Sarva Pitri Amavasya

 

The new moon day in the Hindu calendar month of Bhadrapad is known as Sarva Pitri Amavasya. The fortnight between the preceding full moon and this day is called pitru paksh. This period is marked for paying our obeisance to and seeking the blessings from our deceased ancestors. 

In my last post I had touched upon the issue of rituals and how the new generation finds it difficult to make sense out of them. Today happens to be sarva pitri amavasya, the culmination of pitru paksh. Over the last two weeks my thoughts have for one reason or another been drawn to the memory of loved ones who are no more. Today particularly is a poignant day that marks 26 years since my dearest brother left us. It is a coincidence that the date this year matches with sarva pitri amavasya. I have in previous years written in context of my brother’s passing. Today I am going to try and organize my thoughts in context of rituals surrounding the departed.

Let me start by reminiscing about my personal experiences on this subject. As I tell the story it may take you through passages that may touch upon superstition, as well as revisiting moments of personal tragedy and lasting realizations. At the end of it I will try to summarize what I think of it at this stage. 

Perhaps my first memory of losing a loved one goes back to 1987. I was in the final year of MBBS in Mumbai when my maternal grandmother passed away in her home in Mumbai. That was the first time I was seeing a loved one laying lifeless in front of me. My mother was inconsolable as were my aunts. Grandkids, me included ,were saddened but surely not perceiving or showing the loss as openly as our mothers. The one thing that has stuck in my memory is from the tenth day out of the traditional thirteen day ritual. 

The entire family had gathered in her home to mark the occasion. A special meal was cooked at home that included some of the items that were here favorite. It is a belief that the departed soul temporarily piggybacks in the body of a crow and comes home to accept the offerings from the close family. If the soul is content in its present state it readily accepts the offerings and flies away. If however it has some unfulfilled desires it refuses to accept the food. Family would then have to pick up on the cue and promise to try their best to fulfil the desire. That day the meal was served on a banana leaf and set on the balcony railing. A couple of hungry crows immediately arrived and began to loudly caw-caw. We stood a few feet away so as to not make them feel threatened to get closer to the food. Despite our initial encouragement to see how promptly they had arrived at the scene, we soon became worried when they just continued to caw in their shrill voice but refused to come near the food. My aaji ( grandma) was a simple soul who really had no personal ambitions or grievance about anything or anyone. What would stop her from accepting the food? Everyone wondered. Then one of my aunts remembered. Aaji would never put a morsel in her mouth until the grandkids had eaten. Hastily all of us grandkids were made to get food in our plates and start eating. Right until then, not a single crow stepped near the food laid out for them. The moment we started to eat, the crows stopped caw-cawing. 0ne crow hopped on to the leaf and pecked at the food. Others followed after the first one had a few pecks It was a moment of great relief for the elders at home. Having cleaned up the food to the last bit all the crows flew away. A burden was lifted off the chest of the elders. I had witnessed it firsthand. 

Fast forward to 1999. This time it was my brother. A young man of only 31. Passed away under unnatural circumstances. Sad circumstances. Broken hearted. Lonely. Anguished. We were in Alandi, on the banks of the Indrayani river to perform his rites. This time too the crows were gathered but refused to come to the food. My older aunt whispered something into my dad’s ears and he stood there, crying, eyes closed, making a mental promise to his deceased son. Within moments a crow opened its wings and flew down to the food and other crows soon followed. The food was gone in no time. 

Then came November 2020. The last rites of my father were on my shoulders. My mom and sister both were back in the USA because we were in the midst of a global pandemic. The night before a close family friend had made a casual comment “ it will be interesting tomorrow. The crow may not touch the food.”

I didn’t find the comment in good taste. My father would never burden me with the thought that he is not satisfied. I woke up the next day and began the cooking. As per the schedule given by the priest everyone gathered at the local cemetery. The initial puja was concluded and the food was served on the leaf while everyone stepped back several feet to allow space for the crows. Literally it took less than a full second for the first crow to hurry and grab the cheese sandwich which my dad loved. That moment I just burst out crying. My dad has vindicated me. Just as I had believed he would. In fact that was the first time since he had passed away that I was able to cry spontaneously and uncontrollably. It was a moment of reaffirmation that I knew my dad and my dad knew me. Nothing would prevent him from accepting whatever I offered him. In fact my eyes are moist as I am writing this. It was a moment that touched deep inside my soul. 

I have tried to think about these incidents. Science cannot explain it. And therefore perhaps these can, quite understandably, be designated as superstitions. My intuitive take on this is that our experiences depend on our mental and spiritual plane of understanding. That day I stood in the shoes of a daughter. Mentally I had a connection with my father’s soul. I may be embodied within a physical body and he was devoid of it. But that was not a barrier for the two of us to communicate. My experience was real for me. Anyone else has the right to cast a doubt. But I can’t doubt what I know and what I experienced. When I step out of the mind and stand in the shoes of a witness I can see it is a grieving daughter finding a convincing channel of communication with her dear father. Both the daughter in a physical body and the father conceived by her without a physical presence are equally real or unreal to me as a witness. 

Now on to a different issue related to rituals surrounding death. That year, 2020, incidentally was the first time when I was in the seat of the person conducting the rituals. Prior to that I was merely an observer. I went through the whole nine yards of the prescribed rituals by Vedic tradition. During the puja at home, the priests walked me through an elaborate ceremony which consisted of making offerings of water, food, clothing etc to three generations of ancestors, namely my father, grandfather and great grandfather. All this done symbolically. These ancestors were represented symbolically with balls made from sticky cooked rice. And the offerings made to each were also symbolic, for example a wick of cotton representing clothing. That one component of the ceremony unexpectedly brought an important realization to me. I owed gratitude to not just my father who I had known in my lifetime but also to the generations before him who made sacrifices upon which subsequent generations could stand up!! Suddenly the perception of my existence changed. It broadened much beyond the world I had known or acknowledged until that moment. And when you take the lineage backwards through the generations where does it culminate? The answer was glaring in my mind. Not only did I realize, in a new way, how I owe my gratitude to the Father of all creation but also to all creation of His! 

Now this creator is without a form. And I, my human mind, has only known to relate with anyone through a form of some kind. There was the answer to the question of why my ancestors must have passed down a tradition of rituals! 

All rituals involving idols or pictures like bathing, dressing up God, adorning HIM with turmeric and sandal paste, flowers, jewels, making offerings of food and money are just a way of expression. How else are you going to show your adoration and gratitude to a formless God when you have an urge to do it physically?

The same holds true for rituals towards ancestors and deceased loved ones. 

More recently, last month, when Sheela, my dear sister-in-law, passed away it made me think about the significance of rituals. This time from a different angle because her husband and sons chose to omit all rituals. Her body was donated for research instead of the traditional cremation. There was not even a prayer meeting organized after she passed away. Anyone connected to her grieved in their own way privately. 

While the rituals or absence thereof are both immaterial by themselves, it is sentiment that counts. The remembrance is surrounded by several different elements. It affords a pathway for a closure for those who are left behind. It facilitates expression of gratitude towards what the deceased person did during their life for the betterment of the lives of the survivors. It serves to ponder on all the special qualities of the person that may be worth emulating. It is an opportunity to learn from their lives, even the mistakes they may have made and the way they lifted themselves up from the ground when they took a fall. There is a reminder of our own mortality in every funeral we become aware of. And if there is enough wisdom, we may realize that this reminder(of our mortality) is a concealed prompt to use our remainder time on earth in the most meaningful way we can. 

A thought comes to mind about this phenomenon of amavasya or new moon. It is the phase when the moon is not visible to our eyes. But it does not negate its presence nor its impact on our planet. The tides in the ocean are proof of the force of the unseen moon. Just like our ancestors who have gone behind the curtain. So today on occasion of sarva pitri amavasya, with these memories, thoughts and deep gratitude I offer my obeisance to all my ancestors and loved ones because of who my life has been enriched and I get to live another day and try to gather as much light as I possibly can 🙏🏼🙏🏼

P.S

While elaborate rituals during pitru paksh may not be practical for everyone, there are simple things one can do.

ॐ पितृगणाय विद्महे

जगत धारिणी धीमहि 

तन्नो पितृो प्रचोदयात्।

This Pitru Gayatri mantra is a tool to invoke the blessings of our pitr ( ancestors) by chanting.

 Both women and men have the authority to do any of the potty paksh rituals if they wish to. 

Cover picture taken early morning as I walked to my clinic in Tehachapi last Wednesday. 

Other pictures are selfies I took in my hotel room that morning before checking out and walking on the street to get to the clinic. A favorite Ajrakh on pure cotton made for me by my artisan friend Irfan bhai Khatri from Kutch, Gujarat. I wanted one in deep indigo and he made it exactly how I wanted.