Precious Life

 Yesterday, March 11th.

It was the birthday of two beautiful women who I had the privilege to have as my friends. Both were born the same day in 1966. Yesterday marked 60 years to the day. One celebrated it with family and friends. In the other case, family and friends remembered her. Just a few days before her birthday, March 7th, marked 13 years of her passing. 

This morning my mind was thinking about the fact that she would have turned 60 yesterday. We both grew up as friends since the age when we were not even potty trained. There was never jealousy or competition between the two of us. Just pure love. Life wasn’t equitable for us. I got to see my kids take on wings and soar before my eyes. She couldn’t. I saw an opportunity to express myself through my work and writing after the kids flew out of the nest. She never got such a chance. 

I asked myself a question today? What was the use of the extra time that I got when compared to hers? Not the use of that time for my kids or others, but for me personally?

The answer was right there. 

I could use that time for exploration of my real nature. For the pure self that the scriptures talk about. 

In those thirteen years that she didn’t get, I was able to sit down with a magnifying lens and take a look at every detail of my being. I am not done yet, may not ever be. Nevertheless wherever I have arrived thus far in the search, it is fairly reassuring that it was worth the time. 

There are three main parts to the person in me. One that is the human part dictated by the human brain with its brand of thinking, feeling, seeing, reacting, influenced by its past experiences and its own dreams and desires as it navigates through present moments.

There is the unmistakable divine part that has been a very very big fortune to be able to dig deep and tap into, and come face to face with. 

And the third part is that part of the brain which I call “ देवाकारण मनोबुद्धी” or the mind and intellect that is devoted towards the divine. One that is turned inwards. It is the bridge between the human in me and the divine in me.

Besides these 3, there is another independent entity that is important to recognize. That is the Will. This Will has the flexibility to turn in either direction at any given time. 

Where have I arrived thus far in my observations of the world of which I am just one tiny speck?

I know with certainty by now that everything that I perceive as a human being, including my physical body, my ability to think and perceive gross and sublime things as well as the world of matter around me, is borrowing, its ability to exist and be perceived and enjoyed, from the divine center. In Marathi, these qualities or abilities of existence, perception and enjoyment are called अस्ती भाती प्रिय. All three belong to the divine part and not the part that we know as the world or creation. 

The world is comparable to the moon which borrows light from the sun to be seen. The divine center is like the sun which does not borrow existence, perception or joy from another source. It is the source of everything. Literally and undeniably. Nobody can prove this to be untrue. They can only prove it to be true or claim to not believe or claim to not know it. But they cannot prove it to be false. Truth cannot be proven to be false. And what is not true cannot be proven to be true. That’s where the world stands. You can believe it to be true but you cannot prove it to be true. Because it has no reality of its own. 

The human part of me is not dead. It exists in the context of how the world normally thinks. Yet it is at a unique stage now where, on one hand it functions like everything else in creation, and on the other hand it knows that it has no real existence of its own. Its entire ability to exist, perceive, understand and enjoy is dependent upon the divine presence. 

Experiencing, desiring and enjoying things from the visible universe has been a habit for this human for God alone knows how long. It is only recent that it has learned conclusively, unmistakably, undoubtedly, that everything it enjoys is not real. Everything it could desire for, is not real. 

Given this knowledge, it puts the Will in a unique position to use its flexible power. Should I continue in the direction of habit or should I exercise my choice in the direction of what I now know is real? 

Habit is a powerful force and cannot be underestimated. That’s the reason it is emphasized to form good habits when we are young. Most of my ongoing work with the magnifying lens is studying the habits of the human part of me while spontaneously discovering newer aspects of beauty of the divine part. The Will often sits on the fence when I observe it from time to time. Yet the fact remains that as long as it remains in the floodlight of awareness it is deterred from making stupid choices. I will admit here that the bridging intellect “ देवाकारण मनोबुद्धी” plays a big role here to keep a watchful eye on the Will. It is the friend who stops one from doing stupid things. Or the parent who simply gives that look from which you understand that you better behave yourself and not do what you were inclined to do when nobody was watching. 

So that’s where I am in present time. I am grateful for that extra time I was given to arrive at this place. In understanding the workings of my human mind I slowly understand the workings of the world. The choices people make are big lessons that cost them a lot but are free for me. The same applies to choices I make in my own life. I must be ready to pay for the lessons that come with it but others will be learning for free from whatever I do. That’s how the school of life works. Learning to live under your own magnifying lens in addition to the lens of the world on you, reveals a whole lot of mistakes that the world never knew about. But there is something liberating about seeing those mistakes for what they are with your own eyes. I can’t even begin to make a list of all the mistakes I have made in my life. And being fully aware of all existing flaws, I know that additional mistakes are inevitable. One can only hope that one’s mistakes do not cause inconvenience to someone else. 

At this point, from a human perspective, the most beautiful thing about living is learning. I find nothing more beautiful and satisfying than learning. It’s been close to three decades since I got done with formal education. Luckily despite my own stupidity my learning never ceased. If realizing the hollowness of enjoyment through previously experienced and accustomed sources, like food, drinks, clothing, beauty treatments, traveling, adventure, entertainment etc, tends to pose a challenge of how to fill in the void, learning becomes a handy, viable, palatable as well as engaging substitute. All the old sources of enjoyment still remain a challenge to entirely decline, and perhaps there is no need to decline what presents incidentally, in moderation and without any obsession or compulsion. Just withdrawing the thoughtless mental indulgence and dependence on these after knowing their unreal status is what is important. 

It has been a precious privilege to have this life and no matter how much more or less time remains to be spent within the physical and mental realm, I feel satisfied with where I have arrived at the moment. Taking leave of these realms is no longer going to be disturbing or bring a feeling of something was left undone. Bodily duties are all valid in the present moment. When the body reaches the end of its time, duties cease to be. Mental bondage to duties or actions are called desires. These automatically show tendency to cease, once the realization dawns that the world lacks its own reality. Mental bondages don’t need to wait to disappear until the moment the body falls. I guess that is the definition of a jeevanmukta. It is also, I now understand more clearly than ever before, what Muktabai was trying to say when she told Dnyaaneshwar मन मारूनी उन्मन करा ! 

Having said this, I would like to go back to what I described above as the three parts I can see within my person. The human part. “One that is the human part dictated by the human brain with its brand of thinking, feeling, seeing, reacting, influenced by its past experiences and its own dreams and desires as it navigates through present moments.” Out of this, only the “own dreams and desires” part, rather the compulsion surrounding them is removed. The part with “ the human brain with its brand of thinking, feeling, seeing, reacting, influenced by its past experiences” remains intact until the end or until affected by neurological conditions like stroke or dementia. It is sensitive to a lot of things like anyone else. It can be pacified with kindness and understanding sooner than most people but its initial reaction to provocative circumstances may not be avoidable. It is very much vulnerable to emotional pain and sorrows as well as ordinary joys. It just learns to bounce out of them quicker than most people. Again, Muktabai’s words to Dnyaaneshwar ring in my mind as I say this.

थोडे दुखावले मन पुढे उदंड साहाणे॥

चणे खावे लोखंडाचे ।मग ब्रह्मपदी नाचे II

मन मारुनी उन्मन करा ।ताटी उघडा ज्ञानेश्वरा ॥

The mind simply listens to the advice of saints and the divine within and learns to bear all inconveniences with understanding and without complaining. Unless the complaining serves to bring a change in people for good. 

Remembering my friend who was taken away too soon led me to reflect upon the value of the extra time I got. I would pray for her soul to find peace at all times, in whatever realm her next journey takes her. Wherever she goes she would bring joy to those around her. Her gurgling laughter will always resound in my mind. Of the thousands of precious things I remain grateful for in my life, her friendship remains one of them. Some things just cannot be given a value or even a name. They are just to be experienced. 

My other friend who is born on the same day, she is a living angel. I have probably mentioned her in an earlier post. If not, I will tell her story some other time. She is very special too.