Justju Jiski Thi

 Justju Jiski Thi

Umrao Jaan is a well known film made in 1981 based on the life of a courtesan from Lucknow in the nineteenth century. The main character is played by the Indian actress Rekha who received the National Award for her portrayal. Several songs from this movie became highly popular and garnered great praise for Asha Bhonsle( singer) and Khayyam( music director). 

The storyline is rather melancholic and narrates the life of this lovely woman, who is a gifted poetess, much sought after for her beauty and youth, but deprived of a protected childhood and a loving family. She proves unlucky in her love life as well as a second chance to reunite with her mother. Loneliness defines her entire journey. The essence of this journey is beautifully captured in the lyrics of this particular song written by Shahryr for the movie. 

When I analyze the lines of this song independently, from a spiritual standpoint, it reveals a unique meaning. 

Justju jiski thi usko toh na paya humne…

In the movie, Umrao Jaan desired for the Nawab, her love interest. But he married another woman to please his family.

One whom I desired, I did not get, Umrao laments.

Umrao is just one of millions of people on this planet who nurture desires in their hearts. The desires can be of any kind. Desire for love, or time with a certain person or position, kids, home, education, wealth, status, power, fame or any other thing. In fact the Hindu philosophy states that a person takes a new birth to fulfil desires that remained in the heart at the time of death in a previous lifetime.

This desire becomes the vector for the new life. 

For some, the desire(s) gets fulfilled and for others, no matter what they do and how hard they try, the object of their desire proves elusive and unattainable. Umrao fits into the latter category. 

But she has a philosophical outlook to her experience. Yes, I did not get the one I was yearning for, she admits. But…

Is bahane se magar dekh li duniya humne!

Under the pretext of searching for the one I so desperately wanted, I got a glimpse of the entire world. 

Rather than allow this failure (to find what she sought) to cause despair and have a sense of worthlessness, she carries a positivity. Not sure if cynicism is suggested by the original poet or character, but I choose to look at it without any cynical element. Partly because that’s how I came to look at life myself. The things that meant so much at a younger age ( such as quality time with parents, or permanent life in India) may not have become a reality. Yet the heartbreak that came from the squashed dreams taught lessons that no college course could have taught. 

People with artistic inclinations tend to put forward their ideas in as abstract ways as possible, leaving much for the audience to understand by themselves and solve the puzzle. I tend to do it exactly the opposite way. My observations and thoughts are blunt and matter of factly, leaving not much room for imagination. This is how I see it, this is how I feel about what I experienced, you may have a different take. I totally understand another mind may not see, think, or feel exactly like I do. But that’s why there is an independence for every individual. 

Independence! 

Incidentally, independence, in unfathomable ways, and of rare degrees, is what I became privileged to gain and enjoy at the cost of losing many things I once upon a time desired. From my perspective, it is not exaggerating to say that a universe that I was, in utter desperation, trying to hold on to, and in the aftermath of whose collapse, experienced complete devastation, the same individual in me lived to see the resurrection of life like a phoenix, gaining an even bigger universe, much stronger wings to fly and lo and behold, no personal desires to fulfill. The unimaginable independence spanned every aspect of human existence: physical, intellectual, emotional, financial, spiritual. 

Becoming desire-less was the key! Staying desire-less is the key to being free at every moment.

जुस्तजू जिसकी थी उस को तो न पाया हमने
इस बहाने से मगर देख ली दुनिया हमने

“In a bid to pursue a strong desire and see it crushed, I saw the whole world! “

These lines speak loudly a truth that can’t be fully put into words.

The “world”, that these lines refer to, is what is impossible to describe in words. In that word lies the entire experience of a lifetime, the revelations of human psyche and behavior, the slow process of maturity of the human mind, the reality(or absence thereof) of the physical world, the ever intriguing mystery of the spiritual dimension, the understanding of the ultimate convergence of seemingly divergent fields and so much more. 

And at the end of that journey, having “seen the world”, asking oneself, “ who is this I who saw the world?”

तुझको रुसवा न किया खुद भी पशेमाँ न हुये
इश्क़ की रस्म को इस तरह निभाया हमने
जुस्तजू जिसकी थी

The rest of the song is also worth pondering.

Tujhko ruswa na kiya 

Khud bhi pashema na huye 

Evolution of a human being lies in being kind and respectful to other beings. 

Despite her hard life, Umrao tells the individual who broke her heart, I navigated life in such a manner that you would not be disgraced nor my actions bring shame on myself. Thus I fulfilled the traditions of love gracefully.

Ishq ki rasm ko is tarah nibhaya humne 

This is not always easy. It is a test of human goodness to not let bad experiences or circumstances make you deviate from good behaviors. Things don’t always go the way you want them to. And when they are going the wrong way it becomes easy to lose your own bearings. Talk rudely, mock someone, humiliate them, tell on their shortcomings and mistakes, retaliate against them, all in a bid to prove one’s superiority…..such behaviors reflect lower levels of human nature. 

Yet there is a fine print here that is often missed. When these behaviors are elicited to show one’s superiority over another, that’s when they are wrongful behaviors in the real sense. It is the intention that matters. Occasionally, even for a highly evolved person who sees everyone as equal to themselves, such behaviors may become necessary to display in order to take corrective action against someone who may not understand it in a better language. But such instances are rare for such evolved individuals. For the most part, they remain naturally respectful and courteous. They show grace to others and themselves. Underlying this is universal love and brotherhood.

Kab mili thi kahan bichchadi thi hamein yaad nahi 

Zindagi tujhko toh bas khwab mein dekha humne

कब मिली थी कहाँ बिछड़ी थी हमें याद नहीं
ज़िंदगी तुझको तो बस खाब में देखा हमने
जुस्तजू जिसकी थी

The next stanza is addressed by Umrao to her own life. I can’t recall when we met or where we lost touch with each other, she tells her life. I feel like I have only seen you in my dreams, she adds.

Her life, particularly, was marked by exceptionally hard circumstances. Being abducted from home as a teenager, sold to a brothel, falling in love with a highly placed man, only to be deserted for another woman due to social pressures, later meeting her lost family and being denied uniting with them because of her trade, which was not out of her own choice or power… These circumstances explain why she must feel alienated from her own life. Everything she aspired for never was within her reach. Happiness was always illusory for her. Small segments where she experienced love or hope may have felt like she was living her life, only to be pulled back from those brief respites. 

Not all people may have lives so sad as hers. Yet lots of lives are filled with immense suffering and disappointment. They may probably identify with Umrao’s sentiments about seeing their own lives as unrecognizable, unaligned with their expectations or unreal. For a whole lot of people life seems to just slip away from their hands leaving a vaccum in the end. Each one tries in their own way to fill that vaccum or just stare at it blankly. 

Aye Ada aur sunaye bhi toh kya haal apna 

Umr ka lamba safar tay kiya tanha humne

ऐ अदा और सुनाये भी तो क्या हाल अपना
उम्र का लम्बा सफ़र तय किया तनहा हमने 

जुस्तजू जिसकी थी

Finally she talks to herself. Aye Ada! 

Her full name ( as given by the brothel owner) was Umrao Jaan Ada. Oh Ada, she tells herself. What do I tell you about how I am doing? I have made the entire life’s journey in loneliness. 

As mentioned above a few times, Umrao’s life was extraordinarily riddled with isolation from loved ones. Yet, even for those who are fortunate to have a caring family and circle of good friends, the truth is that, each one is a lone traveler. Each is born alone and dies alone. We meet co-travelers during our journey. We hold on to them tightly and it is hard to say goodbyes. But each one must bid farewell at some point. That’s when we realize that each is/was a lone traveler. We may have temporarily forgotten this truth. But truth is truth, whether you remain forgetful of it or not. 

Here’s the interesting part. Those who experienced eye opening periods of loneliness earlier in their lives adapt to it much better than those facing loneliness in the last period of life. Disillusionment is better early in life, so you can see the world with a new pair of eyes and adapt to it in a positive way. When disillusionment occurs with not much time at hand, one hardly manages to rise above it. Mind is too feeble at that point to overcome the despair. 

I can read the sadness in Umrao Jaan’s eyes as she says “ I have made the entire life’s journey in loneliness” or “ I feel like I have seen life and living only in my dreams”. 

This sadness is something a human ego( individuality) can experience. It can even feel hurt by this sadness. I can relate with Umrao in this feeling. 

Yet, I also know that, if Umrao were to release identification with this “little me” within herself and enquire further, it would make all the difference to leave behind the sadness. 

जुस्तजू जिसकी थी उस को तो न पाया हमने
इस बहाने से मगर देख ली दुनिया हमने

Coming back to these opening lines, if Umrao were to reflect on the entire journey and draw a synopsis of what “duniya”(world) truly means to her, she could be in a better position to pause and ask questions.

Most people with miserable lives as Umrao’s are found asking” why is this happening to me?” or “ what did I do wrong?” or “ what was my fault?”

These questions have no answers. And even if they did, they are irrelevant. The suffering is real and immediate. The answers to those questions do not take away the suffering. 

A better question to ask is :

“Who is this I who saw the world in its harsh realities or who is the one experiencing this life?”

In that answer lies the secret to everything. 

The secret to unalloyed happiness and love. 

The secret to one’s own role in the universe.

The secret to reality of the world itself.

Seeing the world is a good conclusion to one’s physical existence. 

Seeing the Self is a good beginning for living in the spiritual realm.