Understanding and Being Understood: A memory
Understanding and Being Understood : A memory
The last post triggered a memory from nearly two decades ago. I had already become a partner at my organization a few years before this incident. There was a senior colleague who I wasn’t very acquainted with at a personal level. And being a shy person intrinsically, I kept to myself whenever I met the larger group during partner meetings. This doctor was a white guy, tall, very heavy set and very formidable for a tiny person like me, both by his physical appearance and the manner in which he spoke.
During one of the meetings we had a closed room discussion regarding for advancing some associate physicians towards partnership. Amongst these there was a woman who was the wife of another physician. The husband was already inducted into the partnership and therefore part of the closed discussion. The way these meetings were held was that every partner got an opportunity to share their experiences and impressions of the new associate before the voting proceeds. If majority had favorable opinions the partnership offer was submitted. If substantial concerns were raised then the partnership would be deferred temporarily or permanently depending on the situation.
At this particular meeting, the senior partner, let’s call him Dr O, suggested that the husband of the associate who was going to be reviewed that day be excluded from participation because many people may hesitate to speak their minds in his presence. The husband graciously left the room. Until this point it was a fair thing. However, what happened simultaneously was rather disturbing. Dr O took his point further pointing out that in the not so distant past my husband was in the closed door meeting when my partnership was being discussed and the reason no one spoke negative about me was because they felt awkward saying things in front of my husband !!
And all this, Dr O was hashing out now in the presence of both my husband and me and rest of the partners!! I was bewildered and my husband embarrassed. Many other partners also watched in disbelief!! Dr O was insinuating that I did not deserve to be a partner and simply passed the checkpoint because of my husband’s goodwill!! I became the center of attention when least expected and in the most humiliating way.
My pride was hurt. I felt so vulnerable as never before in my life. What wrong did I do? I kept thinking as I was trying to digest the public insult. I may not have been the top student in my medical training but I was proud of my achievements. I had studied on my own to secure admission to medical college and thereafter to pass my exams. My husband or nobody had anything to do with my qualifications. I was hired at this job based on my credentials and recommendations from my professors. The chief who had hired me had acknowledged to me that he made the decision to take me based on glowing recommendations and not because I was Abhay’s wife. And here Dr O was shredding my personal achievements to pieces just like that!!
I was angry like never before. I stood up from my chair and ,with a voice shaking in anger and hurt, told the group that the Risbuds were not a buy one get one free package. Neither did Abhay pass my exams for me, nor do I pick up the phone and ask him what to do, how to treat my patients in day to day work life. I work independently using my expertise and judgment. If someone claims I got accepted as a partner simply because of Abhay I dont want that partnership. And if there is reasonable doubt in the matter, I want them to vote again, this time with Abhay out of the room.
It was a full on drama that day!! Nobody spoke out other than Dr O and me. The next day I got messages from colleagues sympathizing with me and telling me how wrong Dr O was. One colleague tried to console me with words of support while adding that Dr O is unlikely to change at this age. Best to ignore him.
Uptil here it was just the background of what happened. At the heart of today’s discussion is what follows next.
Within a day or two of that incident the area medical director Dr G came to meet me at my office early in the morning. He was a very sensitive guy who was deeply affected by what Dr O had done to me. Dr G was a psychiatrist by training and had special insights into human behavior. He felt certain that underlying Dr O’s outburst was the fact that he did not know me. His impressions of me were based upon things he had gathered without evidence, possibly heresy from a a patient or two or simply a figment of his own mind. Dr G trusted me and held me in high regard and had confidence that if we broke ice Dr O would change his mind.
It was Dr G’s suggestion that I speak to Dr O and let him see who I really am.
My answer was a strong NO! I was absolutely not going to talk to the man who had not even a common sense of decency to not humiliate a woman and a colleague in the presence of other colleagues when she had done nothing to provoke him whatsoever. I had too much pride to do that. Dr G implored again and again and I stuck to my guns. He left my office defeated even though he tried and had only come with a good intention to mend things between two colleagues.
The frost between Dr O and me never dissolved. He hated me in his guts till the last day of his work life. I didn’t hold respect for him in my mind either. He retired from the organization in or just before 2006 and I haven’t seen or heard from him after that.
Now almost 2 decades later I am a different person. I am able to see Dr G’s wisdom. I just wasn’t ready for it when I was younger. Not only did I have too much pride, I also lacked an understanding of who I am. How was I going to show Dr O who I truly am when I didn’t know it myself? Dr G was giving me an opportunity to making myself understood. But I wasn’t mature enough to take it and make most it. I disappointed the mediator who could have bridged the gap between two people. I didn’t care for reconciliation.
Today if such a thing were to repeat itself I would perhaps have less inhibition to talk to the person insulting me. I would recognize immediately that he obviously doesn’t understand me. I would give him the chance to understand by talking to him. Just as one human being to another. When humans lack the ability to talk, they bark. When they have the wisdom to talk, they dont bark.
Dr G retired not too long after the incident. I miss him today. And I miss Dr O too. I hope they are both well and happy wherever they are.
My piece for consolation is that I am not the same person I was 20 years back. I have learnt a thing or two about human behaviors and relationships.
Saree is a Handloom linen weave from West Bengal.
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