The Changing Definitions of Love

 Came across this ghazal by Mr Jagjit Singh. I was introduced to ghazals in general and to Jagjit Singh and Chitra Singh’s ghazals by my dear father at a very early age. One of the earliest ghazals of the duo that I remember is 

“ Duniya Jise kehte hain,

Jadoo ka khilona hain

Mil jaaye toh mitti hain

Kho jaaye to sona hain”

( What is referred to as the world, is a magical toy. When you acquire it, you realize it is nothing but worthless soil. When you lose it, the same thing turns into precious gold.)

 The particular ghazal I’m going to write today is not very familiar to me, though I have heard it once before. I found it interesting to look at it from a Vedanta perspective. 

An average mind knows the world of matter to be the only reality. This mind is deeply conditioned by the experiences arising from interaction with this world. There are joys and sorrows. Curiously, sorrows leave lingering thoughts, yearning, a desire to make things right if given a second chance. Happy memories too create desires to relive those moments but there is a tinge of sorrow around them knowing that those days are a thing of the past. Either way, those impressions tend to drag you into the past. Often these memories become the fuel for transmigration from one birth to another. 

In contrast, Vedanta negates the reality of matter and brings the experience of bliss in the self which is of the nature of pure awareness. Awareness in its own form stands free from time and space and therefore also is devoid of memory. Only the present moment exists in this awareness. Memory can only be created in the domain of duality.

The concept of Love from Vedanta perspective is vastly different from that of the world of matter. In Vedanta there is no “ other” to love. The self is itself of the nature of love. Love and bliss are synonymous with awareness. There is no room for mind, thoughts and emotions outside of awareness. 

In contrast, in the world of matter, there is duality, oneself and another. Love is projected from one mind onto another person or object. It creates desire for that person or object. Statistically one can postulate that there is a fifty percent chance of obtaining the object of one’s love and an equal chance for not obtaining it ever. The feeling of joy or disappointment hangs over these chances. Even if you obtain the object of your love, it is not permanent. The world of duality is characterized by finite time and space. If nothing else, death is certain to interrupt the experience. Therefore pain is inevitable sooner or later. And then the natural tendency is to try and heal the wounded mind. 

This ghazal beautifully describes the ordeal of being in love. It captures the pain, the patience that’s called for, the complexity of relationships and the long healing process.

प्यार का पहला ख़त लिखने में वक़्त तो लगता है

प्यार का पहला ख़त लिखने में वक़्त तो लगता है

It takes time to write the first letter to your beloved.

नए परिंदों को उड़ने में वक़्त तो लगता है

Young birds take time before they learn to fly. 

प्यार का पहला ख़त लिखने में वक़्त तो लगता है

It takes time to write the first letter to your beloved.

जिस्म की बात नहीं थी, उनके दिल तक जाना था

It wasn’t about the physical body. I hoped to reach my beloved’s heart.

लंबी दूरी तय करने में वक़्त तो लगता है

When the distance is great, it does take time to get there.

प्यार का पहेला ख़त लिखने में वक़्त तो लगता है

It takes time to write the first letter to your beloved.

गाँठ अगर लग जाए तो फिर रिश्ते हो या डोरी

When it gets knotted, whether it’s a relationship or a rope,

लाख करें कोशिश खुलने में वक़्त तो लगता है

no matter how hard you try, it takes time to undo the knots.

प्यार का पहेला ख़त लिखने में वक़्त तो लगता है

It takes time to write the first letter to your beloved.

हमने इलाज-ए-ज़ख़्म-ए-दिल तो ढूँढ लिया लेकिन

 I managed to find the remedy to the ailing heart. And yet, 

गहरे ज़ख़्मों को भरने में वक़्त तो लगता है

the reality is that, despite the best medicine, deep wounds take time to heal.

प्यार का पहेला ख़त लिखने में वक़्त तो लगता है

It takes time to write the first letter to your beloved.

नए परिंदों को उड़ने में वक़्त तो लगता है

Young birds take time before they learn to fly. 

प्यार का पहेला ख़त लिखने में वक़्त तो लगता है

It takes time to write the first letter to your beloved.

Here is the classic scenario behind a love story. You meet the person. At some point you realize you are in love. It isn’t easy to vocalize your feelings at once. Mind deliberates over the chances of being accepted or rejected before mustering the courage to confess the love. 

When it is your first time falling in love, you are essentially in uncharted territory. It takes time to figure out how to handle the relationship, how to nurture it and make it work. 

Where feeling runs deeper, the physical attraction is only secondary. One seeks an emotional connection more than anything else. And that’s the tricky part. You may be physically in close proximity, yet emotionally removed from each other. It ain’t easy to bridge the gap overnight. If you’re keen to make it work, you need a lot of patience and hope. 

Emotional distance is one thing. Misunderstandings and grievances take it to another level. When things begin to complicate, it becomes even more challenging to iron out the differences.

Years of enduring a complicated relationship creates emotional pain and suffering. It takes much effort to rise above that suffering. And even when you learn to find meaning and joy despite a difficult relationship, the wounds do not heal overnight. They may take years to truly heal. You may be a survivor of a bad relationship. But surviving is not synonymous with healing. Healing is a much long drawn process. 

One possible outcome of a bad relationship is that the person may move on, seek another person. 

Another outcome is that they may choose to stay in the same relationship and adapt to it in whatever way they can. 

A third possibility is that one may experience such extreme disillusionment and unbearable pain that the mind withdraws completely. It no longer believes in lasting human relationships and turns inwards towards spiritual life. 

Spiritual journey is by no means an easy one, nor guarantees quick results in terms of overcoming pain and conferring healing. However for one who prepares to pursue it till the end is most certainly rewarded after the period of trials and tribulations is endured. From being a prisoner of the mind, one swims to the surface of the ocean and rises above the world of thoughts and matter. 

Until an alternative existence becomes visible as a viable reality, the soul is essentially passing through a dark night. And that can be extremely painful and riddled with uncertainty. On one hand is disillusionment with the material world, on the other lies the vagueness of the spiritual realm. You find yourself neither here nor there. That’s when holding on to the words of the saints proves like a life jacket. Once the shores of the spiritual land become visible, you realize you did not do the exercise in vain. 

Here’s when you realize that the definition of love in this realm is quite different from what you knew earlier. It’s almost like immigrating to a foreign country. Takes some time to adapt to the new culture. Takes time to fold the old thinking and put it aside with a deeper understanding. The paradigm change takes time. And a lot of patience. Mind rebels at times and feels “ home sick”, tugs at the heart to go back in time, searching for familiar alleys. गाव मागचा मागे पडला You need to counsel the mind that those alleys are now only in memory. They no longer exist in real time. मिटले दरवाजे! 

It must learn to find a good mantle to place the memories. And detach from them, slowly and surely. 

Everything that falls within the domain of thought needs to be kept at an arm’s length. 

नए परिंदों को उड़ने में वक़्त तो लगता है

Young birds take time before they learn to fly.  

This is a particularly loaded truth before the eventual decisive take off from the grounds of thought.

Mind itself becomes vacant thereafter. A non entity. उन्मन! 

All there remains is pure awareness. Like the deep blue sky. 

Anyone who comes looking for you either can’t find a trace of you and would return empty handed, or if they refuse to turn around, they would themselves turn into pure awareness.

 It is not everyone’s cup of tea to migrate from the land of matter to the open space of awareness. It becomes a conscious choice to make. Whether to exist as empty awareness or again wander into the world of thoughts. One world is real. The other imagined. You have seen both. So the choice is not difficult if you remain awake. 

The tribulations expressed in the ghazal apply only to one rooted in the world of duality, world that acknowledges physical reality. A man of self realization transcends all worldly joys, fears, pain and suffering and is no longer tossed between uncertainty or upheaval, or between gain and loss. He can understand and empathize with those who remain in the physical domain. But for himself there are no more waves to rock the boat.