Birthday Reflections:Part 3

 Birthday Reflections 

Part 3:

Terms of Endearment 

I mentioned in the earlier post how I was raised to not feel any more special than my siblings. Each of us were treated with the same rules, other than discipline was a bit too strict for the first born. The only day one was made to feel special was on the birthday. Even on that day it could be for just a few hours. If it showed that it’s going to your head there would be no hesitation to bring you back to the ground. We were kids then and the disciplinarians were parents. They too were young adults. Well meaning adults who had no personal vendetta against us.

Time went by. We flew out of our nests to get higher education and later to build our own nests. In those days there were no cell phones for personal use. There were no individual land lines at our hostels. There was no communication with family on a daily basis. Regular communication was still characterized by irregularity. Birthday was one day when we could be assured that we would either meet or hear from the parents. And from close friends and family. Those were days when birthday cards were thoughtfully mailed much in advance to arrive on time for the special day. 

Then came the cellphones. Apps like facebook, Instagram and WhatsApp followed suit. The birthday cards slowly began to phase out except in certain cases like at workplace or birthday parties or milestone birthdays. Even close family and long term friends transitioned to sending birthday wishes through WhatsApp or Facebook. Even if we were out of touch all year long, our birthdays were the days we could count on to connect with each other. Those who were within phone connectivity just picked the phone and called to speak and catch up. 

Birthday was otherwise awkward for me to become a center of attention. Just the renewal of connection and conversation with friends and family was what I looked forward to on this day. There were birthdays in the past and even this year that I didn’t get a call from my parents or some dear family and friends. They plain forgot or got confused by the time difference. But as soon as they remembered, they picked the phone and called or sent a message. Even if they took a few days I knew that call would come eventually. I knew they must just have got busy and will kick themselves for forgetting. The relationship did not stand on the formality of remembering birthdays. It stood upon love more than anything else. And that’s why it never bothered me if anyone within the close circle forgot. It didn’t ruffle my feathers or create hard feelings then. It still doesn’t.

Now here’s the difference I want anyone reading this to understand. I am not ruffled by the fact that someone within close family or friends forgets to connect on my birthday. But I am astute enough to know when that absence or silence is not likely from simple forgetfulness. 

And even that doesn’t get to me personally in the sense that I would hold a grudge against them for it or try to retaliate when their birthday comes. My equation with them will remain unchanged. I don’t treat relationships as business transactions. You cant disown parents, brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles. Even good friends in my books are brothers and sisters. So disowning them is not in my understanding. In fact I don’t see how one can disown anyone because we never own anyone in the first place, other than through our hearts. We may break each other’s hearts from time to time but miraculously the heart doesn’t die when it breaks!! It continues to beat with the same rhythm and sing the same song if we try to listen carefully.

And that really is the crux of the matter I want to discuss today. Not because I’m disturbed but because I have a few insights into this issue.

I saw on social media yesterday a post by a student leader who shared that her father, an army officer, has not spoken to her in 10 years because she joined a leftist group. He sees them as anti nationals. He chose to break ties with his daughter because his ideology doesn’t match hers.

Let us understand this from a third party perspective. He belongs to what is recognized as the right wing and she finds herself aligned with the left wing. Both want different things for the same country. The argument is over the country. In some sense it is fair enough. Each one sees that the other is doing wrong to the country. So each one is defending their cause in their own way. They are opposing each other and fighting over it. Quite fair and square in my view. But what does that have to do with love and civility for each other? Why can’t you say I love you my dear daughter even though I do not agree with the choices you are making? Why can’t you express that love, at least to wish her on her birthday as an occasion to show that you love her, and then, if you choose, don’t speak for rest of the 364 days to drive home the point that you oppose her ideology? 

If Ram was on the battlefield with Ravan and it happened to be Ravan’s birthday, before the day’s first arrows were exchanged Ram would have summoned Hanuman and told him, hey buddy quickly fly over and deliver these flowers and wish Ravan a happy birthday on my behalf before we both resume our warfare! 

We need to understand the fundamental difference between Ram and Ravan. Ram knew both heart and brain and didn’t mix either of it. Ravan was all of us. A good man in many ways, a faulted man in many ways. And confused about heart and brain. Ram lived at the level of his heart, and the brain, though had its own distinct identity, it was under the direct orders of the heart. For Ravan, brain was where he lived all the time and brain was the ordering center. Heart was mostly silenced. 

When each of us become adults we are sure to have independent thinking. We must recognize this individual right to our thinking. Democracy is a truly beautiful concept. More about it another time. Allow each person to express themselves fearlessly. Counter them with your side of thought with conviction. You have a right to your conviction but you don’t have a right to say that they don’t have the same right and to treat them poorly for exercising their right. Recognize another adult. Disagree like an adult. But don’t compromise love in the process. There is no need to.

When your ideology is able to sacrifice love, it is a sign that you never reached your core. Never found it. Love is the fundamental core of our existence. Thinking came later. Thinking is very important. But it takes a second place to love. 

I can understand the ideology of that student leader. I can understand the ideology of her army man father too. I do not align with either of them although I too hold love for the country. Our ways of expressing our love and concern for the country are different. And there are always options on the table for all of us to come and close those gaps in the larger interest of the country we share. If only we don’t belittle each other. And don’t cut out communication with each other. 

For those of you who chose to not wish me on my birthday because my thoughts were perceived as antagonistic to yours, I just want to say this. In your books I probably earned some labels like stupid, anti-national, traitor, secular, over smart, idiot, immature, ill informed, delusional. Mind that loves to segregate loves labels. I will not label you. Because I don’t want to segregate you. You will always remain dear to me.

Communication just like before will always remain open from my side. Yet I will not apologize for my thoughts or views on life or living. 

My love for everything and everyone does not come in the way of my own freedom and your and everyone’s freedom. We fight on the debate forum, battlefield and at the polling booths. Outside of it I uphold civil behavior. I don’t know about you. Your silence and choice to ignore me did not disappoint, upset or sadden me. It just got me thinking about where the issue lies. 

The disconnect is coming from where each of us identifies our own core. We can only understand each other when we reach the same core that exists within all, and not remain stuck in another place. 

To stand in our essential common core, our outside views do not need to be compromised or change. We should just know that we and the views are not one and the same thing.

Be assured I will send greetings on your birthdays as long as I live.

Love and regards.

Yours truly.