Some insights and lessons

 

The past week or so brought in many valuable lessons for me through day to day interactions. Trivial incidents that shed light on values to aspire for and behaviors to avoid.

I had picked a few small gifts thoughtfully before coming to India. These were meant for people who are close to me. The gifts were small things only meant as a token of love and appreciation. One such item was a bag of almonds seasoned with habanero chillies and honey. It was a new product on the shelf and I thought it may be a good snack for someone to have while having their drinks. I picked it for a dear cousin who is particularly fond of drinks. Last week when I met him in Mumbai I handed over the bag to him and said when you open the bag I would like to try a bit to see how it is because this is new to me as well. I also handed over a bag of pecans to give to another cousin who likes pecans. The following day I was out in the city to meet some friends. The second cousin happened to come pick his pecans while I was not home. When I returned in the evening I casually checked if the first cousin had opened his bag of almonds. I was taken aback when he bluntly told me that he gave away that bag along with the pecans to the other cousin. Why? I asked. He replied with a mocking tone “ almonds with honey?”!! I said did you read it also had spicy habanero in the seasoning? I had picked it specially with you in mind. He made a few other excuses after that, I can’t finish so much quantity etc etc. I said you could have at least tasted some before giving away part of it! 

Anyways. It was really no use discussing any more. But the way my mind is, it began to analyze the episode. The sentiment with which the item was brought and gifted was not recognized by the recipient. He could have stayed discrete about the fact that he gave it away but even there there was insensitivity. Like any sensitive person my mind was hurt in that instant. The mocking remark about “almonds with honey” implied that the item was given thoughtlessly. My intention and sentiment was questioned. Doubt was cast on me. It was a very unfair and demeaning assessment and rather rude response to a gesture of love. 

At the end of the day the other person’s response was entirely not in my control. How I respond to it was in my control. I could stay hurt. I could hold a grudge. I could retaliate with similar rudeness. I could inflict similar treatment to him in the future. 

None of these responses seemed right. 

I had to recognize that my position is different from his. With his behavior he had given me a memorable lesson on what never to do. A lesson to be mindful of the sentiments of people who give you a gift. To not judge them based on their gift. And if they give you an item that you wouldn’t use and choose to give it away, do it discreetly without trampling on their feelings. 

But the most important lesson I learned from this incident is to retain personal goodness even when the other person behaves otherwise. Don’t let bad behavior rub on you. Don’t just resist it rubbing on you. Proactively push your good intentions and sentiments even more assertively than before towards every one you interact with.

But not stupidly. Use discretion while practicing goodness.

Will cite a story to explain what I’m trying to say here.

There was monk sitting for prayer by the banks of a river. He saw a scorpion that had accidentally fallen into the water. Out of compassion he pulled it out of the water and prevented it from drowning. As soon as it came on his hand it stung the man. Reflexly he threw up his hand. The scorpion fell back into the river. Again he rescued it. Again it stung. Then fell. The man pulled it out. A bystander was watching this with amusement. Finally he said to the monk, you know it is a scorpion and it bites. Why are you bothering to save its life? The monk replied: it is the scorpion’s nature to sting. Similarly it is my nature to be kind. Both can’t help it. However, thank you for nudging me from doing the same mistake over and over again. I need to use more discernment. Next time I will use a leaf or twig to pull it out of the water instead of lifting it by hand!

This is the part of our growing up. 

In the past I used to help anyone who pleaded to me for monetary aid. They borrowed with a promise to return the money. But that promise was never kept. After half a dozen such instances I learned my lesson. I still get moved when someone asks me for money. But I offer to help them in other ways without directly giving money. Promoting their business personally, finding them clients or platforms, etc. 

Being good, being kind does not have to equate with being gullible and stupid.

It is also unnecessary to put labels on people who behave wrongly with you. They are at a different stage of evolution. One day they may surpass you. Let them be where they are. You worry about your own evolution from bad to good, good to better. Never subscribe to the deceptive thought that you are perfect. But know unmistakably what goodness exists in you and do not compromise it at any cost. 

In a recent post I had mentioned about a property dispute brewing in my maternal family. One member is at odds with the others. I was thinking of the possible outcomes of the negotiations. What if the bully ends up getting a chunk of the inheritance at the cost of other family members or by hurting them emotionally.  Should I cut off ties with this person after the settlement?

Then I recalled a similar scenario that played out on my husband’s side of the family almost eight years back. At that time I had the drive to push back, resist the bully and get a fair settlement. The aggressive member of the family did not take it kindly and hated my guts. Relations were strained like never before. Resentment and anger was palpable.

Yet, I made great efforts to normalize the relationship. It took time for each person to start mixing and talking to each other but it happened. Permanent estrangement did not occur. We moved forward with civility and holding each other’s hands through trials and triumphs.

It dawned on me that what happened eight years back had set a precedent. A precedent for fighting for justice and simultaneously valuing people, even those that oppose you. The dispute over property had failed to fracture the family. 

The take home lesson was even bigger. Each and every action is setting a precedent for a future situation. How I deal with loss or failure today will shape my reactions to setbacks in the future. How I spend my day today will shape my calendar for tomorrow. Positive changes do not happen in the tomorrow. They only happen in the present moment. Tomorrow benefits from today. Not the other way around. That’s why the choices I make today are crucial.

Another awakening happened mysteriously in the last 2-3 days. I had meeting up with a friend to go see a local fair/exhibition. There she introduced me to Mrs Sunanda tai Pawar of the well known Pawar family of politicians from Baramati. This family hosts the Bhimthadi jatra in Pune every December. As I was introduced to Sunanda tai she asked me how I find living in India and then she lamented how things have changed for worse in many ways. We talked about lack of cancer prevention initiatives in the general public as well as the influence of tobacco and energy drinks on young people. That evening when I got back home I reflected on the overall pessimistic outlook about the situation. 2 years back when I had come to India to start my sabbatical work for Preventive Medicine I had so much optimism, confidence and enthusiasm to bring about a change. And as time went by I could feel the reluctance, the resistance, the lethargy, the general indifference towards preventative measures. It slowly dampened my energy. I didn’t realize how and when my mind simply gave up hope for any meaningful change to happen.

Now unexpectedly I got a fresh glimpse into my attitude. So what if India is not showing readiness to accept the concept of Prevention? If you believe it is valuable for the people of India you needn’t slow down what you are doing. You give yourself to the cause you believe in. Whether someone benefits from what you do is entirely dependent on them. It is none of your business. 

Perhaps the biggest gift I have received from spiritual pursuits is the ability for such micro-cognition. To have clarity of what goes on in the mind! The slightest hurt. The discomfort. The dampening of energy. The reactions to treatment from others. The thoughts that follow these reactions. The awareness of the available choices to move forward. 

An interesting realization occurred today in this context. Who or what is navigating my path? Who is influencing the choices, the conscious responses? Who is making me navigate the hurdles in the path and keep me on track? Who is preventing me from pausing or turning back when faced with obstacles? That force has been gradually doing it so discreetly, without knocking on the doors and without any demand for credit. The  choices I make draw positive reactions from people. They earn me love, admiration, trust and respect. I become the face and recipient of all these valuable gifts and honors when the real actor is invisible. I must learn to act just as discretely like this invisible mentor in my head. How does he/she do it so quietly and consistently? I really wonder. But I am aware of the shifts in consciousness that are ongoing from moment to moment. I don’t know what is awaiting around the corner. Outwardly good or bad, the outcome is always good because there is a lesson in it. There is growth in it. There is a shift towards light, strength and determination. There remains no significant room for regrets. Mistakes yes, regrets no. It is all so mysterious how surrendering oneself to the universal force brings modulation of the attitude and perspective within. Even if the world around you is not willing to change and circumstances surrounding you cannot be changed, you still come to live in a better place. That force has lifted you out from turmoil and put you in an impenetrable plane of bliss. All perceptible motions going on in your own mind and elsewhere are outside of this plane. The mastermind who led you to this safe space is invisible but not unknown. You believe in this force, you come to know it. You don’t believe, then you can’t know it. Either way, the force has nothing to gain or lose. 

Saree is a shaded Kala cotton Bhujodi in hues of purple. Paired it with a handwoven cotton Pochampally blouse.