Seene mein jalan

As I shared in the last post, yesterday I had the good fortune to attend a concert at Symbiosis University in Pune. It was the 32nd year of their annual 3 days cultural festival. In their tradition each year top class performers are invited to this feast for the local community. Singers, musicians, film and theatre artists, standup comedians, writers and other talented people from across the country present their art on the lawns of the campus. Yesterday’s original performer was to be Uttara Kelkar, the renowned singer. Due to last minute health issues a hurried replacement was sought and another equally, if not more, talented and renowned singer graciously accepted the offer. Pandit Suresh Wadkar. The humility of a great artist is seen in such circumstances. It brings equal joy to the heart as does their talent for which they are famous. 

After the two opening devotional songs in yesterday’s program, Panditji switched to a ghazal from the film Gaman released in 1978.

This Hindi-Urdu ghazal is penned by the poet Shahryar. It effectively highlights the essence of the storyline which is about the loneliness and disillusionment of its protagonist who has left his family behind in a small town in Uttar Pradesh and come to the big city of Mumbai in search of work at the behest of a friend.

The reason the film touched a raw nerve with the audience and still continues to be considered as a masterpiece of parallel cinema is because, sadly, the feeling that is depicted through the eyes of the main character is a reality for many young people even in the present day. The nostalgia that the song stirs in sensitive minds largely owes its poignancy to the choice of words and language construct employed by the poet. 

The young man was obviously having a hard time making ends meet in his native village which is why he made the decision to come to Mumbai in search of better job opportunities. But despite financial struggles earlier, he had the comfort of his family in the hometown. That provided an antidote for loneliness. Suddenly that comfort is gone. 

If well paying job had come his way, may be the reality of being away from his wife and parents would not bite as much. But that didn’t happen. Financial challenges continued and comfort of family was taken away. Basically it was a situation of going out of the frying pan into the fire.

Naturally he begins to question himself, his choices and the situation. 

सीने में जलन, आँखों में तूफ़ान सा क्यों है

इस शहर में हर शख़्स परेशान सा क्यों है

seene mein jalan aankhon mein tufaan saa kyon hain ?

is shahar mein har shaks pareshaan saa kyon hain ?

Why do I see burning in the heart and a storm in every eye here? Why does every person in this city look troubled? 

Not only he feels upset about his own situation, he observes that this is a disease that is affecting so many people around him 

दिल है तो धड़कने का बहाना कोई ढूंढें

पत्थर की तरह बेहिस-ओ-बेजान सा क्यों है

dil hain to, dhadakane kaa bahaanaa koee dhoondhe

patthar kee tarah beheesa-o-bejaan saa kyon hain ?

When there is a heart, it tends to find some excuse to beat, a reason to live. Instead, why has it become so stoic and lifeless like a stone? 

Here the heart is not referred to simply as the solid organ that beats rhythmically but as the seat of joy. When a person full of life should be experiencing happiness why does he become stone cold and numb to feeling joys and sorrows?

Any human being who is alive needs a reason to live. But circumstances sometimes lead to losing faith that there will ever be a good reason. Nothing seems to invigorate him. All his zeal is lost. 

तनहाई की ये कौनसी मंज़िल है रफ़ीक़ो

ता-हद-ए-नज़र एक बयाबान सा क्यों है

tanahaee kee ye kaunasee, manzil hain rafeekon

taa-hadd-ye-najar ek bayaabaan saa kyon hain ?

What is this street of loneliness I’m on? Wherever my eyes turn, there is deserted land. Everything looks so desolated.

Loss of hope sinks the person into a state of depression and despair. It starts a vicious cycle of not wanting to be with friends, not wanting to do anything because nothing seems to bring cheer. Loneliness enters his life stealthily. Although he is the one who has gradually and unwittingly moved away from company of people, he perceives his surroundings as desolate. People feel he wants to be left alone and start keeping a distance.

क्या कोई नई बात नज़र आती है हम में

आईना हमें देख के हैरान सा क्यों है

kyaa koee nayee baat najar aatee hain hum me

aaeenaa humei dekh ke hairaan saa kyon hain ?

What’s the matter with me, where is my old self? Why is the mirror horrified when it looks at me?

These are existential questions that confront a wider range of people across the globe. People migrate from smaller places in search of a better life, better future, better opportunities. The dream of wonderland is often floated by someone known to the person, usually at an early age. It may be a family member or friend or acquaintance who brought back an image of prosperity in the distant land. A utopia of sorts. 

Once the carrot is dangled the problems and realities of the present day begin to hurt even more. A sense of urgency arises and prompts taking action for the big leap . Not everyone who takes that leap lands on a firm footing. Even those who initially make a relatively soft landing find themselves in a no man’s land at some point. 

Old debts, student loans, car loans, wedding expenses, home loans, immigration uncertainties and costs, child care, school fees, college tuitions, job stability, tax liabilities, insurance premiums, domestic disputes, divorce or separation, aging parents, personal and family health problems, deaths of loved ones, friends getting busy in their lives, kids flying out of the nest, your own aging and coming face to face with mortality. It is one bloody battle after another. 

कभी ख़ुद पे कभी हालात पे रोना आया
बात निकली तो हर इक बात पे रोना आया

In the midst of all this some people still try to seize joy whenever and from whatever sources possible. Parties, food, shopping, travels, entertainment, sports or hobbies, faith, friendships, and if nothing else then substance abuse being some common sources of forgetting problems . Sometimes these are enough to bide time. Other times they fall short. And then you deal with it by yourself.

कौन रोता है किसी और की ख़ातिर ऐ दोस्त
सब को अपनी ही किसी बात पे रोना आया

Man comes face to face with his own empty heart at some point or another. Even there, many times he manages to dodge the actual confrontation and keeps himself surrounded by makeshift comforts. And if he is lucky, even dies with this sugar coated deception. 

But if he is courageous enough to deny self deception, the sentiment that is staring through this ghazal is going to haunt him and he will look at it in the eyes. 

Why am I here?

What is the purpose of all this?

किस लिए जीते हैं हम किस के लिए जीते हैं
बारहा ऐसे सवालात पे रोना आया

Did I make the right move to leave my hometown and come so far away? 

The people that I left behind, what did they mean to me? Does my heart miss them?

हम तो समझे थे कि हम भूल गए हैं उन को
क्या हुआ आज ये किस बात पे रोना आया

At the end of all the trouble I took and the price I paid, did I get what I came here for?

Am I the same person I was when I started this journey? If not, am I a better person than I was? 

Would I do it again if I had the choice?

There was an additional verse (sher)in this  ghazal that was not sung in the film: 

हम ने तो कोई बात निकाली नहीं ग़म की, वो ज़ूद-पशेमाँ-पशेमाँ सा क्यूँ है

ham ne to koī baat nikālī nahīñ ġham kī 

vo zūd-pashemān pashemān sā kyuuñ hai 

I didn’t utter even a single word about being sad, yet why is this person within me so quick to express remorse or regret? In other words, I have pretended to be happy all through life. Now suddenly why am I hearing the grumbles of regret from within? 

The million dollar question that a large number of people don’t want to ask aloud, even within their mind, is: 

Am I a happier person than I was before I left home?

Is anything missing? 

Is my heart full or empty? 

Kaifi Azmi’s song penned for the Guru Dutt classic film Pyaasa is poignant with the lingering yet unspoken sentiment of regret at the fag end of life.

Dekhi zamaane ki yaari
bichhde sabhi baari baari

kya leke milen ab duniya se
aansu ke siva kuch paas nahi
ya phool hi phool the daaman mein
ya kaanton ki bhi aas nahi

matlab ki duniya hai saari
bichhde sabhi baari baari

vaqt hai meherbaan, aarzu hai javaan
fikr kal ki karen, itni fursat kahaan
daur ye chalta rahe
roop machalta rahe
rang uchhalta rahe
jaam badalta rahe

raat bhar mehmaan hain bahaaren yahaan
raat jab dhal gayi phir ye khushiyaan kahaan

badhne lagi beqaraari
bichhade sabhi baari baari

It is not simple regret. The emptiness, sadness, disillusionment, feeling of betrayal, loneliness, anxiety and fear are beautifully captured by Mr Azmi here. 

Bha Ra Tambe expresses similar concerns:

जो तो वंदन करी उगवत्या, जो तो पाठ फिरवि मावळत्या,

रीत जगाची ही रे सवित्या !स्वार्थपरायणपरा 

उपकाराची कुणा आठवण ?
‘शिते तोवरी भूते’ अशी म्हण; 
जगात भरले तोंडपूजेपण, 
धरी पाठिवर शरा !

What Azmi tried to elaborate in the full song, Shahryr conveys in the last verse with just two lines. I feel Shahryr is more accurate in the not so subtle suggestion that the man facing loneliness at the end of life is more likely, for various reasons, to try his best to not admit this sadness, than openly declare it the way Azmi voices it. 

Yet the inner deeper voice, in Marathi what we call खंत, आणि अधुरेपणा ( feeling bad and unfulfilled) can’t be drowned out by even the strongest denial.

हम ने तो कोई बात निकाली नहीं ग़म की, 

वो ज़ूद-पशेमाँ-पशेमाँ सा क्यूँ है

I have seen this malady affect even people who have not themselves left their hometowns but when their kids have migrated far away from home. The same question haunts those kids whose parents are left behind to live by themselves when their health is failing.

Marathi poet Ga Di Madgulkar has with precision described this feeling of an aging parent whose kids live away from home. ( This poignant song is recorded in the voice of Lata Mangeshkar.)

या चिमण्यांनो परत फिरा रे,

घराकडे अपुल्या जाहल्या

तिन्हीसांजा जाहल्या,

( Dear little ones, turn back to your home. Twilight has arrived.)

दहा दिशांनी येईल आता,

अंधाराला पूर

Darkness is expected to enter from ten directions and flood the atmosphere.

अशा अवेळी असू नका रे

आईपासुन दूर

At such an odd time don’t be away from your mother.

चुकचुक करिते पाल उगाच

चिंता मज लागल्या

My mind, for no good reason, thinks of the worse and makes me worry.

अवतीभवती असल्यावाचुन,

कोलाहल तुमचा

I miss the chaos of your presence around me.

उरक न होतो आम्हा आमुच्या

कधिही कामाचा

It is getting difficult to manage everything at hand.

या बाळांनो, या रे लौकर,

वाटा अंधारल्या

My dear children, come soon, it is getting dark quickly.

या चिमण्यांनो परत फिरा रे

My little ones, return home.

Why are we going to such depths analyzing the uncomfortable feelings of loss, loneliness, guilt and remorse that surround people towards the end of the long journey?

When the mind is trying to bury the discomfort of loneliness under a pile of denial why are we digging deep?

 Why are we probing the problem if it has no remedy or answers? 

Pulling off the shroud of denial is an option only for those who show some willingness to confront their truth. Take the example of a man who has been newly diagnosed with a malignant tumor in the brain. If nothing is done he is sure to die in less than a month and with a lot of suffering. If he chooses to undergo surgery, there is a chance the surgery may initially increase the pain but later improve his prognosis, give him a better quality of life or longer life or both. 

So fearing the unknown and refusing to acknowledge the lonely heart is like being in denial of your tumor. You are going to endure the pain anyway even if you hide it from the world. 

Instead if you gather the courage to admit the suffering and show it to the right authority who has a cure, you may have a chance at becoming pain free. In the context of cancer it is a well known fact that earlier you present in the course of the disease better is your chance of complete recovery. The same is incidentally true of human suffering. The earlier you identify the cause of your suffering the better chance of finding a solution. Even smarter is when you study the suffering of others and learn ahead of time about what could have prevented it.

For suffering arising from existential crises resulting from social isolation and spiritual emptiness, the one solid remedy is to find your real self. This is not the self you have lived through your life believing what and who you are. Neither is it the self that you at some point have started to avoid seeing in the mirror, figuratively and otherwise. The real self is the self that you deemed and dismissed as a myth when anyone talked about it. Yet the truth is that everything other than your real self was the myth and which is the reason why after a lifetime spent chasing  that myth you are feeling hollow. Especially when you are becoming aware that time is slipping away out of your hands. 

As vague and unreliable as it seems, that place of truth inside you is the only reliable and lasting antidote for your suffering. 

If you have become comfortable reveling in and petting your suffering or gained mastery in locking it up in the closet of denial or become a pro at avoiding it by constantly surrounding yourself with sensual pleasures, it’s your choice. You can continue playing the hide and seek with your emptiness and internal erosion. But the emptiness will be going nowhere. It will be hiding around the corner wherever you go. 

Many people are not even aware of how empty their hearts are because their mind is constantly feeding on pleasure and comfort from outside sources. Whether from their family, or work that they are engaged in. Until those very sources are taken away permanently without warning. When you can no longer access them for one reason or another.

Aapne Yaad Dilaaya To Mujhe Yaad Aaya
Ke Mere Dil Pe Pada Tha Koi Gham Ka Saaya

Then there are others that revel in those above mentioned pleasures( family or work or other things) part time only. At other times they connect with the sentiments in the song we are discussing. They are not aware that during these latter times it is the deeper sorrow or loneliness in their hearts that is trying to make a connection with the feelings expressed by the song. The sad sentiments paradoxically feel good to feel. But before they linger, the mind bounces back to happier things. 

Majority who find themselves in the middle of the vast ocean of life without any land or boat in sight, keep swimming in the top waters of the ocean because that appears easier even as they try hard to keep afloat. They drown anyways after being swallowed by a vortex and the ocean accepts their dead bodies. Very few dare to dive deep and find the treasures of the ocean. They explore the ocean and learn to accept it while they live. They have managed to swim away from the whirlpool of emotions expressed in Shahryr’s ghazal. 

The protagonist of Gaman is trapped in the emotions of this ghazal. 

Not everyone needs to be in his shoes. 

The questions asked in the song are valid. Most people nod superficially to acknowledge the questions. Very few seek and find satisfactory answers.