and younger than I did when I entered medical school! Many previous perceived burdens are actually lifted off my shoulders. So youth is actually restored. 

Prejudice?

Yes, to a large extent I lost several prejudices. Hard to explain this in words that will not be misunderstood. Having seen people from backgrounds that were not always aligned to the cultural values I was raised with, for example, those using drugs, those with alcohol addictions, multiple sexual partners, infidelity, premarital sex, homosexuality, transgender people, to name a few, and having observed their pain and struggles, forced me to see them merely as human beings and put those values aside while doing my job. It made me see myself in the state I was before the world pasted the values on my being. I learned to draw a line for keeping my values only for myself.

My family?

Not at all. My kids grew up but right in front of my eyes, not behind my back. It seemed fast, but certainly not without my knowledge. They still keep an open channel with me. The phone calls are never brief and curt and for the sake of formality. Despite how busy they are they find time to chat leisurely. How much more generous could my career have been to not rob this privilege from me? 

Time?

Yes career took that big chunk of time out of my life. But I can’t think of anything else where the time could have been used any better. My father was right after all!! He gave me that sphere to lavish my time upon and come out feeling fulfilled. When you have spent your time in full awareness and with dedication, that time converts to memory and memory has the magical power of  bringing everything into the present moment. Thus a life spent in full awareness is never lost. 

Ego?

I will not claim that my ego is gone for good. But the career has definitely chopped it down to much insignificance than it was in the beginning. Previously I thought I knew it all, and my way is the only right way. The walk through the career has made me realize what’s right for me may not necessarily be right for another person. And in many instances, I may not be right at all! I am able to learn from anyone and everyone. Every conversation I have with my patients teaches me something invariably. 

Insecurity?

Definitely career took insecurity off my heart. I was a nobody. I still am a nobody. But the difference is that being nobody was painful and disturbing in those early days. Now it is a matter of satisfaction. 

These are just the immediate things that come to mind. I have all the time in the world now to figure out the answer to this question: What did I gain from and what did I lose because of my career? 

At the end of it however, comes the realization that one may retire on paper and in deed, but the career does not “go away “ or “come to an end”. It remains with you forever in the form of Experience!! And the same is true about people who come into our lives. They stay on as experience. They stay on as a feeling. A treasure. 

Reflection becomes possible AFTER something has converted into experience. Experience is knowledge and knowledge is in the realm of the absolute. Reflection on the other hand is in the realm of the finite or relative existence. Therefore reflecting on something like a career which has converted to experience is like taking a measuring tape and trying to measure a line that is infinite. It can make you grow up to the point when you realize you are being foolish to get to the bottom of it. As a limited ego I can only conclude that it has been one of the greatest fortunes of my life to have lived through this career. I can’t imagine exchanging it for anything other than what I got. Even the tough parts of it. 

The sign with my name outside the office will be gone after today. A new doctor will be given that room beginning next week. 

Doctor’s Day coming up this Sunday, the administration had put up posters on each door with messages from our patients acknowledging our service. 

Another long time patient seeing me today got emotional realizing she may not see me again. Can I hug you doctor, she asked, with tears welling up in her eyes. We hugged tightly. I thanked for putting her trust in me all along and she shook her head firmly saying in a shaky voice “ there is no one like you”. This is the highest honor for any servant. When the people you strive to serve throughout your life reward you with love and honor. No amount of my reflection will measure this whole fascinating journey that I see as a career.

 It is this love from you that matters to my heart, I told her as I walked out of the room. I meant every word of it. And she knew it.