I Was Once There!

 I Was Once There!

Yesterday I got drawn into an interesting conversation with some saree lover friends most of who are based in Mumbai, India. The discussion started after one of the ladies posted a picture of Hiroshima after her recent visit to Japan. She mentioned how she felt very uncomfortable in the place realizing the grim history of its destruction with the atomic bomb. She had posted a before and after picture of the city. Other members echoed similar sentiments after visiting the Holocaust Museum etc. I wrote about my experiences at Dachau Concentration Camp in Germany and the visit to Anne Frank House in Amsterdam.

What I slowly learned is the cultivation of a compassionate detachment within oneself if we must have the courage to see the world and life as it is. Things like this Hiroshima or Nagasaki or some of the Nazi concentration camps like Dachau in Germany cannot be seen without mentally preparing yourself.

Only when we see both devastation and recovery pictures with a steady mind can we get a full understanding of life. Just one minus the other is inadequate. That same discomfort haunts to see Anne Frank House in Amsterdam.

Even where I live, history has some dark chapters when the Native American tribes were murdered by white men during their early entry into the area during the Gold Rush. Those people were never given justice.

A friend shared: “ I have seen the Holocaust Museum in the US and came out feeling nauseous. It’s incredible how much ability to hurt and  hatred humans have within them for other humans who they dont see even as living beings, forget as humans.”

This is the dark side of OUR race. We cannot be in denial about it. We feel nausea because we have not learned to see it with a reasonable detachment. When we start to recognize it in everyday life we see the traits in every person around us. Micro aggressions, restricting freedom of loved ones in subtle or not so subtle ways, expressing disapproval of others’ way of life. When this escalates beyond control it turns into overt hatred and urge to take the life of ones you hate. 

That DU professor who was killed by the tenants from Kolkata… that’s the same mentality of the bigger events like the Holocaust. The rape and murder of the medical student in West Bengal. These are all the same mentalities. We go about our lives without recognizing even the micro aggressions in our own minds. We are in denial about human tendency. And because of that denial and ignorance, each of us is potentially vulnerable to those tendencies.

Someone tried to intervene:” Okay girls, let's cheer up by seeing this video 

Kyoto, Japan”

Even the talk on this topic bogs us down. How can we ever manage to look at it in the eye?

One friend wrote:” I avoid watching, visiting such disturbing places nowadays. We are old enough to know and understand what has happened but as I age, I prefer to see only rosy pictures and positive things that will improve my feelings.”

Nothing wrong about it. But closing our eyes does not change reality. We should at least be self aware that we are refusing to acknowledge reality.

We are seeing the same atrocities currently happening on different scales around the globe. Ukraine, Iran, Gaza. Even here in the USA. History is repeating itself. Because the race can’t eradicate its dark side.

The bad apples have no insight to change, the good ones have no courage to change, and the wise ones know nothing can be changed.

I visited Anne Frank Haus last year with my daughter on a mother daughter trip. I learned a lot at a personal level from her story. The grimmest history like hers is always the biggest teacher.

I tell myself and my children, when you start complaining about anything, and I mean anything, think about people like Anne Frank! Think about the horrors they experienced. You will be ashamed to complain ever again.

In that story are characters who did everything in their capacity, even at the risk of their own lives, to hide and protect Anne’s family.

And then those who betrayed. 

You can choose to be in one or the other camps : the protectors or the betrayers.

And then the lesson at the heart of the matter, cause for the Holocaust: Hatred ! 

One human hating another human and brainwashing others into hatred!

Reverse can be equally effective. Learn to love people even those who think and look different from you. And brainwash them to love others. Alas the passion to teach love is not as burning as the passion to teach and learn hatred!

It was a very sobering discussion that had made me think of so many things within a short time. 

The one important issue that was brought up during this conversation was about perpetuating truths and change in human behaviors. To think about it, people changing their outlooks and behaviors for good is nothing short of being called a miracle. The determination to change or the effort to change is an act of immense and incomparable courage.

Ordinary human tendency is to spend an entire lifetime with more or less the same set of values, beliefs, outlooks, aspirations, preferences, prejudices and behaviors from start to end. I encounter great resistance in my profession from patients who are tobacco or alcohol users. Many have the insight that it is a harmful habit. Yet, their mind resists the suggestion of breaking the habit. 

Other people may not have such highly recognizable habits that call for change. Yet they tend to carry personality traits that remain harmful in other ways. Laziness that precludes them from physical fitness. Anger issues that can cause aggression , violence and disruption in relationships. Anxiety that can affect mental health and social adjustments. Addiction to work that can create distance from family members. Compulsive spending which can ruin financial stability. Insecurity which can lead to antisocial tendencies. 

Just in the recent weeks I had encounters with two young people that had made me pause and think. The first one was a man in his late twenties, married, working at Walmart. His physical complaints were fatigue and erectile dysfunction of recent onset. I was seeing him on a follow up visit to go over the blood tests that another provider has ordered. All labs were unremarkable and insufficient to to explain his symptoms. It is a known fact that the commonest cause for erectile dysfunction in otherwise healthy men is psychological! I therefore suggested for him to seek counseling with behavioral therapist and if that doesn’t help in 1-2 months then consider a trial of medication. He remained quiet when I made the recommendation. The next day I received an email requesting that I share my side of the story to address a complaint he had filed against me. The essence of his complaint was that he has a $100 copay for a visit and it was a waste of his time to come see me. I had not given him any information that he didn’t already know! 

I could see where his thinking was coming from. I felt like I had failed in my communication skills. I had failed in estimating if he was ready to understand my approach to his problem. Perhaps, in his case, just prescribing a medication for erectile dysfunction without bothering to explore the underlying cause for it would have been a better option. If not anything, the medication would have served a placebo effect to pacify him and make him believe that “ something” was done to help. I taught myself through the incident that I should remain more careful in watching the expressions and checking more to see which patient is appropriate for the approach to find the root of the problem and which one calls for simply treating the symptoms and keeping happy. 

Just a week later, I was seeing a 18 year old girl for ongoing vaginal itching and intermittent discharge for a few months. She was treated repeatedly with various antibiotics since February. I had seen her in May for recurrence of her symptoms. At that time we mutually agreed to repeat the vaginal culture test before giving any treatment. She had now come to follow up on that test. Essentially the test was completely normal. There was no evidence of any infection in her vagina. 

Now I was again in that tricky territory where I had to be cautious suggesting to the patient that her symptoms do not correlate with any physical condition. I opened up exactly like that, with more caution than I had with the young man I described above. I told her that vaginal discharge is not always a sign of infection. There can be a normal discharge. Secondly, itching can be a symptom of anxiety. Does she feel she has anxiety? 

Much to my relief she immediately acknowledged that it has been a tough year in highschool. She had just finished her finals and was now anxious about the upcoming graduation. My suggestion to seek counseling for the underlying anxiety and other psychological issues landed just fine with her. She found it appropriate and necessary. She was relieved that the labs were normal and had no trouble accepting that she did not need medication for the discharge or itching. She was totally in favor of seeking help for her anxiety. 

Was it because I had handled the conversation with more caution? Or was it because her mental make up was more open and accepting than the young man? Or perhaps both factors counted? It is difficult to be sure if I contributed to her decision to seek counseling and it is equally difficult to be sure if I could have in any way convinced the other guy to see the value in counseling. 

Both had a different perception of their respective underlying problems and also differing expectations for the solution to those problems. One interaction had gone smoother than the other, even though my intention to help both of them was the same. 

The major obstacle in the case of the young man was his preconceived idea that medication was the best and only option to treat his erectile dysfunction. I proved incapable of removing that idea gently from his mind. How many of us go through our lives frustrated without realizing that the frustration is coming from the blockade in our own mind? It’s preconceived notions and expectations from other people, inability to have open conversations and unwillingness to accept other ideas and alternatives brings us that sense of disappointment? 

I saw yet another man earlier this week. This one was 76 years old and had similar issue of fatigue for 3-4 months. His labs also could not explain his fatigue. I suggested him to change the pattern of his current activity from severe exertion once a week to moderate exercise twice a week. For over 30 minutes he kept arguing with me about everything and showed no inclination to accept my suggestions. I had to move on to the next patient waiting for me. So finally I told him politely but firmly that I would need to conclude his visit at that point. I acknowledged that I had made an earnest attempt to find a plan of action to address his fatigue but I have not succeeded in convincing him to take my suggestions. I am not the brightest star in the medical field, I never claim to be the most intelligent and knowledgeable. It is possible that another physician may have other ideas and may be able to crack the case of his fatigue. It would be quite reasonable if he considered seeing another doctor for second opinion.

A reader would have to believe me when I say that the calmness which I felt in that moment to admit my failure to please the patient and simultaneously acknowledge the limitations in my knowledge and intelligence is relatively new to my personality. This trait wasn’t in me when I started my career. Not even there halfway through my career. I was very rigid about thinking. Take it or leave it kind of attitude, lot of pride in myself and unpreparedness to allow for the possibility that my assessment could be wrong. There was no room in my thinking to allow the other person to be right. 

Today if my thinking process has made some noticeable changes it is the grace of the universal Guru.🙏🏼 The change is nothing short of a miracle. Because I have been witness to how stubborn my mind was and how far it has come from the start point. 

The greatest advantage of that journey from the lowest point in thinking to where I find myself now is that I am able to understand people who have closed minds like the two gentlemen I talked about earlier. 

The four word phrase: “ I Was Once There!“ is loaded. It is the summary of my life’s journey. It reveals my humble beginnings. It reveals triumph. It holds the secret to what faith and hope and the desire to see personal emancipation can do. It facilitates me to understand those that appear difficult to understand or to help. It reminds me why no one else can help them. Paradoxically, in that reminder lies the secret of why I know that even if I may not have the ability to bring about a change in each one of them, locked inside each of them is the possibility to bring about a change that will bring them so much fulfillment, happiness, peace and freedom. Knowing this with certainty prevents me from losing optimism in the face of the most tough situations. 

There is so much hatred in the world right now. Idiotic ideas of sameness and diversity are excuses for hatred instead of love. White against non-white, Christians Vs Non Christians, Muslims Vs Non Muslims, Hindus Vs Non Hindus, straight vs gays, immigrants vs non immigrants, local language speaking communities vs foreign language speaking people, Brahmins vs Marathas, millionaires vs middle class! In this fashion every single sub-sect of humanity becomes a cause for hatred for another that falls under “other”. Communication is impossible where there is hatred. And where communication is improbable, division and violence are inevitable. The extreme strife that this situation is inflicting on human beings will itself become the transformative force one day like it became for me. 

Change does not happen overnight. It takes time. If every person attends to changing himself or herself for better, nothing more needs to be done for others. Slowing down in the damage we do to others, knowingly or unknowingly, is itself a charitable act. That itself is a service to the universe. 

Today Elon Musk can’t understand those that depend on state programs for food or shelter. It’s a disadvantage, really a pathetic situation for him more than for anyone else. He has never been in their shoes to understand why aid is not unreasonable. One who “ was once there” can help more than Elon Musk can. Elon Musk can’t help. Despite all the wealth he can accumulate. What a sorry situation it is to be in! What’s even worse, is that a man who is so intelligent in many aspects is so ignorant in other critical aspects. He can’t see the futility of his wealth! He can’t tap into the emptiness of his heart. 

It is better to be in the dumps one day and rise, and fall again and rise, than never know either the dumps or the fall. It is better to have the wisdom of the universe than a genius level intellect. It is better to meet the consciousness within oneself than own all the wealth of the world. Consciousness can help everyone it comes in contact with. Wealth can sometimes not even help the rich man when he is dying. 

In one of those lucky moments it literally dawned upon me a few times when waking after a good night’s sleep that the “me” that was springing back into existence upon waking was actually carrying a burden of everything it had achieved in life so far. Big and small achievements. Even the doership of the meal it cooked the day before. As if the weight of those thoughts wasn’t enough, the “me” also carried the burden of all the belongings it was clinging to. 

Immediately what came to mind was the story of Visoba Khechar! This man at one point in time was a trouble maker for Dnyaneshwar and his siblings. He took great pleasure to harass them in every way he could. Dnyaneshwar gave him the nickname of Khechar. Khechar in Marathi means a mule or donkey. I had never understood the term with better clarity before; not until I recognized how much idiotic thought load of doership and ownership my own mind was carrying, like a donkey. By the grace of Dnyaneshwar, Visoba had transformed and achieved self realization. Visoba went on to become the Guru of Sant Namdev. Perhaps no one was more qualified than Visoba to teach the power of change to an ignorant man because he could rightly say “ I was once there!”

Being a donkey in a past life is not disgraceful. It’s an advantage. It’s a matter of triumph when that was your past but not your present. The turning point is when you recognize you are a donkey! Most people never realize it! More so the people who have privileged lives. They never realize it. The wealthy have no incentive to recognize their poverty! 

I was once there! 

I was once a donkey! 

Wow! 

Is there a better phrase to describe achievement?