The Disconnect: Part 3

The Disconnect!

Part 3:

In the realm of Turiya or pure consciousness there is no one to say “Me” and no one to be identified as “You”. There are no objects, no people, no perspectives, no concepts, no memories. All these entities fall outside the realm of consciousness. 

But of course all these entities have a place in the usual waking state. There is me, you, our individual journeys, memories, experiences, our disagreements, our changing dynamics with each other. 

I want to reflect here on how my pursuit of the realm of consciousness has affected my existence in the waking state. 

My medical career after completing my education was devoted under the roof of a single big organization for nearly three decades before I retired from full time work. I continue to work in a part time capacity with the same organization. The organization, my colleagues, my staff, my patients and my own internal struggles and introspection has shaped me in this time. I am most certainly not the same person who started the job nearly 30 years back. 

In these years I met thousands of patients, half a dozen directors , probably as many chiefs of department, a few dozen colleagues and equal number of staff. The equation with each wasn’t the same. Some were easy, some were actually difficult. I had rigid views of right and wrong. It was really difficult for me to surrender my views to others who could not approve my ways. All I wanted was to let me be me. You do what you want to do and get what you want from someone else if we don’t agree but I’m not going to bend backwards to please you. 

It wasn’t always a smooth sailing. Patients loved me and patients hated me. Ironically it was always for the same reason. My way of telling the truth as I saw it. Patients stayed with me for decades for that, and patients abandoned me within one or two visits because of that. 

There would be patient surveys that kept coming regularly. Some with high praises and word of mouth referrals for their friends and relatives. Some with serious criticism and even harsh dressing down. In the critical comments there were some objective references to our interaction, while some were clearly a reflection of racism, patriarchy, misogyny, sexism, and individual disgruntlement on their part. I took them in my stride and kept going. Not one day or one year but for 28 years in the same environment. 

I kept the focus on diligence, practicing evidence based medicine and working with the best interests in the patient’s health. While their compliments, praises and love certainly made me feel good, and their rudeness, ungrateful nature and harsh criticisms made me feel bad…I did not let either of the two sway my focus on doing what I thought was right. I wasn’t there to please anyone. Not even my bosses or colleagues. I was there to work and saw my responsibility as doing the work right to the best of my ability. 

When I retired from being an active partner I didn’t have hard feelings for any patients. I did hold a few grudges however towards a couple of bosses and colleagues who in my opinion had crossed the line to be hostile towards me. 

But my retirement was the best thing that happened to me. It has allowed me time to process the long journey and review the entire screenplay in retrospect with a different perspective than I had as I was living it in the present moment. That same live action drama is now a personal memory. 

The sincere exploration of consciousness or Turiya has afforded a rare opportunity to displace the person from the past that was identified as “me” living those experiences at the time. 

The filmy buff trait in me reminds me here of those lines mouthed by the young and handsome Rajesh Khanna in the movie Anand.

Chhoti baatein

Chhoti chhoti baton ki hain yadein badi

Bhule nahi beeti huyi ek chhoti ghadi

Every smallest detail rolls before me like a photographed film if I sit to recall. Patient faces, our discussions, their health outcomes, some heated partner meetings, times when I was on the edge of quitting the job, times when I was sure the leadership needs a change, times when I seriously felt at a loss about how I could do better than what I was doing on every front, times when I thought I’m not going to survive the pressures, times of internal physiological changes, personal family losses, changing demographics at home…..everything is there on the table to take a relaxed, balanced and neutral view. 

And out of all this what keeps coming up more in the mind than others is things that didn’t go well. They don’t hurt, they don’t bother, they don’t strike a grievance towards the other person. They just stand up and the mind feels a rather strange sense of learning session through the replay. 

And I identify why this is happening. 

Because when it plays in the mind now, both the people in that scene of disagreement are the same entity. The friction could have softened if who I thought was me at the time had taken a slightly different stand. It is the friction that got imprinted into the memory that is making the buzzer ring more than the memory of things that went smoothly. 

I think I know this much that it is worthless lingering in the past. It is not really an attachment to the good or bad that happened in the past. It is simply a chance to do things differently while moving forward. The buzzer is helping to identify areas where there is room to improve. What went smoothly needs no further review for obvious reasons. 

“What could have been done differently” is transcribing now in present moments in my interactions with people moving forward. I continue seeing patients even though fewer days than before. I still get fair share of those that don’t agree with my views, opinions and suggestions to solve their problems. I still don’t believe that I should compromise my integrity to keep everyone happy. And yet I’m doing better each day in making “agree to disagree” situations proceed with less friction and less repercussions. That is most certainly because deep inside there is an awareness that the other person is also me. There may be disagreement inevitable and apparent on the surface but there is also a love and respect embedded within. It is what is within that makes the outer differences not rip us apart. It is also what is within that strangely whispers that what is different on the outside doesn’t need to change and start looking identical to each other. It is beautiful the way it is. Admire each other. 

All the insanity in the past was because the inside was left out from the outside interactions. Now that it is looped in, it is so much more fun being part of diverse conversations. Even the silence between conversations is enjoyable and desirable. Neither is there loneliness when I’m alone nor in the company of people who think differently.