Raha Gardishon Mein Hardum

 

 Rahaa Gardishon Mein Hardum 

This morning before work I decided to go for a walk outside the hotel I’ll be put up in for the next 3 days. It was 6:30 am. The sun had been up for more than 30 minutes but its heat still not evident. The sky was highly overcast and it was a welcome sight. There was hope that at least intermittently the ball of fire would be restrained behind the curtains.

My mind was contemplating on spiritual presence. Thoughts were quietly identifying the patterns of their own conditioning. The preferences, aversions, attitudes, sensitive topics, takes on certain matters, weaknesses, strengths, ways of dealing with certain situations, changing stands over a period of time and many such personal traits that constitute the personality. And this composite of all traits was in direct view of the observing eye within.There was a great deal of neutrality in the observation and a newfound clear understanding and conviction that there is “noone “, no real “person” who exists to claim ownership of that persona. The traits that bundled up to constitute that specific persona although distinctly identifiable, they remained an inseparable part of their surroundings which included the road, cars, trees, railroad, sky, ravens, sparrows, buildings, mountains etc. And when this whole scenery came into consideration as “creation”, even the observing “eye” became part of this “whole”. All separation was evident as a fabricated concept. Its like any local resident of the town being asked what constitutes the town and he enumerates all these things and realizes he too is to be included in the list to make it complete. 

There was a direct realization in that moment that the “inner eye” has been relentlessly and thickly obscured by a big cloud that includes a fictitious person and the persona that today was being observed, as if in broad daylight, as an object. Until now it had been posing and identified as a subject and the light behind it was dubious. Funnily the internal metaphor of this cloud coincidentally was matched externally by the clouds in the sky. The sun was not directly visible but its rays pierced through the cloud curtains and descended over the eastern hills.

In that moment memory of a very old song came to mind and its meaning came alive in an entirely new context, not surprisingly, in continuity with what had been running through my mind.

Rahaa gardishon mein har dum

Mere ishq ka sitara

Kabhi dagmagayi kashti

Kabhi kho gaya kinara

The star of my love forever remained engulfed in misfortune and quagmires, says the protagonist. 

Sometimes the boat was shaky(in rough waters),

Sometimes the shore was lost from sight.

Koi dil ke khel dekhe 

Ya mohabbaton ki baazi 

Woh kadam kadam pe jeetay 

Mein kadam kadam pe hara 

An onlooker may see cruel games being played with my heart, 

Or love being made into a sport.

A sport in which the other player won at every step and I kept losing at every turn. 

Yeh hamari badnasibi 

Jo nahi toh aur kya hai

Ke usi ke ho gaye hum

Jo na ho saka hamara 

What is it if not my misfortune that I gave away myself to one who could never be mine? 

Paday jab gamo ke chhalay 

Rahe mitke mitnay wale

Jissay maut ne na puccha 

Usay zindagi ne mara 

When sorrows inflicted blistering pain, there was no chance for me to survive. 

Death didn’t spare a second thought(as I was dying this painful death), and life itself proved to be a killer.  

Rahaa gardishon mein har dum

Mere ishq ka sitara

The star of my love forever remained overshadowed by misfortune.

These lyrics are penned by Shakeel Badayuni for the movie Do Badan. The song rises to a very high pitch, poignantly conveying the intense pain of the protagonist. It very elegantly rendered by the highly gifted singer, the late Mohd Rafi. The movie’s plot is about two star crossed lovers who are repeatedly separated by misunderstandings and mishaps, in addition to troubles created by conniving characters. They are united only in death. 

My thoughts glided over the words of this song in an entirely philosophical context. The romance was envisioned between the true self( pure eternal unconditioned consciousness) and the lower conditioned self/ego; the narrative that about the courtship of a devotee with the deity. A love story between a seeker and his spiritual goal(the state of enlightenment). It’s a painful and long journey, often marred by red herrings, delusions and other obstacles. The ego( despite its best intentions) doesn’t realize that it is itself the barrier that stands in the way of meeting its beloved spiritual self. The irony of its life is that until it dies ( surrenders its false existence), it cannot merge with its true self. At any given moment only one of the twosome can win. As long as the ego keeps asserting itself, as long as it wants to survive and define its separate identity, the pure consciousness remains silent, watching the show and its own temporary defeat. If the ego accepts defeat and non existence, only the pure self remains, with no second person anymore to be loved. 

Thus as long as we continue our life in duality, no matter how deep we profess love for God, we cannot unite with God. To meet God, we must cease to exist. Not physically, but through deep understanding and realization that all lifelong what we believed to be our separate identity, that identity never existed. It was entirely a mental construct. There was only one whole being, whether in its essential sense( Nirgun nirakar) or manifest( sagun sakar) form. The false identity of my lower self has been largely covering up the light of this Wholeness except for a few glimpses of the rays reflecting occasionally through the filters. 

The tools at hand are vastly inadequate to express the experience. Only an attempt to describe is possible.