A Darling Hides Behind The Curtains

This was originally written and posted on another group on September 1st 2021.

I had something else on my mind today to write about but everything changed when I opened my work computer. 

Every morning I allow myself an hour to go over the messages, lab and radiology results , prescription refill requests etc before I start seeing patients. Today is no different. 

The first message awaiting me was titled “ Death Note”. The standard message reads “It is with deep regret to inform you that CR has passed away”. 

The message is standard and the feeling it brings is always of sadness. I take a pause, a moment ( or more) of silence , remember my interactions with the patient over the years , thank them and pray for their soul to rest in peace. 

Some patients are just so special that their going away feels like losing a close member of my family. In fact my family knows about them because I have talked about them multiple times over the years. 

CR was one of those really special women in my work life. She and her husband LR were one of the earliest patients I acquired into my panel over 20 years back. They were in their 70s at the time. 

They had 2 sons. One son was divorced and had 2 beautiful children who were practically being raised by the grandparents. Invariably at every visit I would get to hear about these grandkids, how smart they were at school, how they loved their grandpa and grandma, what they got for them on their birthdays, what college they went to, how they met their partners. Everything I heard from the proud grandparents.

LR was a really soft , kind hearted man who took great interest in his garden. Each time he had an appointment with me he would bring me home grown okra or tomatoes or something else. Several times he got me pecans from his tree. He would sit and shell them for me patiently before coming. There was a special gleam in his eyes and a rather mischievous smile on the face that I can never forget. It must be over 10 years now that he passed away. 

CR became very lonely after that. Her grandchildren would bring the smile to her face even in this loneliness. Each time she came to see me we would talk about LR. It comforted her to talk about him to me. Gradually over the years I could see her age. It seemed more rapid after LR’s passing away. She was becoming frail, began to need a walker and someone to accompany her to the appointments. She had survived breast cancer and due to that diagnosis Abhay was also her doctor. She adored him a lot but was one of the few who made no bones to make it clear to him that I was her favorite. Usually it was the other way round with most patients. He was the star and I was a sidekick.

Her aging and increasing debilitating condition led to the inevitable transition from the comfort of the home she had shared with her husband of six decades ( they were high school sweethearts) to a skilled nursing facility. She was a fiesty woman unlike her husband and would not hesitate to be critical of the caregivers at the long term facility she had moved into. I would get to hear about it in details whenever she came to see me. We laughed about it. One thing that remained unchanged in 22-24 years was the warm hug between us as soon as I entered the room and again as I was leaving the room. 

Last June she turned 90. It was a time when the pandemic was raging. I tried calling her on her birthday but couldn’t get through. This year I thought I would make up for that. I got the address of the facility from her son. After work I stopped by a florist to pick some flowers and a Hallmark shop to pick a cute birthday card, then drove to her elder care facility. When I reached the entrance there was a board that read the place was closed for visitors due to a resident testing positive for covid. I rang the bell, introduced myself to the attendant staff who answered the door. She said she would take the flowers and card to CR but I couldn’t go meet her. 

Later that day I tried again to call and wish CR for her birthday but she didn’t answer the phone.

It had been on my mind multiple times to call and talk to her , more recently this week. And today I see this message on my computer. I will never be able to hug her again or wish her a happy birthday. But how will she leave my heart ? 

To be posted:

A back pose. Six yards of linen with jari border.Green to represent all those years of joyous greenery brought by many such sweet souls like LR and CR.  The years are moving behind but the memories will move forward with me.