Insecurity: Part 2

Insecurity: The Root Cause for Fear and Fight! 

Part 2

Personal journey reflections:

My father’s home town was Murud Janjira in the Raigad district of Maharashtra. As a kid, I remember the visits to my uncle’s house in that dainty coastal town. Behind the family home were rows of  coconut and betel nut trees. Almost every home in the lane had these plantations. They were referred to as wadi. Naralachi, suparichi wadi( pleural wadya). Adjoining the wadi in our ancestral home was a water well. Our visits were more often in the summer when school was closed. To beat the heat one of the activities at the place was to go swimming in the well. 

I as a kid had no idea how deep the well was. My child imagination led me to believe it was deeper than 100 times my height at the time. Which means if I went to the bottom, there was no chance my hands could be seen beating above the water asking for help. The danger of drowning was real and immediate. In that intimidating context, my father would get us ready by tying a pair of dry coconuts held together by a rope to our backs. This floating device was the equivalent of modern day floating pads or noodles used to train kids taking swimming lessons in pools. The bottom of the pool is visible to eyes from the top. The bottom of the well was never visible. 

Once the floating apparatus was secured to our backs we would be asked to jump into the well. That moment, when I recall now, stands alive in my mind even today. Fright is not even an adequate term to express what was in the mind at that moment. The partially algae covered dark green waters bounded by the stone walls of the well and the acute awareness that I am not adept at staying afloat by any means and about to land right into the water is a visual memory that is playing out as if it’s a scene from the movie I just watched in the theater a few minutes back. I would glance back once at my father who kept imploring me to jump, and then I would jump without looking back again. It was the trust in dad that made it possible to ignore the fright and just go. Once in the water the hands and legs would be flopping violently in a bid to keep afloat. There were more than a few times when I got to see the interiors of that water and lose sight of the sky and people above. The panic in those moments is beyond words to describe. Yet even in those moments there was the thought in the back of the mind that dad is out there and watching. He knows to swim and he will get me out. 

For most of my journey starting with the late teens or early twenties, dad was replaced by the mother in heaven, a relationship forged through a difficult time. The challenging moments that followed from that point may have looked different on the outside from the situation at the well in Murud. But the essence was the same. It was all about fear of the unknown and lack of previous experience when navigating the dark waters.

Next for me was going through the uncertainty of making it into medical school, and then getting through the medical school. Everything looks hazy from that period now. 

Seems like the light returned once my daughter was born and soon, the son too. I had a good relationship with my mother-in-law who came all the way from India to help me after both the deliveries. The only issue that put me at odds with her was when she tried to interfere with my parenting.

Although it seems like a trivial matter now, for a young mother in me at the time, the fear of raising misbehaved kids because their grandmother spoiled them was a real nightmarish ordeal. I knew what my responsibility was but I felt like it was being taken out of my hands by force by someone who was in a position of greater power than me. The guilt of resisting the unhealthy intrusion of my MIL who was otherwise truly dear to me, and the simultaneous responsibility of a mother that I took very seriously was beginning to erode my confidence and make me fear for the worse outcomes for the children. If I did anything wrong during that phase I am willing to suffer for the transgression. The fact that the kids grew up to be grounded people is enough reward for that trying period where there were moments when I was totally confused about what is right and what is wrong. All that mattered was the kids and their upbringing. My own wellbeing did not matter to me. 

This phase collided with the busiest phase of my career. The residency years and early years at the job. I was running like a chicken without a head most of the time. Kids, work, home, kids, work, home . That was the circular sprint I was doing constantly. 

Residency was tough in terms of work hours but patients were easier to interact with. They hardly had demands from their doctors. Just showed a lot of gratitude and respect for us. That was the county patient population. Poor, needy, human. 

Suddenly the demographics of the patients changed when I started the job. They were employed, paid premiums for their healthcare and expected a return on every dime. Which is fair. Except, in the process of those demands, gratitude and respect for the doctor was often forgotten. As hard as I kept trying to do the right thing for every single patient, they were hard to please. It was like endless pursuit of water in a mirage. Every single patient complaint that came I took it seriously. The doctor was dismissive, doctor was rude, doctor was focused on lab numbers, doctor had bad bedside manners. The list went on and on. Till the last day of my job I kept trying to be a better doctor so there would be no complaints. That did not happen. I continued to work part time after retirement. Patient complaints did not stop coming. 

But something miraculous happened at retirement. I got a flurry of messages from hundreds of patients who had been with me for over 20-25 years! Messages of gratitude and appreciation. Messages saying they are sad that I am leaving. Messages expressing worries about finding another doctor they could trust. And these kind of communications continue to come even after retirement from patients I see during my part time work.

So most of the nearly three decades of my career I was focused only on the negative feedbacks and kicking myself for not being good enough. Until the other side of my performance got  highlighted! That too when the journey was at its tail end.

Neither of them had flowed in overnight. They existed side by side all this time. Not sure how it would have made a difference if I was aware of the positive impact my work was having on the many I served. Would it prove an impediment to do better or give me a little boost to keep going? I truly do not know. I see them both in equal light today and neither seems better or worse than the other.

But the fact is that despite all the insecurities and uncertainties,  I had kept going even when I wasn’t totally aware of the positives. One day at a time. It is rather nice today to look back and glance at the road that brought me where I am. There is a footprint of the heavenly mother I see on that path that no one else can see. A sure presence that assured me, go jump in the well even if you don’t see the bottom of that well. I will bring you back if I see you are drowning. 

There were hundreds of times when it felt like I was drowning. Yet every single time I came out and caught the air and put my feet back on the ground. 

It is rather interesting because now faith has turned into conviction. That I will be saved. No matter what. But it is more than that. 

Now I have the confidence to tell a fellow traveler that they are safe if they continue on what is their righteous path. Even if it is dark, keep walking. Keep holding that unseen hand. Because that is real. Neither the dark road you are treading on nor you as you know yourself are as real as that hand holding yours. One day you will know like I do.

Today the understanding of insecurity has changed from what it was until now. I am in a position to understand what makes people feel insecure. Why their insecurity is real for them at that given time. I know this from my own experiences. What makes a young child insecure. What makes a teenager and young adult insecure. What makes a young parent insecure. What makes a young professional insecure. What makes a person on brink of retirement insecure. What makes an aging person insecure. And how at each stage this insecurity makes them do what they do. 

Basically one person becomes the cause for insecurity of another. People huddle around those that give them a sense of security. Then this bigger group sees another big group as a cause for their own insecurity. This is how conflict breeds.

Can there be a permanent solution to conflict?

Theoretically, yes.

Practically, no.

For a permanent solution, insecurity must be cured. That is possible only one person at a time. 

Insecurity in a person can only be cured if that person can be assured that he is not vulnerable to destruction or death. 

That’s where the whole mystery of the universe lies. A mystery that is, mysteriously, not really a mystery because many sages( who in my opinion are really scientists of consciousness) have solved it and left behind their findings in writing. Despite that, it remains a mystery because of two main reasons. First reason being that, to verify the findings of one investigator, the next investigator must carry out the investigation on his own, and the only tools available for this study are the mind and means like contemplation, meditation and logical thinking. Conviction is the end point but conviction cannot be reproduced for another investigator like other discoveries in the universe. 

The second reason why this mystery remains unsolved for many is because they start on the premises of mistrust. Faith is lacking. Even in so called believers. So even if someone credible has written down their findings, if they are not believed, then they mean nothing. It remains fiction for many.

Coming back to exploring the root of insecurity. Survival! Mortality! 

What if you knew you are immortal? 

What if you knew that everything you are trying to protect is a mirage? 

Not believed. But knew. 

What would it do to your insecurities?

In the conviction of the truth that you are eternal consciousness, and not a belief, believer or body, lies the permanent cure to your insecurity. 

And in the final dissolution of insecurity lies the end of all conflict. 

A person who has reached that place of conviction about his own real identity is in a position for a dialogue without feeling threatened by someone with a challenging opinion. He is ready for a conversation rather than a heated argument. Conversely, for all others, conversations often lead to heated arguments because their own positions get threatened by the opponents. It boils down to the same thing, insecurity! Insecurity becomes cause for fear and fight.

It is not so much the opponent that makes them angry. It is the unspoken, often ill defined, poorly understood subconscious threat to their own beliefs, needs and survival that makes them fight. They cannot risk a civil conversation with the imagined or real opponent because of exactly this underlying insecurity of having to surrender everything they hold dear at heart. Whether it is tangibles or intangibles. 

Today all the major conflicts we see globally are unable to come to a meaningful solution because neither side is ready to give up their special interests. Peace is not the focus at all. Holding on to their specific interests is the focus. When peace is not the focus to begin with, how is anyone going to find a solution to conflict? It is funny isn’t it that there are peace talks without peace being the priority from both sides? Only when special interests become amenable to be surrendered and peace becomes the priority can peace talks progress. It is not at all rocket science. But we go to extra lengths creating rockets to bring peace! And we think we humans are an intelligent bunch. 

Peace is tied into security. Security calls for trust in one another. Trust is built on sacrifice. Sacrifice is the willingness to let go something for the other. And sacrifice comes where there is love. 

As long as the cycle continues in the reverse direction, that is when there is hate in the heart, there will be mistrust, where there is mistrust there will be selfishness, where there is selfishness there will be insecurity, and in such situations there is no way conflict can be replaced by peace. 

Maya Angelou’s words ring true in this context. “ Be wary when a naked man offers you his shirt”. 

An insecure person cannot offer security to another. 

Complete security lies in letting go everything. And knowing who you really are. Even beyond your own beliefs. If you can surrender your beliefs you can be a friend to someone. Otherwise all you can offer is a conditional friendship. That’s no friendship at all. You are better off being by yourself, alone and happy, than being offered conditional friendships. 

I have learned after the road so far that a person can be completely alone,yet secure, at peace, happy, fearless, friendly, unyielding, free, and content in the face of anything if he finds himself. The most formidable demons that really needed to be destroyed were inside. Outer demons are capable only of stealing things that are destructible to begin with. Those things would have been lost even without anyone taking them from you. Fight for them if you feel inclined. Or don’t fight if you don’t feel like it. But the most valuable thing you have found, you know, can’t ever be stolen by anyone. So what does it matter? Just guard that at all times and don’t get mixed up with what to hold onto in event of a crisis. You will do just fine my dear self! You and your heavenly mother are essentially made of the same stuff.