On occasion of the wedding anniversary

 Why do married couples argue?

This was a month/ week of celebrating our wedding anniversary. The auspicious occasion of Gudi Padwa was when we committed ourselves into a marriage Union. Arranged marriage has it own mysterious nature. It brings strangers together and gives them an opportunity to unravel themselves in front of the other and simultaneously to themselves. The chances that both individuals are mirror images of each other in terms of their personality, preferences, priorities, outlooks, abilities and energies is almost zero. 

I have been observing couples closely, including the two of us in our own marriage. Any given situation, we see it differently. 

Me :The home is due for painting after 28 years! 

Him:Nope, it looks good to me, nothing needs done!

Him: Don’t plan anything this weekend 

Me: I have invited this couple for dinner. They were going to be out for a few months. This was the only weekend we could meet.

Me: we have to leave home by 7 am tomorrow if we must reach in time to Los Angeles. 

Him: That’s too early for me. 

Him: Sit in the other room, it is cooler 

Me: Can we just turn the AC on?

Me: ( at a restaurant having dinner in another town where we will be staying for 2 days ) Will you eat chhole for lunch tomorrow if I take a parcel from here ?

Him: (An emphatic)  No, don’t take anything from here. I don’t want anything. 

( Next day lunch time, the chhole and rotis become a pleasant surprise when he is hungry and doesn’t know what to eat!)

The list is endless. I mean it when I say, practically any issue is disputed before an agreement is reached. 

I am reminded of an old song penned by the Marathi poet Suresh Bhat, music composed by Pt Hridaynath Mangeshkar and sung by Mr Arun Date.

सूर मागू तुला मी कसा ?
जीवना तू तसा मी असा
How can I ask you to play along with me when I sing, oh life? You are like that, and I am like this!

( we sing in different notes, we are so different from each other) 

तू मला मी तुला पाहिले
एकमेकांस न्याहाळिले
दुःख माझातुझा आरसा
जीवना तू तसा मी असा

You looked at me, I looked at you. Both took a good glance at each other. My suffering is your mirror. ( you can see yourself in my suffering)

We are so different from each other. I am like this and you are like that. 

एकदाही मनासारखा
तू न झालास माझा सखा
खेळलो खेळ झाला जसा
जीवना तू तसा मी असा

Not even a single time, you became the friend I wanted you to be.

Despite that, we played together in whichever way we could. 
My dear life, you are like that and I am like this. Each far different from the other.

सूर मागू तुला मी कसा ?
जीवना तू तसा मी असा

How can I ask you to sing along with me? Our notes do not match. You are like that and I am like this!

Why is it like that? 

It suddenly occurred to me that the fundamental problem lies in the fact that somewhere along the line we start viewing each other as competitors. Not partners. We become pitted against each other. And when competition arises, the tendency is to oppose the other party. We are competing for the right to make decisions. We are competing to be in the driver’s seat for the journey. 

And when the subconscious is adhering to this playbook, we stop listening. We begin to insist on being heard. Communication goes from being malnourished to diseased to debilitated to dead. And what is exchanged between the two is not words, but noise. Two vessels banging against each other and the home resounding with the clamoring of a twosome who are tired yet unwilling to let the other person win. 

For this clamoring to stop and conversation to begin, we must first recognize that we are viewing each other as competitors. And also realize that it doesn’t have to be that way. There is another way to relate and that is as equals. As friends.

Friends don’t argue because they relate to each other as equals. Married partners just forget with time that they are equals. Once they can see their folly, things can begin to repair. 

Arguments can change their core and instead become a give and take of ideas and learning from one another. A culture of growth can substitute the existing dysfunction characterized by disparage. 

Yes we played along in a way we could and still stuck together despite not seeing eye to eye on each matter. But the years ahead can draw a melody from us where our notes are in sync and we move on the dance floor with much grace in each step.