Aaj Phir Jeene Ki Tamanna Hai

 Aaj phir jeene ki tamanna hai….

It is tax season. We had an upcoming meeting with our tax advisor. Amita( our daughter) was discussing about the fees our advisor would charge to do her taxes. She completed her training last summer and started her first full time job in September. Her taxes have gotten more complex than previously. Her dad was trying to tell her not to worry about advisor fees and just entrust him ( the tax man) with the filing. She had checked with her peers who told her that, in general, accounting professionals gave significant discounts to the family of their old clients. Abhay was getting increasingly impatient with her reservations and arguments. She in turn was having a hard time sticking to her guns regarding finding economical options for filing her taxes. The father daughter standoff was beginning to spill on to me. 

I reminded Abhay that when he was her age he figured out everything about life on his own, including taxes. Mostly by talking to peers, friends, colleagues. Our parents were back in India and were never in the picture directing us what to do after we were married. 

Suddenly the memory of one of our earliest vacations together flashed in my mind. It was Abhay’s month long vacation during his residency at Cook County Hospital in Chicago. I was in the second trimester of my first pregnancy. Sheela tai ( Abhay’s sister) who lived in San Diego had invited us to spend the vacation with her. She had planned to host a baby shower for us with all her close friends. Abhay was 31 and I was 26 at the time. We had all the energy in the world to engage in adventures. We planned a road trip from Chicago to San Diego and back. Each way the route would be different, taking us through multiple states, various cities, landmark monuments and national parks. What the memory represented in retrospect was the total sense of freedom that surrounded us in those days. Not just the open roads and blue sky above us during the entire trip as symbolism, but the carefree life with nobody to tell us what to do. 

I have written several times about a poem that has spontaneously come to me when I was young “ Bhaarat Samidha Satya Ahimsa Ek ase Asahaay”. Like this poem, there were a couple of other lines that had surfaced from deep inside at the time. One of them was:

“Swatantrya pari mam deha te

  Swarasya asahaay “

स्वातंत्र्य परी मम देहाते, स्वारस्य असहाय !

Meaning : (I insist on) freedom for my body and the right to enjoy, (whatever there is to enjoy), exercising my own choices and faculties, without help from anyone. 

All these years I applied this philosophy to myself alone. I was happy as long as I was allowed to navigate my life without any interference. I had to be my own boss. I wanted to be responsible for my own decisions. I could never hide my displeasure when anyone came in the way of my total freedom. Good or bad, it is upon anyone to judge. I know within me the good as well as disadvantages that came from living with such fierce independence. Nevertheless, it was what it was. That memory from August 1991 revived much more than just that road trip and the vacation. It was essentially the theme of my entire life since I came to the USA. It represented my spirit. 

Until yesterday it had not occurred to me to view that same personal philosophy as being universally applicable. 

स्वातंत्र्य परी मम देहाते, स्वारस्य असहाय! 

Every person who is born is the image of the pure consciousness. He or she is born free and endowed with the ability to experience life on their own. To think independently, enjoy independently, spread their own wings when they desired. 

It is rather complex to dissect the psychology of relationships within family and social structures and explain how this naturally beautiful and truly divine individual freedom that is full of bliss gets distorted within these systems and begins to cause misery instead of joy. Inherently at the root of the struggles between two individual's lies the natural desire to regain the rightful absolute individual freedom. More often than not, both parties remain non cognizant of the fact that one or both of them is trying to deny the other of their birth privilege. And what ensues is a power struggle. If they both can get the ability, to recognize this underlying folly that they are making, the struggle would end immediately. Alas, a whole lot of individuals don’t know what they really want for themselves and what they are doing to others. 

The argument I was called upon to mediate yesterday between father and daughter was essentially because, under the guise of affection, one individual was trying to steal the basic right of the other person, without realizing what was happening. I told Abhay to back off. Let Amita choose. It was her life. Her money. Her right to make decisions. Even if someone else, including her parents, thought they were not right decisions. As parents we can caution and give our reasons for why we see things differently. But to start getting frustrated and upset because the other person does not want to do as we want them to is really crossing the line. Live and let live. This line cannot ever be casually crossed. 

To my child I say, live your life just as free as I always fought hard to live. With the freedom, stay aware of the responsibilities it brings. Nobody can question your freedom as long as you don’t overstep your responsibilities. Honesty, integrity and trust are not to be compromised in the name of freedom. And don’t let your freedom make you myopic towards the freedom of every other person besides yourself. Dont be arrogant to think you are ‘ giving’ freedom to anyone. You can’t give what is rightfully theirs. You can only prevent yourself from becoming a barrier in the way of their freedom. Let this be clear in your head always. 

As I pondered over these issues yesterday I began to hum an old song I have known since my childhood. The scene with Waheeda Rahman excitedly flashing the pallu of her saree in the back of a truck while mouthing the lyrics of this song is etched into my memory. Guide, the movie that this song belongs to, was based on the original story by Pearl Buck. Incidentally it was released in the same year I was born. It tells about the journey of two individuals, Rosie( a talented dancer) and Raju ( a tour guide). Raju helps Rosie see a future beyond an abusive marriage. She sings this song as she breaks free from that marriage and experiences the first taste of freedom. With Raju’s support she rises to fame as a dancer. But the relationship suffers irreparable damage when she becomes the sole bread winner and Raju succumbs to possessiveness, jealousy and controlling her money and her life. She sees herself again in the old situation where her hard earned freedom is being threatened. She turns him in for forgery. Once out of jail, a series of events lead to his assuming the role of a spiritual person and eventually death from fasting and the resulting debility. 

In a world where men have historically had the upper hand, it is usually, though not always, the women that have to struggle for their rights and independence in day to day life. Guide’s storyline is in keeping with this narrative. As I think about Rosie, I can’t help but think of how lucky I was compared to her and many other women to be able to navigate my independence with success and without incurring tragedy as a price for that freedom. With no air of superiority I say this, that I feel the power, by whose grace this world exists, has been my guide and protector ever since I called upon that protection. I shall forever remain grateful for this. And do everything I possibly can to remind any woman who remains forgetful of her right to live freely. For that matter, enable every living creature, not just women, to live freely as long as they don’t pose a harm to other beings. 

The lyrics of the song penned by the gifted lyricist Shailendra are poignant with the emotions steeping in the experience of total freedom. More accurately, these are emotions one would expect to feel immediately upon breaking free from bondage. Composed by veteran music director S.D. Burman and sung by India’s crown jewel Lata Mangeshkar this song will always remain a classic. 

काँटों से खिंच के ये आँचल तोड़ के बंधन बांधी पायल
कोई ना रोको दिल की उड़ान को दिल वो चला
आज फिर जीने की तमन्ना है
आज फिर मरने का इरादा है

Kaaton se kheench ke ye anchal Tod ke bandhan bandhi payal 

Koi na roko dil ki udan ko, Dil woh chala

Aaj phir jeene ki tammana hai, aaj phir marne ka irada hai!

I have managed to free my saree that was tangled in the thorns of bushes and having severed all bondages, put on bell adorned anklets on the feet. I will not allow anyone to restrict the flight of my spirit anymore, for here it goes! Today, once again, I feel the desire to live my life. Today, once again, I also intend to die! 

अपने ही बस में नहीं मैं दिल है कही तो हूँ कही मैं
जाने क्या पा के मेरी जिन्दगी ने हँस कर कहा
आहा हा हा हा
आज फिर जीने की तमन्ना है
आज फिर मरने का इरादा है

I am no longer in a position to control myself! My mind is all over the place and I am somewhere else. I can’t say what it was that my life suddenly found and burst out into a laughter, making me want to both live and die again! 

मैं हूँ गुबार या तूफां हूँ कोई बताये मैं कहाँ हूँ

डर है सफ़र में कही खो न जाऊँ मैं रस्ता नया

आज फिर जीने की तमन्ना है
आज फिर मरने का इरादा है

I wonder if I am a balloon or a storm? Someone please tell me where I am. I am afraid I may lose my way because this road is new to me. For a second time I want to live and also wish to die. 

कल के अंघेरों से निकल के देखा है आँखे मलते मलते

फूल ही फूल जिन्दगी बहार है तय कर लिया
आ आ आ आ आ
आज फिर जीने की तमन्ना है

आज फिर मरने का इरादा है 

Escaping the darkness of yesterday when I rubbed my eyes open, I promised myself that I would see life as spring with abundance of flowers and only flowers ahead.

I yearn to live again. And also die again.

When she says she wants to live again and die again, it is not in the literal sense. To live again is to live freely. Without bondage. To die refers to leaving the old self behind and starting over fresh. It also refers to living carefree. Without worrying about death or anything. Just experience what it means to be totally free and alive in every sense of the word. 

I truly wish every single being who is born can experience this in their life. There is really nothing more precious than freedom.