The Disconnect: Part 3

The Disconnect!

Part 3:

In the realm of Turiya or pure consciousness there is no one to say “Me” and no one to be identified as “You”. There are no objects, no people, no perspectives, no concepts, no memories. All these entities fall outside the realm of consciousness. 

But of course all these entities have a place in the usual waking state. There is me, you, our individual journeys, memories, experiences, our disagreements, our changing dynamics with each other. 

I want to reflect here on how my pursuit of the realm of consciousness has affected my existence in the waking state. 

My medical career after completing my education was devoted under the roof of a single big organization for nearly three decades before I retired from full time work. I continue to work in a part time capacity with the same organization. The organization, my colleagues, my staff, my patients and my own internal struggles and introspection has shaped me in this time. I am most certainly not the same person who started the job nearly 30 years back. 

In these years I met thousands of patients, half a dozen directors , probably as many chiefs of department, a few dozen colleagues and equal number of staff. The equation with each wasn’t the same. Some were easy, some were actually difficult. I had rigid views of right and wrong. It was really difficult for me to surrender my views to others who could not approve of my ways. All I wanted was to let me be me. You do what you want to do and get what you want from someone else if we don’t agree but I’m not going to bend backwards to please you. 

It wasn’t always a smooth sailing. Patients loved me and patients hated me. Ironically it was always for the same reason: for my way of telling the truth as I saw it. Patients stayed with me for decades for that, and patients abandoned me within one or two visits because of that. 

There would be patient surveys that kept coming regularly. Some with high praises and word of mouth referrals for their friends and relatives. Some with serious criticism and even harsh dressing down. In the critical comments there were some objective references to our interaction, while some were clearly a reflection of racism, patriarchy, misogyny, sexism, and individual disgruntlement on their part. I took them in my stride and kept going. Not one day or one year but for 28 years in the same environment. 

I kept the focus on diligence, practicing evidence based medicine and working with the best interests in the patient’s health. While their compliments, praises and love certainly made me feel good, and their rudeness, ungrateful nature and harsh criticisms made me feel bad…I did not let either of the two sway my focus on doing what I thought was right. I wasn’t there to please anyone. Not even my bosses or colleagues. I was there to work and saw my responsibility as doing the work right to the best of my ability. 

When I retired from being an active partner I didn’t have hard feelings for any patients. I did hold a few grudges however towards a couple of bosses and colleagues who in my opinion had crossed the line to be hostile towards me. 

But even those grudges are getting erased. My views are changing towards people.

My retirement was the best thing that happened to me. It has allowed me time to process the long journey and review the entire screenplay in retrospect with a different perspective than I had as I was living it in the present moment. That same live action drama is now a personal memory. 

The sincere exploration of consciousness or Turiya has afforded a rare opportunity to displace the person from the past that was identified as “me” living those experiences at the time. 

The filmy buff trait in me reminds me here of those lines mouthed by the young and handsome Rajesh Khanna in the movie Anand.

Chhoti baatein

Chhoti chhoti baton ki hain yadein badi

Bhule nahi beeti huyi ek chhoti ghadi

The smallest detail rolls before me like a photographed film if I sit to recall. Patient faces, our discussions, their health outcomes, some heated partner meetings, times when I was on the edge of quitting the job, times when I was sure the leadership needs a change, times when I seriously felt at a loss about how I could do better than what I was doing on every front, times when I thought I’m not going to survive the pressures, times of internal physiological changes, personal family losses, changing demographics at home…..everything is there like an album on the table to take a relaxed, balanced and neutral view. 

And out of all this what keeps coming up more in the mind than others is things that didn’t go well. They don’t hurt, they don’t bother, they don’t strike a grievance towards the other person. They just stand up and the mind feels a rather strange sense of being in a learning session through the replay. 

And I can identify why this is happening. 

Because when it plays in the mind now, both the people in that scene of disagreement are the same entity. In retrospect it makes me wonder if in my ignorance I was too hard on the other person? If I was who I am today for sure I wouldn’t be as tough as I was at the time. The friction could have softened if who I thought was me at the time had taken a slightly different stand. It is the friction that got imprinted into the memory that is making the buzzer ring more than the memory of all things that went smoothly. 

I think I know this much that it is worthless lingering in the past. It is not really an attachment to the good or bad that happened in the past. It is simply a chance to do things differently while moving forward. The buzzer is helping to identify areas where there is room to improve. It is reminding that it is never too late to change. What went smoothly needs no further review for obvious reasons. 

“What could have been done differently” is transcribing now in present moments in my interactions with people moving forward. I continue seeing patients even though on fewer days than before. I still get fair share of those that don’t agree with my views, opinions and suggestions to solve their problems. Even now I don’t believe that I should compromise my integrity to keep everyone happy. It is not my duty to keep everyone happy. And yet I’m doing better each day in making “agree to disagree” situations proceed with less friction, less repercussions, less chance for bitterness. That is most certainly because deep inside there is an awareness that the other person is also me. There may be disagreement that is inevitable and apparent on the surface but there is also a love and respect embedded within that makes an appearance through body language and some spoken and unspoken words. It is what is within that makes the outer differences not rip us apart. It is also what is within that strangely whispers that what is different on the outside between two people doesn’t need to change and start looking identical to each other. It is beautiful the way it is. Admire each other. 

All the insanity in the past was because the inside was left out from the outside interactions. In fact every passing moment seems to be erasing insanity. Now that the inside is looped in, it is so much more fun being part of diverse conversations. Even the silence between conversations is enjoyable and desirable. Neither is there loneliness when I’m alone nor in the company of people who think differently. 

I am likely obsessed with Muktabai, but so what?

एकापासून अनेक झाले

त्यासी पाहिजे सांभाळावे

The Many have come from The One.

All need to be taken care of.

I am beginning to get the actual experience of the first half of this sentence like never before. The second half of this sentence is unraveling its deeper meaning gradually each day. 

Taking care of everyone is recognized as being a moral obligation. But it calls for clarity in the mind. 

Taking care is to be understood as the obligation to hear their voice, their feelings, their perspectives. Recognize their rights. Give them the same essential status as anyone else who exists in the sense of recognizing their presence, showing them respect even if they are homeless or jailed. Try to get them access to essential services like food. 

 But taking care cannot be confused with obligation to keep them happy. Meeting their every demand and expectation cannot become a moral obligation. It is not even possible to achieve. The only person who can make them happy is themselves. The only way to meet their demands is if those demands and expectations fall within the scope of fairness. And fairness includes the efforts they put in and results their efforts yield. For example my employer hires me and another guy as cleaners. I am assigned one office to clean, the guy is given the same size office to clean. We have to clean it each day for 5 days a week. But he is hired for $15 per hour and assured 2 hours of pay per day. I am hired for $10 per hour and 2 hours per day. I have a right to demand $15 per hour. Employer agrees to my demand. We both start our jobs. In 3 months I have worked 2 hours each of the 5 days per week, not missed a single day. My office looks immaculate each day. My coworker has missed 10 days of work in the 3 months. On the days he shows up he is done cleaning the office within half hour. For the first month he gets the full promised wages. In the second month the employer pays him only for the actual hours he worked. My coworker launches a protest demanding “ equal pay “. Is the employer wrong to decline the demand? Does he have a moral obligation to give in to demand of the same pay to him as I am taking home? Is it prejudice that the employer is showing by paying me more? Are me and my coworker entitled to take home the same amount after our performance in 3 months?

The employer has an obligation to keep a respectful tone when having a conversation with the protesting employee but he is not obligated to give in to the demands. Even if the talks fail, the disgruntled employee goes on a smearing campaign, the employer is obligated to maintain a respectful tone when he speaks. The employer has the obligation to keep his doors open for a dialogue if the employee wants to return to the table. But the work cannot be stalled by an indefinite holdout. The employer has the freedom to hire another person to do the job for fair wages and fair terms.

Entitlement is often confused as rights.  When this begins to happen, one cannot take care of everyone. One can be respectful but one cannot be a sponsor. 

It is never easy to see so many people without jobs, without homes, without food, education or access to health care. But not everyone out of them is in that position despite making every effort from their end to rise above the situation. Several are in that situation because they don’t want to make the required effort. 

People who don’t want to see the less privileged suffer try to create jobs for them, try to give them skills training, give them a reprieve from cost of education, donate food, clothes and medicine when appropriate. But the efforts are mandated from the people who are being helped. 

The same Muktabai who said all must be taken care of, added 

अवघी साधन हातवटी

मोले मिळत नाही हाटी

Means and skills to make a living are never sold in a market. They are to be earned. Through old fashioned methods by working hard and honestly. 

So the most compassionate and generous hearted person like Muktabai also knew that the onus of getting anything in life other than love and respect lies on oneself and one’s efforts. They are not universal rights. Good hearted people go out of their way to share the returns of their own hard work with the less fortunate. But the people at the receiving end soon forget that what they got was not necessarily what they deserved. They begin to snatch it when the good hold back the giving. 

Nobody is evil in the core. Goodness is replaced by evil when efforts are dispensed with. When freebies are expected in life and denied, the wrath of the demons makes its appearance. 

When more and more demons begin to join the ranks there comes a point when even the Gods are called to reveal wrath. 

My dear aunt in Vile Parle who I had the good fortune to spend some time with as a teenager would tell me anecdotes from her life in those days. She had attended school only till fourth grade, came from a rather humble family from a town near Pandharpur and was married to my father’s maternal cousin who lived with his elder brother and the brother’s wife in Mumbai. Their family business of a grocery store was doing well and therefore their financial situation was much better than my aunt’s parents. One can imagine how she was viewed in the home of her husband. Weak and dependent. The wrath of her older brother-in-law found her to be an easy target. One day during one such fits of rage as he lunged to raise his hand on her she responded with a very firm voice. “ Think before you touch me. For two slaps from you I may return at least one. It will be your choice whether to accept the humiliation from me.” The powerful man was stopped in his place with her voice of conviction. He kept seething with anger and frustration and painted her to be a villain for as long as he lived. But she lived in the same house completely sure of herself and never treating her in-laws poorly. Had she not shown her wrath at the right time and in the right measure she would become a victim. The uneducated, unemployed young woman refused to be a victim and refused to be a demon like the people around her. So yes, she taught me that Gods too must show their wrath and refuse to become victims. But they must also know who they are and not join the ranks of the demonic ones. 

Sometimes real life wisdom comes from the weakest members of society. And the powerful may not like it but they are compelled to hear. Because it is the of the voice of conviction. This voice must never be silenced by the ones who have it within them. 

The young generation today must know the importance of working hard, expecting fair pay, have a clear understanding of fairness, must know where wrath is appropriate and where it is inappropriate, must know that the elders can be wrong and will need to be corrected from time to time, and yet they must be respected after you point out to them where they are wrong. The minute you subscribe to a behavior that is disrespectful you will be on the wrong side of history. Being polite and respectful is not to be confused with being weak. And being disrespectful is not to be confused with being strong and superior. It is a sign of weakness and immaturity. 

The last line here I would like to clarify from Muktabai is this:

अहो रागे यावे कोठे 

आपण अवघे निघोटे 

Where is there room for anger to arrive?

We are perfect.

Don’t let this line fool you. You are perfect only at the level of your pure consciousness. At the level of Turiya.

At the level of the waking state, as an embodied person, you are not perfect. You will never be perfect. Nobody is perfect. Nobody can be perfect. 

What Muktabai was trying to convey to the disgruntled Dnyaneshwar at that point was, find that pure consciousness within you. In that conscious realm anger has no place. Try to reach that state of perfection for yourself. Anger will be a measure to gauge how closer you are to that state of perfection. In your embodied state the anger has to be examined if it is appropriate or not. Appropriate anger has the capacity to mute the powerful. Inappropriate anger tries to mute the weak. Inappropriate anger comes from the unwise who don’t examine themselves before they unleash their anger. Kids who revolt against parents and instil physical, emotional, verbal abuse on them or on their elders think they are unleashing appropriate anger at the powerful. How wrong they are. They have not had enough insight to know themselves or their elders. They see their peers use a language of disrespect and they begin to think that is cool. No it is not cool. They don’t always need to learn wisdom from their elders. But at least pause to examine yourself and find out what is the source of your wisdom? Do you qualify as wise? Do your role models qualify as wise? 

Without looking within yourself how far will life take you before harm befalls you and those around you? 

When a saintly person like Muktabai says:

अहो रागे यावे कोठे 

आपण अवघे निघोटे 

she is directing you to investigate the anger. Investigate the qualification of the person reacting with the anger. Investigate the qualifications of the person against who you are using the anger. 

Young folks, are you equipped with the ability to investigate these things?

Today after nearly eight centuries Muktabai’s words have survived in literature. Are the words of your role models going to survive that long? 

Wisdom survives. Reactionary thinking and speech never does. Learn to follow the wise. Not the momentary heroes. Learn to recognize the two voices within you. One the voice of the mind. One the voice of eternal consciousness. I am telling you this from personal experience. I have been trying to separate both these voices for a long time. They still fool me from time to time. But I am learning. Learning every day. One of those voices spells trouble. One of them has kept me out of trouble. I want you to stay out of trouble and see a good life like I did. I want you be Swans who can differentiate milk from water. Not follow ducklings around you drinking from sewage water.